Publications
Partners
To establish which one of the five love languages you – and your partner – are most receptive to, decide which of these best describes the expression of love to you: Words of Affirmation. Quality Time. Receiving Gifts. Acts of Service. Physical Touch. Some of us instinctively know our own primary love language and that of our partner, but it might not always be that easy to establish. What makes you feel most loved by your partner? What do you desire above all else? If nothing springs to mind immediately, try thinking about the negative use of love language, such as what your partner does (or doesn't do) that hurts you deeply. If, for example, your deepest pain comes from his criticism, your love language is probably Words of Affirmation.
What have you tended to ask of your partner? Whatever it is, is likely to be in keeping with your primary love language. For example, have you often verbalised your desire to spend more time with your partner or perhaps go away together at weekends? Then Quality Time is likely to be your primary love language.
Words of affirmation
Words of Affirmation are more than compliments – they are a way of communicating your thanks and appreciation for the 'little' things that your partner does for you. An affirmation person will be more willing to compromise, for example, if you show your appreciation for who they are and what they bring into your life. If you are the one in need of Words of Affirmation, tell your partner that you don't need affirmation because you don't trust or believe in his love, but because you are in need of reassurance as it makes you feel safe and secure. Compliments and positive input will also work better for you than criticism.
Quality time
If it's Quality Time that does it for you or your partner,
it is important that you both know that it has nothing to do with proximity – watching TV together doesn't cut it. During this time you should give each other your
undivided attention. According to Chapman, by giving your partner 20 minutes of your undivided attention, you are giving each other 20 minutes of life. You will never have that time again; you are essentially giving your lives to each other and this is a powerful communicator of love.
One man Chapman counselled said his wife had left him after 17 years of marriage and he couldn't understand why. She'd come home every evening and without fail would complain about her job. He dealt with this by giving her advice on how to deal with the situation. When she didn't take it, he got angry and told her he was no longer interested in discussing it with her and would leave the room whenever she brought it up. He assumed she wanted help, when all she wanted was for him to make the time to listen to her.
Receiving gifts
There's nothing quite like receiving a gift and it's hard to imagine anyone not feeling loved when they get one. It's something you can hold in your hand, knowing your partner was thinking of you. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought and is therefore very precious – whether it costs money or not. Gifts are visual symbols of love and are more important to some than to others. If Receiving Gifts is your primary love language you will be greatly moved by gifts, as you will see these as confirmation of your partner's love for you.
Obviously if they are not forthcoming, you may question that love. On the other hand, if your partner's primary love language is Receiving Gifts, and yours isn't, you will have to learn what Chapman calls your 'second language' and learn to become a present giver. Make a list of all the gifts your partner has expressed excitement about in the past and select ones you are comfortable with (they don't have to cost anything). Don't wait for a special occasion – almost any gift you give him will be seen as an expression of your love for him.
Acts of service
While Acts of Service are not what you might call romantic and often entail fixing the geyser, mowing the lawn or preparing a meal for your partner every evening, to some people they are considered a sign of love because they require thought, planning, time, effort and energy.
In the first flush of romance it's almost a joy to perform Acts of Service for each other, but Chapman warns not to base any long-term expectations on this phase, as after 10 years together anyone would get tired of washing the dishes, no matter how much love they have in their heart! He also cautions that while you might want to show your love for your partner through Acts of Service, you should be clear about your motives. Are you doing it out of love or because you feel you have to?
Physical Touch
Physical Touch is one of the most powerful ways of communicating romantic love and most of us feel completely unloved without it. Physical touch can make or break a relationship, says Chapman. The touch of love takes on numerous forms and essentially you need to take your cue from your partner. Don't insist on touching your partner in your way and your time as he might consider some forms of touch to be uncomfortable or irritating. If you (or your
partner) then insist on touching, it communicates the opposite of love.
