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Cabin baggage
Johannesburg-based psychiatrist and sex therapist Dr Bernard Levinson regularly deals with patients who have many problems that interfere with their ability to gain and maintain a satisfying sex life. "Cultures are really important in shaping not only each individual's view, but also the common values of a society. This is not always necessarily negative and many of the foundations of the cultural practices may be good. But for some people, there are certain cultural expectations that actually hinder their ability to have a happy and satisfying sex life," says Dr Levinson.
"I once had a male patient who was too proud to allow his wife to help him to achieve an erection. In his way of seeing things, a [Zulu] man must not show anything but sexual prowess in the bedroom. He must be ready to perform at any time. The very thought that he might be struggling to achieve an erection was hard for him to confront. This patient was unable to satisfy his wife, yet he was initially reluctant to allow her to help him. The woman's involvement in helping a man to reach full arousal is shunned by some people. He eventually agreed to confront his problem, but of course, there are many people out there who never get around to admitting to, never mind doing anything to treat their own sexual problems."
Dr Levinson explains that similar problems are found in the various sub-cultures in South Africa. "It is something worth exploring further."
Because when statements such as "our society this... and our society that..." are bandied about, it's a broad generalisation, as one never knows the other sub-cultural-specific factors that may be surreptitiously dictating how each individual approaches the marital bed.
Losing that luggage
Since sex is a natural need, says Dr Levinson, people should try to resolve any issues that hold them back from experiencing the completeness of good sex. "We all have a desperate need to 'get out of ourselves...' some people might be able to achieve that through hobbies, sport, prayer and music. This transcendental feeling may be achieved in a bad way through the use of alcohol and drugs, and some people do resort to these. It is self-destructive. A good way to release those feelings is through making love – through orgasm," Dr Levinson explains.
Trying to figure out which are the hidden hang-ups that are spoiling your sex life may be a simple matter of talking it over, one part patience, two parts time, and of course in extreme cases where there is little if any between-the-sheets action, outside intervention, such as professional help may be necessary.
Unaccompanied luggage
Some sexual baggage borders on the absurd. What if you find your man's ex provided him with enough kink to turn his sexual expectations into the stuff that headlines are made of? Or perhaps you had a previous lover whose chandelier-swinging antics were so legendary, together you managed to add a new chapter to the Karma Sutra.
Because people approach sex with different preconceptions, a relationship with a desire discrepancy is par for the course. Dr Lorraine Becker of Johannesburg specialises in women's sexual health and says it's unlikely that both parties would have the same levels of desire, as one partner needing sex more frequently is a common scenario.
Excess baggage
When faced with a partner whose bed-hopping antics are so extreme, that there are no more fingers and toes to help count the conquests, relaxing in the relationship can become a challenge. And trust can become an issue.
Johannesburg-based clinical social worker Jeanine Errera says trust is a fragile thing but it can be restored in a relationship as long as both partners are willing to take the necessary steps. This may be a simple case of frank communication and listening without being too quick to judge, or long-term intervention strategies such as couples counselling or therapy.
One further thing to bear in mind when your new beau comes with excess baggage is that feeling insecure about his sexual appetite could easily be the least of the problems to deal with. According to Stats SA's mid-year population estimates for 2007, HIV prevalence in South Africa is around 11 percent or 5,3 million infected individuals.
When the baggage comes with a health warning, it may not be the best type of burden to bear. Choosing to neglect this very critical factor may well be a life-or-death decision. Along with practicing safe sex, Voluntary Counselling and Testing should be the standard procedure when hooking up for the long haul.
How have you dealt with sexual baggage? Share your story below.
