Pleasure marriages

Also known as a summer holiday marriage, a secret marriage, a temporary marriage, a marriage in passing, a tourist marriage and by various Arabic and Persian names, such as misyar and muta'a, (which mean enjoyment or ecstasy), this brief, legal union between man and woman is said to be older than Islam itself.

Where it all started, and where it is today

Shiites and Sunnis both permit men to take more than one permanent wife, but the rival branches of Islam are, or have been, deeply split over pleasure marriages ever since the Prophet's death. Nikah Misyar is a Sunni practice, legalised in Saudi Arabia and Egypt while the Shia of Iraq, Iran, Bahrain and Yemen use the Nikah Mut'ah form (see the links mentioned at the bottom of this article for more info).

The main difference between mut'ah and misyar is mut'ah has a fixed date when the marriage ends, whereas misyar doesn't necessarily. The intention that they divorce would be there, but the time of divorce may not be revealed to the wife prior to the wedding. It may be decided at any point after the wedding by the husband, with or without the wife's knowledge or agreement.

Scholars say the prophet Mohammed sanctioned these marriages for his companions during their wars and campaigns to spread Islam in present-day Saudi Arabia. It was also deemed a practical solution for travellers who came to strange towns and needed a woman to look after them and their belongings while they were there. Other historians argue that the practice existed in pre-Islamic societies and was initially permitted by the Prophet Mohammed, but that he forbade it at a later stage.

Before his fall from grace, Saddam Hussein, who is a Sunni, outlawed it in the predominantly Shiite Iraq. But since he's been done away with, the renaissance of the pleasure marriage coincides with a revival of other Shiite traditions long suppressed by the former regime. Shiite clerics, including Iraq's Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, the highest religious authority in Shiite Islam, considers it to be in accordance with Islamic law. It's also common practice in the Shiite theocratic state of Iran.

Sheikh Ahmed Abdulqader, an Islamic consultant and a legal marriage officer here in Saudi Arabia, gave it the nod in an article for Dubai-based Al Arabiya, saying that "Summer holiday marriage is important so that men do not fall in prostitution during their travel abroad, specially that some woman are lately not ready to devote enough time for their husbands due to their life occupation."

Reports in Saudi papers show that seven out of 10 marriages here are misyar marriages; the women mostly divorced or widowed, or over 30, and the men married. Some Arab dating sites cater specifically for misyar liaisons, such as www.alzawaj.com where a 42-year-old Saudi man with six children placed an application to marry a conservative woman in the "misyar" way. On www.zojah.com, a girl called "the girl of Jeddah" wrote, "I'm 18, from Jeddah and I want a romantic man for 'misyar' marriage."

Another way it's being facilitated here in Saudi is through a clandestine marriage brokerage. Callers who dial any of five telephone numbers listed on a fax from such an office, get through to a taped message where a woman with an alluring voice tells them to punch in a secret code to learn more. "My dear brother," says the fax. "May God help you find a wife (in passing) to compensate you for your troubled life. Know that the broker charges these prices. Five thousand Riyals for a virgin. Three thousand Riyals for a non-virgin."

This is just the kind of offer that arouses intrigue in men, but unleashes fury among many women who say young Saudi males use the paperwork as a "license" to commit adultery or have sex outside of marriage (without bringing down the wrath of the religious establishment upon their heads). In fact, the service triggered a war of words in the newspapers as tales of marriage brokers luring thousands of Saudis spread in the Kingdom. "This is just like having a legalised mistress," said one female columnist who has lambasted al-misyar pacts as an insult to the institution of marriage. "This is terrible. They are deceiving women. It's like a man buying cows and sheep or watermelons," she said.

Soon after she published her opinions, the columnist was bombarded with hate-mail and insulting faxes. "You cannot believe what I went through. They sent me faxes saying 'you are an old woman' and 'we heard you had plastic surgery and you don't read the Quran'." Some men are against it too, such as this Saudi Blogger who calls it nothing but legalised prostitution.

How a pleasure marriage works

In essence, a pleasure marriage is a legal union between a man (married or not) and a single woman, for periods as brief as a few minutes or as long as a lifetime. In most cases, the marriage is a simple agreement between the two, stating for how long it will be and what would be expected during the time, i.e., travel, a house, how often the man will visit the woman, and how much the dowry, also called mahr or "bride price", will be. This can range from virtually nothing to hundreds of thousands of Riyals, Dinars – whatever the currency in the country where it happens.

A woman agreeing to a pleasure marriage that involves a one-time encounter might be able to count on about SAR 370 (about R600). For an al-misyar that runs longer, she might be paid SAR 1 000 a month, though the amounts vary widely and can depend on whether she has children. Sometimes the marriage is conducted in an official capacity in the presence of a state official or Imam, sometimes two witnesses to the agreement are required, and in other cases an oral agreement between the two parties will do just fine.

The husband may void the temporary marriage earlier than agreed. If he does and they have had sexual intercourse, he must give her the full bride price. If they have not had intercourse, he can give her half that amount, though the recommended precaution is that he should give her the full amount.

If a man already has the allowed maximum of four wives, he can still take a temporary bride as she doesn't count as a permanent wife, but he cannot have more than four temporary wives at the same time. The wife would be allowed to leave the house without her husband's permission, and he is responsible for any children resulting from the encounter. Some Muslim sects believe it is allowed for a man to marry a non-Muslim, as long as she is a Christian or Jew, i.e., of the "People of the Book". If the woman is still a virgin, she needs her guardian's permission to enter al-misyar.

Ultimately, the man benefits from fewer financial commitments, is not obliged to live with his wife and he sets the conditions for marriage. He can pass by at any time, in the morning, afternoon or evening. And he does not have to stay over.

Married women can't enter a misyar marriage, but a married man can. Men can void the contract at any time; women don't have that option unless it's negotiated at the outset. The couple agrees not to have children. A woman who unintentionally gets pregnant can have an abortion but must then pay a fine to a cleric.

The problems al-misyar creates

Women's rights activists are concerned. Salama Al-Khafaji, a Shiite lawmaker who supports the concept of Sharia law but advocates for women's rights, calls the re-emergence of al-misyar an "unhealthy phenomenon" and that too many men are using temporary marriages to exploit women for sex. With the right intentions, she says, al-misyar can serve the noble purpose of helping divorced and widowed women financially.

Al-Mousawi, a Shiite cleric, says the practice of pleasure marriages is open to abuse and misinterpretation. He says he is particularly troubled by kiss-and-tell men. "After they've finished with the woman, they've told their friends about her beauty and given a description of her body, which is something absolutely unacceptable in Islam."

In addition, a woman who has had an al-misyar marriage is considered "used property", and may never find a permanent husband. I've read that some men actually despise the women once they're done with her, and that a woman who became pregnant during an al-misyar marriage was killed by her brother for bringing dishonour to the family. An Arab News survey on misyar marriages showed that over 60% of men would consider a misyar marriage for themselves, but not for their sisters, sons or daughters.

Another way this legal union is being abused in the Gulf is when rich Saudis or Kuwaitis pop over to poorer countries such as Yemen, Syria or Egypt to indulge in a summer of fun. A study of the practice by Fuad al-Shibami, a lecturer at Ibb university in Yemen, showed that 65 percent of the victims of such marriages were under 24 years of age. "There is a common denominator between those summer husbands – they like marrying very young girls to satisfy their sexual lust and desire," the study said. "Their prime goal in marrying such youngsters is sexual, with no consideration for social, religious or human aspects of the unions."

The wealthy Arabs meet middlemen (sometimes arranged online) who arrange a marriage for them in another country. The middleman brings some girls and they pick the one they like most. The couples spend their honeymoon in hotels and then the grooms return to their own countries saying they will make arrangements and send for their brides soon. They explain they need to arrange visas and make promises of a better life when they are reunited with their new young wives. Most of the girls never hear from the men again, or they're left at the border and the guards have to call their fathers to come and fetch them.

This happened to one 18-year-old Yemeni girl, Amal Mohammed, who is suffering from psychological problems and a constant headache following an unsuccessful marriage to an elderly Saudi man. She told The Tharwa Project "A Saudi man came to my father and asked to marry me. I was 16-years-old then. My father agreed without questioning. Three days later we got married. We spent some good time in the hotel. He left after one month. I later found out he was already married in his home country, some days later I got notification of divorce by mail."

So why do they do it?

One Shiite cleric, Adel Amir Tureihi, says the practice was designed to provide Muslims with a lawful outlet for natural sexual desires. "People need sex just like they need food," he said. "Islam is a natural, organic religion." Of course, also to prevent adultery (Islamic law imposes anything from flogging to the death sentence on adulterers, but the crime is hard to prove as witnesses are needed), and legalising sex between single couples. It does have a certain appeal for divorcees, spinsters and widows who find an ordinary marriage hard to come by or simply don't want a full-fledged commitment.

Advocates say the pact offers a practical solution for a man who grows attracted to a woman but wants satisfaction within the confines of Islamic law. "In the West, if a man gets attached to a woman he can have a girlfriend. But this is forbidden in our traditional society. This type of marriage solves the problem," says Abdullah Abu al-Samh, a writer for a Saudi newspaper. The idea would also be for the couple to get to know each other before they decide to marry permanently.

Some Saudi suitors demand that the woman for a pleasure marriage should be from a rich, powerful and known family, with white skin, a pretty face, she must be sexy and agree to travel with him anywhere in the world, specially during summer. She should also have a good command of English. The dowry for these legit liaisons would be no less than 150 thousand Saudi Riyals plus a car and a top class villa (*1 Saudi Riyal = R1.6).

But it's not only businessmen who are looking for wives. Saudi businesswomen are also looking out for husbands to accompany them on travels abroad. However, on condition that the husband allows her to travel freely and doesn't stop her from going anywhere once they are outside Saudi Arabia. In return he can live with her or she'll buy him a car, etc. This situation solves the problem for a conservative Saudi woman travelling abroad on business, or to study, and who doesn't have another legal guardian to accompany her.

As the days of easy oil money in Saudi Arabia have waned and supporting more than one family has become prohibitively expensive, al-misyar pacts have become more popular. As I explained in The Saudi Dating Game, some families cannot afford the huge dowries young brides and their families often demand, so this is a way to have a taste of married life, without the baggage and costs, bringing, as one al-misyar veteran says, "responsibility and formality to what would otherwise be squalid and sinful".

If a couple is ready for marriage, but the woman is wealthier than the man, the family may not consent to formal marriage. In that case, al-misyar can be entered into, and renewed year after year. Many couples also enter this temporary marriage to get to know each other better before they decide to permanently tie the knot.

The marriage is also attractive to some women with a ticking biological clock, for instance, who are unable to land conventional marriages. One cleric says some women do it because it's the only way they can have a baby.

Curiously, it is also a way to ease the never-ending covering up in households where people who could legally marry each other live under the same roof. They would then, symbolically only, marry the other person's offspring, making them family, and doing away with the need for hijab (headscarf) and abaya.

Al-misyar may be used exclusively for sex, though some clerics warn against it as its dishonours the women. This type of scenario does not seem to scare one temporary wife, who goes by the name Mona. After escaping an arranged marriage with her first husband, and failing at another relationship, she settled for al-misyar with a married man who has three children. "He said the condition for our marriage was that his wife would not know," said Mona. "I am happier now. We travel together and he visits twice a week. But I would like to see more of him."

Sure enough, secret pleasure marriages are not at all uncommon, as not all women would be happy with their husbands entertaining other women, whether it's legal or not. And many men and women trapped in an unhappy marriage, but without the option of divorce because of children and/or family pressure, engage in a secret al-misyar marriage to ease the pain.

I have somewhat generalised pleasure marriages here, as describing the subtle differences between Sunni misyar marriage and Shia mut'ah marriage would complicate what is essentially the same thing. For more detailed information read the Wikipedia articles Nikah Misyar and Nikah Mut'ah And read this article on Islamfortoday.com for more info on the differences between Sunnis and Shiites.

That's it, but there's more to come; I recently attended a Saudi wedding, and what a night it was. I'm still trying to find the words to describe it.

If there's anything in particular you'd like to know about life in Saudi Arabia, or if you'd like to comment on this article, send me an email at lauraofarabia@gmail.com.

South Africans in Saudi, pop in at the South Africans in Saudi Expat forum where you can post questions or answers and connect with others in your area of the Kingdom.

Laura of Arabia

A chameleon does not leave one tree until he is sure of another.
Arabic proverb