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3 ways to compromise

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The central paradox underlying successful relationship compromise is that, when done properly, it should not feel like compromise at all. Or, at least, it shouldn't feel like what we've come to believe compromise to mean: a kind of grudging giving in for the greater good of the relationship.

1. Don't give in or give up
True compromise doesn't mean giving in or giving up. It means a settlement made by mutual consent, involving concessions on both sides. The key idea here is "mutual consent".

Ttrying to reach a compromise you are both happy with tends to involve a change of focus, which in turn renders the concessions one might have to make seem less important.

2. Managing conflict
Clinical psychologist Monica Spiro says it's the process that matters most. "All healthy relationships involve some conflict; it is how you manage that conflict that is important," she says.

"If meeting your partner's needs negates your own needs... well, clearly that isn't tenable. If you are going to compromise, you need to find a way to do it that you're both comfortable with." Spiro says.

By setting aside the projection of your own needs long enough to see what your partner wants, and why they want it, you can take the discussion to a whole new level. "Of course, this is not always possible," she adds.

3. Unacceptable conflict
"Sometimes one person may be ready to let their defences down while the other might take this opportunity to act like a bulldozer. Often couples need the intervention of a neutral third party to find the space safe enough to go through this process, which is when therapy is a good idea."

According to clinical psychologist Monica Spiro, both of these responses are common. "I often see women in emotionally abusive relationships who have lost their self-esteem to the point that they do not realise what is happening, and turn the situation around in their minds, thinking that they are the ones who need to become more tolerant," she says.

"Instead of saying, 'I don't have to take this,' they take on the behaviour as their problem." There are also scores of politically correct men out there succumbing to unacceptable levels of compromise as the women in their lives demand to set all the terms of the relationship as some sort of antidote to "years of oppression".

And then, of course, there's the category that defies gender boundaries: those who simply find themselves partnered with selfish meanies. But regardless of where you and your relationship might fit in, how can you tell when you are no longer compromising but simply capitulating?

At the bottom of all this is the big question: Does this relationship mean more to you than the things you are compromising on? That might be the question you need to be focusing on.

In what ways do you compromise? Share your pointers below.

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