Your rating guide:
* = "Ooh!"
** = "Ooh! Aah!"
*** = Highly inflammable. Lock up your pets – this one would blow them away!
POSITION 1: The two-minute wheel
Getting on top is great, but on those days when your orgasm is proving elusive, it can get a bit boring bouncing around up there on your own. Enter the two-minute wheel. Just like the old favourite firework, the Catherine wheel, you're going to spin! It only has a "two-minute burn time" – which, in bedroom terms, hardly makes for a sex marathon – but, trust me, two minutes is all you need to hit outer orbit with this position!
How to light the fuse:
Get your man to lie back, then lower yourself onto his erect penis, placing your feet on either side of his body. Once you're comfortable, lift one leg over his body –supporting yourself by placing your hands on the floor – then begin to rotate (using your hands to walk around), stopping whenever you want to for thrusts until you've gone full circle. Not only will you get a panoramic view of the bedroom as you spin, you'll also enjoy the best two minutes of your life!
Big bang rating: **
POSITION 2: The breathless fountain
Really great sex should leave you hot, happy and gasping for more. Before you start, get yourself a bottle of champagne (even a cheap bottle will do) and cover the carpet. Yes, you're going to make a huge mess – but, then, that's half the fun!
How to light the fuse:
Once you're both naked, get horizontal while your man, in keeping with the "fountain" theme, gives the bottle a good shake before letting the champagne cascade all over your breasts, stomach and parted legs. Then enjoy the feeling of him slurping up the bubbly – making sure he keeps topping up your belly button! Breathless? You bet!
Big bang rating: ***
POSITION 3: Morning glory
It would be rather interesting to try to make his morning glory "burn with many colours", producing a torch-like effect just like a lit sparkler. However, that kind of cruelty isn't necessary. So, instead, the special effects are going to be all yours – and if your X-rated display draws "Oooohs" from him, demand more than a round of applause.
How to light the fuse:
Begin by giving him a blow job, but in between sucks, take a tip from Dan Anderson and Maggie Berman, authors of Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man (HarperCollins, R108) and "slide his shaft out of your mouth, flicking his penis against your cheek or neck for a couple of gentle slaps". But go easy: you're not aiming to do him permanent damage – are you!?
Big bang rating: *
POSITION 4: Warhead launcher
This awesome missile achieves unbelievable altitudes, say military experts. Translated into bedroom language, we're talking deeper-than-deep penetration, courtesy of his massive warhead. But before your womb recoils at the thought of him assuming his favourite deep-impact position – throwing your ankles around your ears and pounding away like a jackhammer (why do so many men do that?) – relax. "Deep" doesn't have to mean dislodging your vital organs.
How to light the fuse:
Lie on your back and bring your knees up towards your chin. Then get him to gently thrust. Make sure he breaks off regularly to stroke and kiss your feet and the back of your thighs, before working his hands slowly towards your clitoris and vulva. When you're ready, he can go deeper and – just like a firework – prepare for "a loud, crackling burst at the apex of its flight path"!
Big bang rating: ***
POSITION 5: Raging Rottweilers
Here's how to make doggie-style more female-friendly – and turn your bedroom into a rocket launching pad! If it all goes to plan, not only will it have him straining at the leash, but he'll be firing with the ferocity of a pack of raging Rottweilers!
How to light the fuse:
The first rule is: you're in charge – which means he must remain still. Mount him with your back towards him. Then, while sliding up and down his penis, drop onto your elbows and use the friction of the sheet or pillow to graze against your nipples – the added stimulation will send your senses into a red-hot blaze! For extra stimulation, tip your pelvis so that your entire genital area comes into contact with his pelvis whenever you push back. This creates deeper penetration.
Big bang rating: **
POSITION 6: Cheese head fountain
Although this tactic is designed for water fun, it's as sizzling as a red-hot coal, and it will enable you to have as much fun as if you were both straddling a comet!
How to light the fuse:
Get in the shower and invite him in. Quickly rub soap all over your chest and massage his back with your wet, soapy body, enjoying the sensuous feeling of two hot, slippery bodies rubbing against each other. Then reach round and wash his chest, thighs and genitals. Remaining behind him, rub your soapy, slippery hands all over his erection. Once it's thoroughly washed and rinsed, spin him around, indulge his chest with a quick scrub, then pop his penis into your mouth. Think of it as using your tongue to dry him off and literally lap the water off his penis. Then lead him to the bedroom and let him reciprocate your tender loving care.
Big bang rating: *
POSITION 7: Galaxy of strobing stars
A sure-fire clitoris-pleaser that will have you seeing stars! You may have heard that humming your favourite tune on his penis will get him going. Well, it works for women too – and even the most tone-deaf man can master it.
How to light the fuse:
Get him to hum on your vulva and clitoris, sending vibrations to your hot spots like a human vibraphone. He can choose anything from the musical repertoire, from grand opera to kwaito! Don't worry if he's out of tune – just get him to place the tip of his tongue on your clitoris, then push the tip of a small vibrator on the other side of his tongue. The result? The hottest duet in town!
Big bang rating: ***
POSITION 8: Toot 'n twirl
Let's be honest – testicles take a back seat during sex. But they're not just there for decoration – they're little orbs of pleasure in their own right, so here's a little treat for them. While we can't promise his testicles will "skyrocket and whip violently into silver feathers", they'll be so overjoyed to have finally been noticed that anything's possible.
How to light the fuse:
Arm yourself with a make-up brush and lightly brush his inner thighs, penis and abdomen. Then do repeated circles around his testicles for the ultimate in toe-curling titillation. Or, if you prefer, while giving him a hand-job, lightly scratch your nails across the skin of his scrotum. Next, gently slap the testicle backwards so that it rocks like a pendulum, and, as he approaches orgasm, squeeze his balls while rolling and juggling them in your fingers (not too hard!). Forget November 5, sister – he'll think all his Christmases have come at once!
Big bang rating: ***
