The past few months I have been seeing a therapist who has been pushing me to resolve situations in my life that cause me stress.
One of these was the fact that I am 36 years old and have never had a driver’s license. You read it right! No joking!
I grew up pretty poor and there was never money so I drove illegally and just prayed really hard each time I got behind the wheel that I would not be pulled off or be in an accident.
I have never really had a very well-paying job and there always seems to be more month than salary, you get my drift?
In 2010, I was able for the first time in my life to buy a second-hand car with a personal loan. But every time I got into the car, there was a little voice in my head telling me why I shouldn’t be driving.
Eventually, I plucked up the courage and went and wrote the learner’s test and then... I stagnated again.
About a month or so ago, I realised that my learner’s was going to expire and with the help of the therapist, I drew up a plan to get hold of the money I needed for the K53 lessons and finally I went for the driver’s test yesterday afternoon.
Since I could remember I have struggled to believe in myself. It has always been easier to expect the worst than to believe that I could actually achieve anything. It is something I still struggle with.
My childhood was a bombardment of negativity that enforced the idea that I was a loser and failing was the only thing I would ever be good at.
However irrational it may seem, getting my license always seemed unattainable. I was so scared of failing and feeling stupid.
I didn’t want it to be just another thing I had failed at. So I procrastinated and avoided it for years.
And in doing so, I caused myself so much stress that could’ve been avoided because I had an irrational fear.
I am very hard on myself. If I can’t do something perfectly, I don’t want to do it at all. But at the same time I am damn lazy and want to do things the easy way.
I am sure you can see that this combination could cause some stress in certain situations.
So yesterday I popped my Ritalin, and headed over to the testing grounds in a state of nerves. And I surprised myself.
( I also have to give credit though, to the man who tested me, for going out of his way to put me at my ease.) I made mistakes but I passed and I now have a valid license. I can’t believe that I left it for so long because of an irrational fear of failing and rejection.
I still have a long way to go regarding my issues, but I feel like I have taken a step forward.. A step in the right direction. One day, I will not fear anymore ...
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