Publications
Partners
Last week Sam asked the following:
What do you consider unforgivable in a partner? What have you forgiven, and was doing so a good or bad idea? Have your own ideas of what is unforgivable' shifted at all, due to age, circumstance or experience?
What I've forgiven
Oh.
I get where you are coming from! Next year we will hit our 10 year anniversary. We have a bond, a beautiful daughter, 3 dogs and one bird that does nothing but sit there, make a mess and shit!
When we got together at first - all of 14 years ago this December, I swore I'd cut off everything that hangs if I find him with another woman. And she'd not survive it either!
But after all these years, I've realised cars, bikes, big speakers and tools are more important to him than me. Just our daughter might make it onto the list of important things once she gets past this terrible-two's age. But me? I'm just a convenience for him.
I've forgiven broken promises. I've forgiven being talked to in a tone that I swore I'd never put up with. I've forgiven spending our hard-earned money on crap we didn't need. And I've forgiven putting me last on the list of all the people that need his attention.
And now I feel: lady, if you seriously want to put up with all the bull that comes with this man - take him! And then like last night, he brings me 3 bunches of beautiful roses, bought from a street vendor yes! But still beautiful. And I think: stuff you all - he's MINE!
M
I could forgive infidelity, but never abuse
I have to agree with you, what was unforgivable back in the day changes when your perspective matures.
As a teenager, matters of the heart were always black and white with no grey, and compromise on infidelity was unthinkable! Alas, as we bound towards wrinkles and grey hair, we become painfully aware that life is full of compromise and realistically speaking there isn't much that could be considered unforgivable.
The creature comforts of home and the responsibilities of family make tossing the infidels to the dogs very difficult and hugely impractical. We do have to survive.
That's infidelity….
Now on the other hand, there is ABUSE! I could NEVER EVER tolerate or forgive abuse! Ever. There are NO circumstances that can make it acceptable, be it between adults or worse, adults and children. It's a shocking abuse of human rights and the saddest fact is that emotional and mental abuse can happen so quietly and subtlety that by the time you realise it's happening, the damage is done.
That doesn't mean it's too late though!!! If it happens once, it will happen again, and once that level of respect for another human being has been dropped, you can be guaranteed it will NEVER rise again. It's a downward spiral that is never ending and the age old excuses of - “he / she didn't mean it”; he / she is sorry, it won't happen again”, “I asked for it” etc are well worn and self destructive.
Yes we all lose our tempers and say things we shouldn't, and maybe in a fit of anger we throw something, but sadly once the control has been relinquished, it is so very difficult to regain it, and maintain it. When the situation rises again, the propensity to revert to that same anger is there and faster to the fore.
Best solution: Walk away. Don't forgive. Don't forget. Simply move on and start over, rather than staying and dying.
R
The changing face of the unforgivable
I'm with you there. Only for me it is no longer a hypothetical situation. My husband and I went through a rough patch last year and he moved out for a short while. Infidelity in a committed relationship has always theoretically been a deal breaker for me.
I've left guys for merely flirting with another woman while we were dating. However when I found out that my husband had been unfaithful during our separation I reacted completely differently. I never thought I'd want to share a bed with him again if he ever strayed and yet in spite of my righful fury at his indiscretion, I did not leave him.
I found that I could forgive him when he begged me to. I was so shocked that I could find that in myself I nearly let things fall apart completely.
I had had visions of the grand and righteous indignation I would show if it ever happened to me, so imagine my surprise when the word that actually came out of my mouth was a surprised 'OH'. Of course I could've kicked myself later for that pathetic 'oh' but there you have it.
As he begged for my forgiveness the things going through my mind were the 17 years we'd been together. How he tucks the blanket around me at night when the only thing I can do is fall into bed. He is my husband and the man who took me from a girl to a woman and every stage in between. Of course I screamed and yelled and beat my breast and his head but through all of that I never once thought of leaving him.
I absolutely believe that the unforgivable changes its face as you grow older. Right now my goalposts stand at ' If he EVER does that again!!' but I've learned that where enough love and genuine contrition is present, anything is possible.
W
There's a limit to forgiveness
Although I'm a 5 times Comrades runner, an ex Navy Swan and a manager at work, I'm a real softie at heart and I'm big on forgiveness, but that's not always a good thing....
Seven years ago I found a hotel bill in my husband's pocket and found out that he had started up an affair with a married woman at work the week after my first child was born.
I was devastated, enraged, distraught and ready to kill, but I took him back and we went for two years of counselling and I bust a gut to give the relationship priority, to organise romantic getaways, dinners, etc.
Then two years ago, I found an sms on his phone from her and discovered that they had never stopped the affair and that it had continued through two miscarriages and another pregnancy and the birth of my second son. Well - this time I really was ready for murder - of both of them!
Sometimes we don't even know where the line is, but when it's crossed, boy oh boy, does it become apparent that this is one step too far! And the strange thing, is that he didn't even think this was such an unforgivable crime to have committed - he even wanted to pin this (and the fact that he had been sleeping around with prostitutes!) on me.
What is it about the male ego that it is so hard to admit that they have messed up and made a big mistake and their need to blame it on others??
As a woman we tend to blame ourselves when things go wrong, to indulge in serious self-introspection, to see where we went wrong, what we could have done differently, etc, etc. So the men blame and "beat up" others and we blame and beat up ourselves - the injustice of it!
How many times in the last few months, as I've sat in the courts and legal chambers, have I not asked myself why I chose this man, how and why I forgave him the first time, why I didn't trust my gut instinct when it told me he was not being honest (and he blamed me for being paranoid and destroying the marriage with my lack of trust). Well, the reality is that I can't regret my two beautiful, amazing, creative and fun boys - the product of this marriage - who add such an awesome dimension to my life.
K
Would you forgive and forget if your partner had to cheat, or have you ever been in such a situation before? Share your story...
What do you consider unforgivable in a partner? What have you forgiven, and was doing so a good or bad idea? Have your own ideas of what is unforgivable' shifted at all, due to age, circumstance or experience?
What I've forgiven
Oh.
I get where you are coming from! Next year we will hit our 10 year anniversary. We have a bond, a beautiful daughter, 3 dogs and one bird that does nothing but sit there, make a mess and shit!
When we got together at first - all of 14 years ago this December, I swore I'd cut off everything that hangs if I find him with another woman. And she'd not survive it either!
But after all these years, I've realised cars, bikes, big speakers and tools are more important to him than me. Just our daughter might make it onto the list of important things once she gets past this terrible-two's age. But me? I'm just a convenience for him.
I've forgiven broken promises. I've forgiven being talked to in a tone that I swore I'd never put up with. I've forgiven spending our hard-earned money on crap we didn't need. And I've forgiven putting me last on the list of all the people that need his attention.
And now I feel: lady, if you seriously want to put up with all the bull that comes with this man - take him! And then like last night, he brings me 3 bunches of beautiful roses, bought from a street vendor yes! But still beautiful. And I think: stuff you all - he's MINE!
M
I could forgive infidelity, but never abuse
I have to agree with you, what was unforgivable back in the day changes when your perspective matures.
As a teenager, matters of the heart were always black and white with no grey, and compromise on infidelity was unthinkable! Alas, as we bound towards wrinkles and grey hair, we become painfully aware that life is full of compromise and realistically speaking there isn't much that could be considered unforgivable.
The creature comforts of home and the responsibilities of family make tossing the infidels to the dogs very difficult and hugely impractical. We do have to survive.
That's infidelity….
Now on the other hand, there is ABUSE! I could NEVER EVER tolerate or forgive abuse! Ever. There are NO circumstances that can make it acceptable, be it between adults or worse, adults and children. It's a shocking abuse of human rights and the saddest fact is that emotional and mental abuse can happen so quietly and subtlety that by the time you realise it's happening, the damage is done.
That doesn't mean it's too late though!!! If it happens once, it will happen again, and once that level of respect for another human being has been dropped, you can be guaranteed it will NEVER rise again. It's a downward spiral that is never ending and the age old excuses of - “he / she didn't mean it”; he / she is sorry, it won't happen again”, “I asked for it” etc are well worn and self destructive.
Yes we all lose our tempers and say things we shouldn't, and maybe in a fit of anger we throw something, but sadly once the control has been relinquished, it is so very difficult to regain it, and maintain it. When the situation rises again, the propensity to revert to that same anger is there and faster to the fore.
Best solution: Walk away. Don't forgive. Don't forget. Simply move on and start over, rather than staying and dying.
R
The changing face of the unforgivable
I'm with you there. Only for me it is no longer a hypothetical situation. My husband and I went through a rough patch last year and he moved out for a short while. Infidelity in a committed relationship has always theoretically been a deal breaker for me.
I've left guys for merely flirting with another woman while we were dating. However when I found out that my husband had been unfaithful during our separation I reacted completely differently. I never thought I'd want to share a bed with him again if he ever strayed and yet in spite of my righful fury at his indiscretion, I did not leave him.
I found that I could forgive him when he begged me to. I was so shocked that I could find that in myself I nearly let things fall apart completely.
I had had visions of the grand and righteous indignation I would show if it ever happened to me, so imagine my surprise when the word that actually came out of my mouth was a surprised 'OH'. Of course I could've kicked myself later for that pathetic 'oh' but there you have it.
As he begged for my forgiveness the things going through my mind were the 17 years we'd been together. How he tucks the blanket around me at night when the only thing I can do is fall into bed. He is my husband and the man who took me from a girl to a woman and every stage in between. Of course I screamed and yelled and beat my breast and his head but through all of that I never once thought of leaving him.
I absolutely believe that the unforgivable changes its face as you grow older. Right now my goalposts stand at ' If he EVER does that again!!' but I've learned that where enough love and genuine contrition is present, anything is possible.
W
There's a limit to forgiveness
Although I'm a 5 times Comrades runner, an ex Navy Swan and a manager at work, I'm a real softie at heart and I'm big on forgiveness, but that's not always a good thing....
Seven years ago I found a hotel bill in my husband's pocket and found out that he had started up an affair with a married woman at work the week after my first child was born.
I was devastated, enraged, distraught and ready to kill, but I took him back and we went for two years of counselling and I bust a gut to give the relationship priority, to organise romantic getaways, dinners, etc.
Then two years ago, I found an sms on his phone from her and discovered that they had never stopped the affair and that it had continued through two miscarriages and another pregnancy and the birth of my second son. Well - this time I really was ready for murder - of both of them!
Sometimes we don't even know where the line is, but when it's crossed, boy oh boy, does it become apparent that this is one step too far! And the strange thing, is that he didn't even think this was such an unforgivable crime to have committed - he even wanted to pin this (and the fact that he had been sleeping around with prostitutes!) on me.
What is it about the male ego that it is so hard to admit that they have messed up and made a big mistake and their need to blame it on others??
As a woman we tend to blame ourselves when things go wrong, to indulge in serious self-introspection, to see where we went wrong, what we could have done differently, etc, etc. So the men blame and "beat up" others and we blame and beat up ourselves - the injustice of it!
How many times in the last few months, as I've sat in the courts and legal chambers, have I not asked myself why I chose this man, how and why I forgave him the first time, why I didn't trust my gut instinct when it told me he was not being honest (and he blamed me for being paranoid and destroying the marriage with my lack of trust). Well, the reality is that I can't regret my two beautiful, amazing, creative and fun boys - the product of this marriage - who add such an awesome dimension to my life.
K
Would you forgive and forget if your partner had to cheat, or have you ever been in such a situation before? Share your story...
