Silly disagreements and/or bad habits that manifest over time can - too often - mark the end of a once happy and fulfilled union.
Couples need to understand, however,
that there will always be conflict. But, says marital and relationship therapist Dr Michael Tobin, in order for your relationship to flourish, you need to accept that you and your partner have different personalities, opinions and feelings.
Because - and how can you not agree with him on this?! - only THEN can the two of you fight fairly and resolve issues.
Here are his secrets:
1. Identify what you are
fighting about.
Often you
will have been arguing for so
long about so many different
issues that you can't pin down
what's really bothering you.
2. Choose a time when you
are both relaxed
Where you won't
be distracted by friends, the
children or the telephone.
3. Don't blame each other
It's very easy to say, "It's your
fault. You are the reason I feel
so miserable." Blaming puts your
partner on the defensive and
never resolves anything. Your
partner will most likely counterattack
and both of you will end
up on the losing side.
4. Don't mind-read or expect
your partner to know
what you are thinking and
feeling.
Tell your partner what
you want, and be specific. If you
want more support, ask for it. In
his book Holding on to Romance
(Human & Rousseau), H Norman
Wright suggests, "Share with
your spouse both your good
and bad feelings. Verbalising
feelings greatly minimises
guessing, misunderstanding
and arguing."
5.Stick to the topic
Don't
bring in other stored-up
resentments. Agree to discuss
only what's relevant.
6. Don't use silence as a
weapon.
Tell your partner
what's bothering you. If you find
this difficult, write your partner
a letter but avoid blaming. Write
about how you would like to
improve your marriage.
7. Put yourself in your
partner's shoes
Try to
understand how he feels.
8. Don't say 'yes' when you
mean 'no'.
Not only are you
being untrue to yourself, but this
will build resentment. Be honest
and build your relationship on
trust. Arnold Mol, author of Let's
Both Win (Tafelberg), advises, "The worst thing to answer when
your partner asks you what
the matter is would be to say 'Nothing'. Rather tell them that
you're upset, but that you can't
talk about it right away."
9. Don't attack your partner's
self-worth.
When we are
angry it's so easy to say, 'You're
a lazy, terrible father and an
awful husband.' We are so
quick to point out our partner's
blemishes that we tend to forget
about our own. Instead of
making angry statements that
begin with 'you', try making 'I'
statements, for example,
'I feel resentful when you
don't help around the house'.
10. Don't take your
partner for granted.
We are usually more polite,
kind and considerate to friends
and tend to forget all the little
things our partner does for us.
11. Don't assume you
know what your
partner thinks and feels
Don't just hear; listen with
understanding. Respond as
a friend, support him and
show concern.
12. Never threaten or
act in any way
that frightens, intimidates
or abuses your partner
If you're angry? Dr Tobin suggests you
go into a room where you
won't be disturbed and beat
a pillow or scream until you
feel all your rage dissipating.
Then, write a letter about
what's bothering you and
what's missing in your
relationship.
*Article originally written by Shamila Petersen for Ideas magazine.
How do you prevent an argument from escalating? Share your relationship tips and advice below.