There is a reason girls like musicians. I knew why in practice, but not in theory until very recently. The Don and I were having a heart-to-heart about the fine art of hand jobs and he explained to me that musicians are so good with their hands because they need to learn how to multitask them with everything else.

‘You know,’ he said, wiggling his fingers for effect, ‘strum a guitar, sing a song, tap your feet ... you have to train your brain to do things with different things – all at the same time. Takes skillz.’

True that. Men tend to forget that there is a whole rest of body when they’re doing that incredibly single-minded focus thing they do: now I am kissing the mouth, now I am touching the boobs, now I am eating the pussy.

So back to those skillz.

I once dated a trumpeter with some wicked lip and finger action. Turns out a lot of other girls were getting the same action, but how can I blame him spreading the love around? A man who knows how to get a woman off with his fingers is a rare man indeed.

Because it’s not very easy to do. In fact, I have a lot of sympathy for men who have not mastered the five-finger tickle. I could sing my own version of Katy Perry’s ‘Kissed a Girl’, but along the lines of ‘I fingered a girl and found it was very difficult to do’. Not as catchy, but more educational. Which would be perfect because, I believe, this shit needs to be addressed.

Case in point. Some dudes over in Twitterland informed me about the word ‘gutting’, with the definition being: ‘When you finger a chick like a savage, similar to gutting a fish.’

Doesn’t that make your vagina cringe? And yet, who can blame them, when from the age of 13 they’ve been staring wide-eyed at Americano porn of boobed plastic figurines spread-eagled, furiously frigging away at their poor clits and jack-hammering foreign objects at speed up their fannies.

If your man’s doing this to your body he needs to be lovingly re-educated Mao-style.

Though, to be fair, I can’t really come down too hard on the boys. I’m not very confident in my penis wank jobs either, or at least taking them to their happy conclusion. Unless I get the rest of my body or mouth involved or start making ‘hmm yeah baby’ sex sounds, I get a little unsure with the one-sided fap fap. Especially if there’s no lube.

I guess there’s the, eh, rub. Successful hand fucking is much the same as actual fucking. A good hand job is about the whole body. It’s no fun if you’re on automatic or sporting all the finesse of a drunk grizzly. And that initial hand-to-crotch exploratory introduction is all about first impressions isn’t it?

There is nothing more-ish about your lady bits being suddenly attacked by claws (remember boys, wash your hands and clip your nails before dipping those paws into the honey jar), your clit sporting friction burn or having a finger or five trying to ram the Great Gates of Cervix – that hand job where you just want to push the offending foreign object out of you, shouting ‘Slow down there Yogi!’. That said, there’s nothing knee-buckling about a vagina-shy guy either. 

No. My fave is a dude who knows the value of pressure and a gentle lippy pinch ’n’ squeeze, who knows you don’t have to fist to fill, who knows the clit bean is more stroke than poke, and knows never, ever to change rhythm when you’re about to come. Hand banging and ‘gutting’ might ensue from there, but rarely before. At least for most of the women I’ve spoken to. 

Still, saying all of that, girls who don’t know how to wank themselves could take a lesson from guys. They’ve been jerking off since the womb and know exactly what works and doesn’t work for them. You can’t really be bitching about a guy’s hand skillz if you don’t know how to tickle your own fancy. N’est-ce pas?

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