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How to fight fairly

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We all know that relationships require a lot of work.

Silly disagreements and/or bad habits that manifest over time can - too often - mark the end of a once happy and fulfilled union.

Couples need to understand, however, that there will always be conflict. But, says marital and relationship therapist Dr Michael Tobin, in order for your relationship to flourish, you need to accept that you and your partner have different personalities, opinions and feelings.

Because - and how can you not agree with him on this?! - only THEN can the two of you fight fairly and resolve issues.

Here are his secrets:

1. Identify what you are fighting about.
Often you will have been arguing for so long about so many different issues that you can't pin down what's really bothering you.

2. Choose a time when you are both relaxed
Where you won't be distracted by friends, the children or the telephone.

3. Don't blame each other
It's very easy to say, "It's your fault. You are the reason I feel so miserable." Blaming puts your partner on the defensive and never resolves anything. Your partner will most likely counterattack and both of you will end up on the losing side.

4. Don't mind-read or expect your partner to know what you are thinking and feeling.
Tell your partner what you want, and be specific. If you want more support, ask for it. In his book Holding on to Romance (Human & Rousseau), H Norman Wright suggests, "Share with your spouse both your good and bad feelings. Verbalising feelings greatly minimises guessing, misunderstanding and arguing."

5.Stick to the topic
Don't bring in other stored-up resentments. Agree to discuss only what's relevant.

6. Don't use silence as a weapon.
Tell your partner what's bothering you. If you find this difficult, write your partner a letter but avoid blaming. Write about how you would like to improve your marriage.

7. Put yourself in your partner's shoes
Try to understand how he feels.

8. Don't say 'yes' when you mean 'no'.
Not only are you being untrue to yourself, but this will build resentment. Be honest and build your relationship on trust. Arnold Mol, author of Let's Both Win (Tafelberg), advises, "The worst thing to answer when your partner asks you what the matter is would be to say 'Nothing'. Rather tell them that you're upset, but that you can't talk about it right away."

9. Don't attack your partner's self-worth.
When we are angry it's so easy to say, 'You're a lazy, terrible father and an awful husband.' We are so quick to point out our partner's blemishes that we tend to forget about our own. Instead of making angry statements that begin with 'you', try making 'I' statements, for example, 'I feel resentful when you don't help around the house'.

10. Don't take your partner for granted.
We are usually more polite, kind and considerate to friends and tend to forget all the little things our partner does for us.

11. Don't assume you know what your partner thinks and feels
Don't just hear; listen with understanding. Respond as a friend, support him and show concern.

12. Never threaten or act in any way that frightens, intimidates or abuses your partner
If you're angry? Dr Tobin suggests you go into a room where you won't be disturbed and beat a pillow or scream until you feel all your rage dissipating. Then, write a letter about what's bothering you and what's missing in your relationship.

*Article originally written by Shamila Petersen for Ideas magazine.

How do you prevent an argument from escalating? Share your relationship tips and advice below.


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