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The top ranking honours go to those who show an "astounding misapplication of judgement" in the events leading up to their untimely demises, like this year's laureate, a 58 year old alcoholic who managed to pickle himself with a liberal sherry enema. It's a pretty disgusting and desperate way to die, but as far as I'm concerned, it's this year's runners up who really took the koek. .
Authorities were baffled when they found a 21 year old couple lying naked and very dead in the middle of the road. It was like one of those sneaky lateral thinking puzzles .
There was no sign of their clothes, no witnesses, wrecked cars or any evidence of what had happened. It only became clear when the investigators discovered two sets of neatly folded clothes atop the rooftop of a nearby building – a rather steep pyramid-shaped rooftop.
True Confessions
I asked my friends about their friskiest and riskiest al fresco encounters. (All names have been changed to spare them more public ridicule than they've already endured).
The experiences ranged from lusty to life-threatening. For some it was all about the adrenaline and the risk of being caught, for others it was that they simply couldn't wait, or there was nowhere else to do it (particularly for those looking back on teen years still living with their parents) or because they were simply smashed and not thinking very clearly.
There were plenty of tales of furtive bathroom sex in clubs and restaurants and even at the movies (where a quickie in the ladies loo proved far more entertaining than Shrek 3 even with the noxious smell of antiseptic and the talking toilet ads).
Hiding out in the bushes at Oppikoppi, inside a themed Octopus jungle gym and pulling off the road on quiet mountain passes or into the picnic areas adjoining busy highways.
For some, it was all about the thrill. Johannes used to get blowjobs in restaurants from his petite girlfriend who could slip under the tablecloth unnoticed with ease. Carlos was nearly bust shagging in the doorway of a building not two metres from a queue of 50 clubgoers.
Tamsyn got lucky at a Lucky Strike party when she wrapped her legs around a young man in the river, only to be very publicly outed by jeering nicotine fiends. Or the very silly (and very drunk) Anna, who just couldn't resist her new found paramour that she'd just met a few scant hours before and consummated her passion in a parked car on Long Street, in full view of passersby and the CCTV cameras.
It's part of the reason Jen isn't that fond of sex in public because she finds it distracting, always having to be on the look out. Others have bigger things to worry about, like my friend, Francis, who barely avoided becoming a Darwin Awards statistic herself at the tender age of 18, when she had sex on a surfboard while it was strapped to the top of a moving car. Luckily, she says, the guy didn’t last very long.
Safe Sex
Unfortunately, in this country there are more hectic dangers than being bust by a peeved bouncer or maitre d' or even falling off a surfboard. Sam's most memorable public sex experience was fornicating among the Dr Seussian flora of the botanical gardens in Grahamstown at night. When he mentioned it to friends (he swears he wasn't bragging), they responded with horror. "You had sex in that park? You mean MURDER park?"
Likewise, Melanie was very freaked out when she was coiled around her boyfriend on Clifton beach at night only to have a stranger walk right up to them and stand watching them. "I was sitting astride my boy, riding him, so I didn't see who it was standing behind us or what he wanted. We just froze and after ages, he eventually wandered off, but it was really creepy."
And Tracy still gets the grils about her close call on Chapman's Peak drive.
Returning home from a fantastic dinner with her husband, on the spur of the moment, they decided to pull over for a little after-dinner treat atop of the cliffs looking down on Hout Bay. It was great until a car pulled in right behind them, blocking in their car, with brights turned up to stun.
"We shat ourselves. The car was full of four guys. It was so stupid." But before it went any further into Deathproof or heck, Deliverance territory, another car arrived and the vehicle caging them in peeled away, tyres squealing.
Moral Of The Story
There's a lesson in all of this, kids. If you're gonna succumb to the tacky thrills of doing it in public, you should choose your location with the same kind of care you're hopefully applying to your choice of partner. Avoid deserted places. And crowded places. And places in between. And especially pyramid rooftops.
What do you think about sex in public? What's your friskiest or riskiest experience? Have your say in the comments below.
