Finding your orgasm

This is for my friend, Beatrice.

I had my first orgasm when I was about 11. It happened quite by accident and took me quite by surprise. Who knew the edge of a mattress on a floor could be so entertaining.

I remember being so taken and bewildered by the contractions I was experiencing, but when my body finally relaxed (in what I was later to learn was an endorphin high), I knew I wanted more where that came from.

Naturally, I became a fervent fan of wanking.

Masturbation taught me just about everything I know about my body and what it needs in order to hit a happy high note – from the ‘meh’ moments to those truly epic orgasms the likes of which inspire poetry about love and whatnot. (An aside, do you know that scientists have found that people – men and women – aren’t able to register emotion at the moment climax. True story.)

Anyway.

Over two decades of self-love and great lovers I have my personal range of orgasms covered: Clit orgasm, check. ‘Vaginal’/penetrative/G-spot orgasm, check. That inside-but-not-quite orgasm, check. The funny-place-right-about-somewhere-at-the-top orgasm, check. The wet dream orgasm, check.

As you can imagine, Beatie, my vagina and I are firm friends.

Sex, sensuality and orgasms are three of life’s greatest gifts. They trump even chocolate and champagne. And Jellybellys.
Which is why I believe a fairy dies every time I hear these sorts of comments from women I speak to:

Plum A: Oh I don’t really pay much attention to what goes on down there. That’s his territory. 
Plum B: I just don’t really have orgasms with my partner, you know, it’s just something I’ve accepted.
Plum C: I don’t really orgasm. I'm actually ok with it you know.

I kind of straddle the line between 'girl, take some responsibility for yourself and get frigging' and the feeling that maybe orgasms aren't where it's all at, you know.

Sex has become such a goal-orientated affair it seems. Pick up any mag – women's or men's – and it's all about how many millions of ways you can get yourself or your lover off. But in our frantic rush to be good, better, best at everything, we've forgotten that slowly, slowly wins the race.

And such is the case with orgasms.

While I don't think any woman should be made to feel less than goddess-like because she doesn't orgasm at the drop Mr Man's pants, doesn't squirt a stream or doesn't experience penetrative or g-spot orgasm, I think being totally inorgasmic is a real tragedy. 

A tragedy, I'm of the opine, because it's so avoidable. Far from being a physiological fact of nature, I think most inorgasmic women are only that way because they haven't taken the time to explore themselves and their fantasies.

(And don't kid yourself, if you're new at this game, it's going to take some time. Men and women were not created equal in the ease of orgasm department. Why do you think its called the orgasm gap?)

We can blame Mr Mans about not taking their time in the sack, but ultimately, it's your choice as to who you're letting into your bed and what you do when you get there. Your body, your choice and all that.

Finding your orgasm when you're by yourself is one thing, trying to do it with a partner is whole other ball game.

But I can say this.

You have to feel safe with your partner and not judged; that you can trust them 100%. Don't rush; don't be scared or feel guilty to fantasise about something else – being really and truly in the moment 100% of the time is a myth, especially if you're still learning about what turns you on. Don't be ashamed to get off on your dirtiest fantasy – it's in your mind after all, no one else will know about it unless you want them too.

Don't be angry or disappointed if it doesn't happen immediately or the even after the 100th time. Finding your pleasure in sensuality is what makes the journey so much fun.

But mostly, you have to fall in love with yourself, your body and whatever your mind kicks up as fantasy material. The quickest way to stop pleasure is too start judging it. There is no normal, 'correct' way to orgasm. There is just your way. I just want you to find it.

Chocolate, bubbly and jellybellys can only take you so far.