Let me just say right off the bat that I don't do one night stands. I do very, very short relationships maybe, but not one night stands.
On second thoughts, though, I guess that statement's a little misleading. It's not so much that I don't do them as it is that I'm just not very good at them. So I don't do them any more...You see, I had a bad start to the whole business of ONSing. My first attempt was a miserable fiasco with a Jesus Christ Superstar guy (you know the kind – all beard and dark curly locks, big nose and dark eyes) who turned out to be either wholly inexperienced for a thirty-something-year-old or tragically, unwittingly gay.
Naturally, I only realised this once at his apartment and naked.
After a few uncomfortable moments of him negotiating my clothes and fiddling with my breasts, he unceremoniously propped me down on the bed. Shuffling my legs together into missionary position, and pinning my arms against my body, he closed his eyes and began the procedure of Having Sex. Any movement I tried to make seemed only to distract him from his concentrated efforts. It was only when I managed to free my arm and pat him on the forehead that was I able to snap him out of it.
Needless to say, the evening came to an abrupt end and I went home, totally unsatisfied and re-evaluating my interpretation of sexual chemistry and good kissers.
The second sad attempt was with Mr Lover Lover, an episode not very different to the first and where I learnt the fine art of faking it.
While I do think that ONSs have the potential to be emotionally and physically reckless if your partner is either an emotional retard or psycho, I think they can be quite liberating experiences.
There's something to be said for enjoying sex without all the emotionally taxing whys and wherefores of personality. Even bad ONSs like my first attempt were incredibly empowering in that I came to see and appreciate my own boundaries – I wasn't there to coddle his insecurities and I didn't have to pretend or try. I realised for the first time that I could stop the show mid-coitus if I wasn't enjoying it – not just with a stranger but with anyone.
But shit, to be honest, I'm starting to feel a little cheated. I'd also like to try (successfully) the whole, wild abandon, one night of passion 'best-sex-of-my-life-with-whatsisname' thing. Most other people seem to get it right at least once...
Take Lady Lou for example. After a particularly harrowing year with a partner that did her no good, she took herself for a wee holiday in Canada (why there she still hasn't quite explained, but I shan't judge her). A few days into her happy travels she sent me this text:
'Dot. Get thee hither. Canadian boys rock hard. I kissed three of them last night and got laid with one. Woke up with a view of the harbour and one arm still tied to the bed. Awesome.'
And here I thought Canadians were too busy getting stoned to worry about their hard-ons. But that being beside the point…
Why is it that I can't seem to get my shit together when it comes to getting off with some hot stranger? Why haven't I been able to choose my ONS material as well as I choose my lovers?
I suspect it has something to do with being overly cautious. (After all, weird-ass shit happens all the time – like that guy that got carved up by the woman that he took home.) I suppose it also has to do with the fact that if I'm out and having a good time with my mates, I'd much rather spend it with them than take the chance on (another) bad ONS shag.
But I guess there's always hope, third time lucky and all that. I'm on the lookout (though so far I seem, annoyingly, only to be hitting on men with girlfriends) and I'm positive that soon I'll get some proper booty. Chances are though, that even if I do, I'll run for the hills.
How do you feel about one night stands? Have you tried it? Let us know in the box below...