It wasn’t love at first sight. I was 28 and he was 26 and I had just broken up with my long-term boyfriend. We sat next to each other in church and after the service he asked if he could escort me to my car. We exchanged numbers so that I could let him know when I got home safely and after that we started messaging each other. I was still getting over my ex, but he was under the impression we were dating and when I realised this I said we should stop messaging as I didn’t want him to get the wrong impression.
But a few months later I was in a better headspace so I contacted him again and said we could give it a go if he still wanted but I was going to be up front with him. Did he want a family? Did he want to get married? Was he ready to settle down? I didn’t want to start something that wasn’t going to go anywhere and I was so excited when he said yes to all my questions. We already knew we shared the same beliefs as we met at church.
A few months later he told me he wanted us to start a family and I was thrilled. We hadn’t had sex yet and I told him I wanted to get tested for STDs before we went any further. I had tested clean in the past and had been in a stable relationship with someone I trusted for years before my break-up but I didn’t want to take a chance – I couldn’t put my life and the lives of my future babies in danger. He was really supportive and told me to go for it.
I had confidence I would test negative and wanted him to test too so that we knew for certain neither of us had an STD or STI before we had sex for the first time. He was fine with that too. I went to my GP with confidence, explained everything and she said I could do the HIV test right then, before anything else and I said go ahead.
After the test we started talking about babies and milk and all the wonders of being a mother, but then after a little while she looked at me and said she was sorry. I was HIV-positive.
I couldn’t believe it. That couldn’t be right. That couldn’t be me. I requested more tests but they all came back with the same result. My first thought was to God. God is my leader and I follow his teachings. I said: “God let your will be done”.
I messaged my partner to break the news and he was really understanding. He said it wasn’t a problem, HIV is just like treating the flu or any other illness, you just had to take your meds and you’d be fine. I was overjoyed – so happy he felt that way and that he was so understanding towards me. He said he’d be there for me, wait for me to get better and then we’d still start a family. It wouldn’t take long, I was healthy, I took care of myself and was fit. I was so confident that he understood and would stay by my side.
I was wrong.
Things suddenly started changing. He started asking questions about his own health, what me having HIV would mean for him and how we’d ever be able to have sex if I was HIV-positive. Stupid, selfish questions that we learn the answers to from primary through to high school. I got so pissed off that I told him to find someone perfect like him who was negative and they could start a family ‘cos he simply wasn't willing to wait for me to get better. He said we should call it off, he wanted a baby and was scared of sleeping with me.
It might sound as if I’m just writing this to vent, or to expose us both for our actions but it’s more than that. People need to change the way they think about HIV-positive people. It’s not a death sentence. Life goes on. You can have babies and a family – you just need to be careful. I'm a nurse and I’ve seen a lot of illness and death. HIV is nothing compared to renal failure, diabetes, hypertension and cancer. It’s easily treatable, you just need to take care of yourself and take your meds. It's really up to you to choose if you want to die or you want to live.
I told myself I wouldn’t restrict myself and I wouldn’t pity myself because of my status. Life is precious and I'm going to live.
I’m glad I was up front about my status. If my ex had been up front with me I might not have contracted the virus myself. I would have been extra careful. Just because you have the virus doesn’t mean your partner will get it, you just need to use protection.
But he wasn’t upfront with me. Once when we had sex the condom tore and when I asked about his status he became defensive and didn't say a thing. I remember showing him my results at the time, showed him I was negative so that he knew if I contracted anything it would be his fault. But he kept quiet and didn’t say a word.
Don’t stay quiet, speak up and be honest. For yourself and your partner.
