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Fanning the flame

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A waning sex life – usually the result of irregular work schedules, parenting and other unavoidable elements – has been the final straw for many a relationship. However, sex and relationship counsellors believe sexual relationships needn't go that route with the right amount of timely, and adventurous, intervention.

Kim Joselowitz, owner of Hustler Extreme, an adult shop in Johannesburg, says: "When in a relationship, couples often get into a routine of how they touch each other, sexual techniques and preferences, then gradually things which they may have initially enjoyed become boring. We have an 'if it's not broken, don't try to fix it' mentality, but over time, tastes and techniques can and should change." Joselowitz encourages couples to rediscover those preferences and even try out new things they might have been too shy to do before. She says freedom to bounce off the walls doesn't last forever, so new approaches need to be introduced.

While acknowledging that variety is the spice of life, Sharon Gordon, the owner of Lola Montez, a speciality sex store that focuses on what women want, warns this should not be limited to, or introduced only to bedroom proceedings. Gordon says, "Try new foods, new places, exhibitions and authors. This will give you something to talk about, and talking increases intimacy, which will inevitably lead to better sex."

This holistic approach, says Gordon, works well not only for couples "of a certain age," but anyone wanting to replace the usual humdrum with fun.

For the love of the game
The occasional proverbial "dirty weekend" away from the kids and possibly even your parents – think of small hotels, chalets and backpacking inns if your budget is tight – are also recommended as a means of fanning a dying flame. But don't just drag your waning libidos along. Some chocolate body paint, a can of fresh cream (the one in the spray tin is more fun), strawberries and eye-popping lingerie (preferably in his and hers designs, although swapping could be just as fun)are guaranteed to add a new dimension to what could otherwise be just another dreary getaway.

But even in our frenzied search for new and improved ways of reviving and maintaining sexual relationships, which, like food and clothing, is an essential part of life, we must never lose sight of the fact that safe play can also be fun play.

And remember that any prolonged play, particularly if adult toys are in the mix, often requires use of a lubricant to ease any possible discomfort, or even, pain. Water-based lubricants absorb easily into the skin and are good with condoms. However, in marathon sessions – if you're lucky enough – reapplication is necessary, since these lubricants tend to evaporate easily. Silicon-based lubricants are better suited to increasing the glide factor. If you are new to the game, you might also go for the specialty lubricants, which cause a tingling, tantalising feeling when applied to the skin.

Now, although some of these lubricants promise stimulation, it is important to remember that there is no genie in a bottle that will instigate desire where it doesn't already exist.

Age is just a number
Whilst there are myriad facts outside the bedroom that impact on playtime, sometimes keeping the lust lamp well-lit can salvage a situation where things would otherwise fall apart. It is natural that the role of sex in a relationship should change over time, but that doesn't mean it has to be relegated to the second division.

Gordon adds, "Sex is wild, plentiful and almost always available in your early 20s, but it becomes much better as you get older. It has a lot to do with now knowing what you want. You understand your body and what gives it pleasure, and with that comes confidence. And there is nothing sexier than a sexually confident woman." Confidence is something an inexperienced lover can't fake, so when you are age-wise, capitalise on whatever you have going.

"If you don't know your body by your 30s and especially in your 40s – start now," Gordon advises. "Explore every nook and cranny of your body to ensure you know without any doubt where all your pleasure areas are and what brings you to orgasm. Life is too short for bad sex!"

The game plan
Once you've ruled out physical or emotional causes, try these tips to "spice things up":

  • Arrange intimate times together.
  • Make "sex dates" and stop waiting for spontaneity.
  • Think about activities that lead to sex.
  • Shop for sex toys together.
  • Read erotic literature to each other.
  • Use your imagination.
  • Share your fantasies with your partner, and experiment.
  • Include appetisers (foreplay), main course (intercourse or acts leading to orgasm) and dessert (after-play).
  • Have sexual play leading to orgasm without intercourse.
  • Be generous and flexible in your lovemaking.

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