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Every one of us has been hurt at some point in our lives. Trusting again is difficult. We don’t want to experience that pain and heartache again so we build a wall around ourselves. This can become the best defence mechanism or it can make you your own worst enemy.
What happens if a really good man or woman shows up at your door - do you pretend you don’t have feelings? Keep those feelings to yourself and sign up for an acting role in I’m just not that into you part 2?
What happens when all these lines, boundaries, walls etc. backfire?
No matter how much we deny it, when we love heartbreak will always be par for the course. Some people overcome it. Others are severely impacted by it and in some cases people swear off love completely.
For both sexes if you are hurt, it deeply affects our ability to love and trust again. It’s understandable that even when the most sincere man or woman is standing at your doorstep you think twice about letting him or her in. You end up pushing them away, finding every escape clause possible to keep them away.
Those emotional walls are not the easiest to break down because it took years to build and they were probably reinforced when someone let you down. This protective barrier designed by you, for you and can only be let down by you.
However, If you are lucky, you will meet someone who has the ability to find their way to your heart, maybe stick around long enough to ease the doubts and help slowly break down those walls. They help chip away at the paint, plaster, cement and expose the bricks, they even help you carry the sledgehammer to knock the wall down.
Wouldn’t it be easier to erect fences rather than a wall? It would be foolish for us not to have barriers, because we all need to feel protected from hurt and pain. As jaded as it seems, there are people with ulterior motives and if given a chance will exploit your trust.
My fence theory, it’s a dual purpose mechanism, you still feel protected yet you are in control of who you allow in, more like a filtration system.
In the last 74 days, I have been rebuilding my protective boundaries, allowing myself to knock walls down, allowing someone else to help me do it. I must say the fence is taking shape, and I am allowing fresh air to enter, I am also realising that the view is actually brilliant. My walls were built a bit too high and obscured my view.
With my newly erected fencing; I decide who enters my space. It keeps out the unwanted visitors and allows those who are invited onto my property. It's the best of both worlds. I am sure those uninvited guests will get past, but I can now see on the other side and am not this fortress any longer.
My years of experience will allow me to strategically screen them and kick them off my property before they can do any real damage.
I have a balance of wall and fencing. Hopefully the renovation will be complete soon.
I am still cautious – especially in today’s society – but I am learning to trust my emotions and the other person more every day. It’s virtually impossible to ‘unlearn’ how we normally respond in situations that hurt us, however with perseverance and chipping away daily at the wall, I am on my way to opening my heart to infinite possibilities.
My snapshot so far. I am building and creating a relationship built on an understanding of mutual respect and care. Opening myself up to let a person in on my background, my thoughts, those niggly issues we all have, concerns, irritations and frustrations with the assurance that I am not judged for it, but understood.
I am placing myself in a vulnerable position yet relying on this person to treat me in a fair, open and honest way. My degree of apprehensiveness is slowly reducing. I am shedding my defensive armour. It’s hard, but again, I am a survivor and I enjoy a challenge. This is getting me out of my comfort zone. It was getting pretty lonely alone in my castle with high walls.
To those who have been there and those who are currently there - experiencing painful endings and saying to yourself, “I will never trust again!”, “I will never allow anyone that close ever again” -
I assure you, endings are painful but they are actually learning experiences.
As we mature it allows us know what we willing to accept or not in relationships. It teaches us what we want or don’t want, how amazing that you can be a source of happiness to someone else, that if you allow a person in, they can change your outlook.
You don’t have to remain broken. All you have to do is break the walls.
You become more honest with yourself. Your willingness to take action and allow yourself to let people in and realise walls don’t really work, they actually lock yourself in.
Once you start your re-designing, you are halfway there.
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