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Detox day 1: “Good heavens. This was harder than I’d thought.”

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To catch up on the series, read Love, sex, drama and self-discovery: The escapades of Violet Online.

Okay, so I am not dating. I am not drinking and I am not eating carbs.  I’m on a thirty day Detox.

I want to get fit, healthy, turn my life around and shake things up. 

My computer has been switched off.  (It will be, after this story.)  I’ve taken Tinder off my phone and I’ve logged out of Twitter and Facebook.  I’ve hidden my profile on the Dating Site, and a new shiny Violet is on the horizon.

It’s Day 01 of my Detox.  I got up at six am and walked, yes walked, to Yoga.

The sunrise was magnificent, and I wondered why I don’t do this more often.  I bounced in to the class, only to find I had the day wrong.  There is no Yoga on Mondays.

I hitched a ride back home, exhausted and hot, and hey, the guy who gave me a lift was pretty cool, but NO DATING.

Feeling fab that I walked to yoga, I stretched out on my couch and picked up a book.  It was The Kama Sutra. Oooh.  I could get into this.

I especially loved Position 22, the Indian headstand, and held the book up and at different angles, trying to work out how to do it.  I got quite turned on, thought about contacting my ex-friend with benefits, and then slammed the book shut.  NO SEX, Violet, NO SEX.

It was a bit too early for a drink, ten am, and oh dear sweet God NO DRINKING anyway, so I poured myself a glass of water, wondered who are these people who drink water, spat it out, and bravely, walked to my local cafe.

Yes, I walked again.  That would be part of my exercise regime.  No matter that a friend had done a half marathon in the morning, I was feeling pretty virtuous that I had walked to yoga and now to coffee.

My waiter asked me if giving up coffee shouldn’t be part of a Detox but I thought fuck you, and ordered a second cup.  I had to do something.  I usually sit at the restaurant and work (play) on the internet, but I had especially left my laptop at home.   I’d done my reading for the day so perusing the newspaper was out of the question.   That meant — talking.  I had to TALK to people.  Real people. 

Sweet Jesus.  This was harder than I’d thought.

I engaged in conversation with the woman next to me. I could’ve chatted to the man on the other side of the table but he looked exactly like Ryan Gosling and I knew that would be trouble

The woman was not on a detox.  While I munched sadly on my salad, she sipped on hot chocolate and seductively ate her cheese cake.  It was easy to ignore her seductiveness, but I had to do everything in my power not to reach over and shove the whole cake into my mouth. She was wearing nice shoes though so I asked her where she’d bought them, and given shopping is not part of my Detox I decided to go buy a pair.

Three pairs of shoes later I was back home.  What now? I went outside, looked at my vegetables, watered the garden, switched the television on, surfed the channels and realised I’d hit a new low when I was watching reality television, namely The Bachelor, at two in the afternoon.  

I opened the fridge and closed it, then opened it again expecting something miraculous to appear.  

I was going mad.  I decided to make lists.  Lists of things to do while on a Detox.

LIST.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

It’s four hours later and my list is still blank.  I may have fallen asleep or just glazed over, I don’t know.  The Bachelor is on Episode Four and it looks like six girls have already left the building.  

Perhaps I’ll enter a reality television thing.

Perhaps I’ll eat the Cadburys Easter egg I found under the couch when I was doing my headstand.

Perhaps I’ll have a drink. 

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