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Problem with a colleague?

Whether you're at odds with your boss, a colleague, or a subordinate, ask yourself these three questions before you open up your mouth:

•    Does this absolutely need to be said?
•    Is this the right time to raise this issue?
•    Am I the right person to bring this up?

If you answer yes to all of the above – a rare occurrence – then it’s time to put on your boxing gloves…

1. Disagree in private. Public criticism does not change anyone's behaviour – if anything, the other person is more likely to become defensive if you approach the matter in front of others.

Avoid public disputes, by saying: "I'd like to think about that and speak with you later. This really is not the best place for a discussion."

2. Watch your tone. Say, "It's raining outside" to yourself. That same tone of voice, with no emotion or judgment in it, is how to speak the lines above. Otherwise, you come off like a bully or whiner.

3. Use the first person. For example, "I might not have been clear" works better than "You don't get it."

Whenever we think we are being judged, our automatic human reaction is to become defensive, and that's where communication stops.

4. No back-handed slaps. For example: "Your hair looks great today. Did you wash it?" Ouch. Sarcasm is a lead indicator of conflict. The word "sarcasm" has its root in a Greek word meaning "to rip and tear the flesh." What is constructive or fair about that?

5. Stick to the topic – and do not veer into personal territory.

6. Don't interrupt. Interruptions actually lengthen conversations because initially, the speaker thinks, "they did not hear me," and then, "they don't understand," and so repeats and paraphrases, or worse, loses his train of thought.

It's a bit like shoving someone back down the hill they've just climbed.

7. Restate what you've heard. "If I've understood you correctly, you feel... and I felt it was... is that accurate?" This way, you can be sure that you're really listening and engaging with the speaker.

8. Ask questions that clarify, not judge.

Instead of "why," ask who, what, when, where, and how.

9. Stay in today, not yesterday.

By bringing up prior incidents, all you are doing is pointing fingers and adding more fuel to the fire.

10. Be willing to change your own mind. This is probably the hardest part of fighting fairly – who doesn't want to be right? If you are open-minded, however, the disagreement could be part of a learning process rather than a stalemate.

Remember… we are only as successful as our weakest relationship, particularly when it comes to workplace dynamics. At some point, all relationships are tested through some sort of disagreement. Make sure yours are strengthened – not weakened – by differing opinions.

What's the biggest blow-out that you've had at work? Do you think you could have handled it differently?

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