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Partners
When a person goes through a divorce it feels as if their entire world has crumbled; those shared dreams vanish, you are broken, your heart lies there in a million pieces.
• Will it ever mend?
• Will anyone want me after this?
• Is there something essentially wrong with me?
All these questions and more come to mind.
We all enter the world of matrimony hopeful that this will be a loving and happy relationship.
When it ends even the strongest succumb to disillusionment, hopelessness, self destructive behaviour.
Some remarry very soon afterwards, if you lucky it lasts or it fizzles quicker than the ink has dried on the papers. After the 3rd or even 4th marriage, one wonders WTH is going on? When people get divorced, irrespective of their age or years together, there is always that blame game then it moves on to being seen as a victim and finally denial.
We all experience marital issues, from incompatibility; abuse to extra-marital affairs, there are a million reasons why divorce happens from the bizarre to the absolute unbelievable.
Irrespective of what religion one follows, some of us opt to marry at a young age. I married at 20, when asked for advice on marrying at a young age; I would be the first to say wait a while. Being Muslim, I am fully aware of the teachings, and it is encouraged to marry upon reaching maturity; however such intentions are good but sadly, divorce rate is very high and we are constantly questioning why is it so high?
Is there a simple reason....? ONESELF!
It’s human nature to block out our faults and point the finger at the other party. There is an old saying that ‘it takes two people to make a marriage work just as it takes two people to make it fail."
In order to break this vicious cycle I think it’s imperative to stop the victim mentality and face up to the facts. We need to look introspectively. I was once advised by a very wise person, “learn to take stock of oneself” it is always helpful to look at one’s problems on the larger scale and how you as an individual contribute to the problem.
If we can learn to analyze ourselves honestly, admit our faults, try to work on fixing your own weaknesses half the battle is won. It’s not up to you to change the other person, because that’s impossible, change comes from within. We need to change ourselves and our shortcomings first. If then it doesn’t work out, we can stop beating ourselves up and realise that the other party could not change from within hence the honeymoon is over.
Imagine if that person has not learned any lessons from this failed relationship; he/she will carry the same into every other relationship. Divorce is never good, its destructive and hurtful, but it’s a reality.
Once we realise our role and responsibility in that relationship, will we be able to see things differently, when the time comes to think about getting married again, we will stand firm and confident; not weak and vulnerable.
Every experience we have in life contains lessons that can be turned into wisdom. Marriage is a part of life and something we should aim for but in the process we should not lose sight of our individual role in life; we are answerable for ourselves; our actions and the type of person you are. Marriage, like anything else in life, is a way to learn, to experience, to know others and to know ourselves. At the same time, our life after marriage is also something to be experienced and learned from.
Sometimes we are made to think that we are only half a person if we do not have a partner in life. We need to realise that we are complete as a person; the other party compliments us and helps us grow and be better.
There is no hurry to marry or remarry, but there is no time to spare in strengthening and developing ourselves.
Check out Saffiya's blog or follow her on Twitter.
You can also Follow Women24 on Twitter.
• Will it ever mend?
• Will anyone want me after this?
• Is there something essentially wrong with me?
All these questions and more come to mind.
We all enter the world of matrimony hopeful that this will be a loving and happy relationship.
When it ends even the strongest succumb to disillusionment, hopelessness, self destructive behaviour.
Some remarry very soon afterwards, if you lucky it lasts or it fizzles quicker than the ink has dried on the papers. After the 3rd or even 4th marriage, one wonders WTH is going on? When people get divorced, irrespective of their age or years together, there is always that blame game then it moves on to being seen as a victim and finally denial.
We all experience marital issues, from incompatibility; abuse to extra-marital affairs, there are a million reasons why divorce happens from the bizarre to the absolute unbelievable.
Irrespective of what religion one follows, some of us opt to marry at a young age. I married at 20, when asked for advice on marrying at a young age; I would be the first to say wait a while. Being Muslim, I am fully aware of the teachings, and it is encouraged to marry upon reaching maturity; however such intentions are good but sadly, divorce rate is very high and we are constantly questioning why is it so high?
Is there a simple reason....? ONESELF!
It’s human nature to block out our faults and point the finger at the other party. There is an old saying that ‘it takes two people to make a marriage work just as it takes two people to make it fail."
In order to break this vicious cycle I think it’s imperative to stop the victim mentality and face up to the facts. We need to look introspectively. I was once advised by a very wise person, “learn to take stock of oneself” it is always helpful to look at one’s problems on the larger scale and how you as an individual contribute to the problem.
If we can learn to analyze ourselves honestly, admit our faults, try to work on fixing your own weaknesses half the battle is won. It’s not up to you to change the other person, because that’s impossible, change comes from within. We need to change ourselves and our shortcomings first. If then it doesn’t work out, we can stop beating ourselves up and realise that the other party could not change from within hence the honeymoon is over.
Imagine if that person has not learned any lessons from this failed relationship; he/she will carry the same into every other relationship. Divorce is never good, its destructive and hurtful, but it’s a reality.
Once we realise our role and responsibility in that relationship, will we be able to see things differently, when the time comes to think about getting married again, we will stand firm and confident; not weak and vulnerable.
Every experience we have in life contains lessons that can be turned into wisdom. Marriage is a part of life and something we should aim for but in the process we should not lose sight of our individual role in life; we are answerable for ourselves; our actions and the type of person you are. Marriage, like anything else in life, is a way to learn, to experience, to know others and to know ourselves. At the same time, our life after marriage is also something to be experienced and learned from.
Sometimes we are made to think that we are only half a person if we do not have a partner in life. We need to realise that we are complete as a person; the other party compliments us and helps us grow and be better.
There is no hurry to marry or remarry, but there is no time to spare in strengthening and developing ourselves.
Check out Saffiya's blog or follow her on Twitter.
You can also Follow Women24 on Twitter.
