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I'm 36 and I don't have a driver's licence

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The past few months I have been seeing a therapist who has been pushing me to resolve situations in my life that cause me stress. 

One of these was the fact that I am 36 years old and have never had a driver’s license.  You read it right! No joking! 

I grew up pretty poor and there was never money so I drove illegally and just prayed really hard each time I got behind the wheel that I would not be pulled off or be in an accident. 

I have never really had a very well-paying job and there always seems to be more month than salary, you get my drift?

In 2010, I was able for the first time in my life to buy a second-hand car with a personal loan.  But every time I got into the car, there was a little voice in my head telling me why I shouldn’t be driving.

Eventually, I plucked up the courage and went and wrote the learner’s test and then... I stagnated again.

About a month or so ago, I realised that my learner’s was going to expire and with the help of the therapist, I drew up a plan to get hold of the money I needed for the K53 lessons and finally I went for the driver’s test yesterday afternoon.

Since I could remember I have struggled to believe in myself.  It has always been easier to expect the worst than to believe that I could actually achieve anything.  It is something I still struggle with.

My childhood was a bombardment of negativity that enforced the idea that I was a loser and failing was the only thing I would ever be good at. 

However irrational it may seem, getting my license always seemed unattainable.  I was so scared of failing and feeling stupid. 

I didn’t want it to be just another thing I had failed at.  So I procrastinated and avoided it for years.

 
And in doing so, I caused myself so much stress that could’ve been avoided because I had an irrational fear. 

I am very hard on myself.  If I can’t do something perfectly, I don’t want to do it at all.  But at the same time I am damn lazy and want to do things the easy way. 

I am sure you can see that this combination could cause some stress in certain situations. 

So yesterday I popped my Ritalin, and headed over to the testing grounds in a state of nerves.  And I surprised myself.

( I also have to give credit though, to the man who tested me, for going out of his way to put me at my ease.)  I made mistakes but I passed and I now have a valid license.  I can’t believe that I left it for so long because of an irrational fear of failing and rejection. 

I still have a long way to go regarding my issues, but I feel like I have taken a step forward.. A step in the right direction.  One day, I will not fear anymore ...

Read more posts from Tanya-Lee on her
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