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Terrible, unpleasant and unfortunate things happen to everyone, and some will leave an indelible mark on our selves and our lives. Parents die, lovers leave, and fate may throw us in the way of criminals or a bolt of lightning. But it's vital to our happiness – and our physical health – that we find a way to make use of those experiences to become stronger and smarter.
"Baggage is a loaded word; it suggests burden and heaviness," says Justin Cohen, a human potential specialist and author, who is also co-producer and presenter of the SABC 3 TV show Invent Your Self.
"Conflict, adversity and even trauma do not have to be burdensome. They can be an inspiration to overcome and triumph. I always say our future is not created by our past, it's created by how we see our past."
"Reliving the emotions relating to a past experience is a complex mechanism, involving a part of the brain called the amygdala, which is involved in forming memories associated with an emotion," explains neuropsychiatrist Dr Frans Hugo.
But your general state of mind will have an effect on how often or severe these emotional lashbacks are. "The brain is a wonderfully complex organ," says Dr Hugo. For example, after a hijacking you may experience unpleasant emotional memories when you stop at an intersection with people standing around. The amygdala is involved in this. But after being on holiday and feeling happy, the same situation may not trigger those same unpleasant memories.
Being a strong or happy person to begin with helps, but for many people, especially in the violent society that South Africa sadly still is, traumatic events are not isolated incidents.
"First people are naturally resilient, they have resources and personal strength, but many of the people we see have experienced multiple traumas in their lives," says Lindi Mkhondo, a counselling psychologist at the Centre for the Study of Violence and Reconciliation. "Once we've helped them deal with an immediate trauma, we may then find that they need ongoing therapy to deal with other events they have never really dealt with."
Who gave me this baggage?
While rebuilding after major trauma requires one kind of strength, a tenacious desire for self-discovery is necessary to do the excavations that reveal how more subtle things are affecting us right now.
"Excess emotional baggage can be genetic, for example if there's a predisposition to anxiety, depression, or even a mental or physical handicap," says Christine Lochner, a clinical psychologist with the Medical Research Council's Research Unit on Anxiety and Stress Disorders.
It can also be environmental, the result of disappointing parents, unsatisfying jobs or recurrent relationship failures, for example. There may also be a combination of both kinds of factors.
"Dealing with the negative stuff that's gone before is a non-negotiable part of moving on. It's important to take the time to do this," says Christine. Being busy all the time is a way of not confronting feelings. Emotional cleansing is a vital process that opens the door to spiritual development and self-actualisation. Your childhood may not have been perfect, but you don't have to suffer for the rest of your life. No one can give you closure but yourself.
If you find yourself reacting the same way time and time again, there needs to be a conscious shift on your part. Looking into what precipitated the destructive pattern is half the battle won: Your father left when you were a kid and you never felt safe with men, or you witnessed a crime that has made you scared of being alone at home.
But letting go of those old patterns isn't that easy. Often our perceptions have become skewed by old habit: All men will let me down; no one can be trusted.
Every grievance we have comes from the past, explains psychologist Chuck Spezzano in his book 50 Ways to Let Go and Be Happy (Coronet). We want someone to make up to us for this past grievance before we are willing to let it go. Of course, we may wait until cobwebs grow over us trying to get someone, anyone, to make up for this old grievance.
The secret, says Dr Spezzano, is to realise that dwelling on our grievances will never make us happy, only being willing to let them go can do that. Instead of concentrating on hatred and revenge, therapists encourage their clients to focus on what makes them feel good about themselves.
They help people to take back their sense of personal power, which is often lost, especially when they're a victim of a crime, explains Lindi Mkhondo.
By doing practical things for themselves like exercising, getting enough sleep and practising meditation techniques, they're able to tap into their own resources. Eventually they may feel ready to leave their bad experiences behind them, and perhaps go through a ritual that puts a fullstop at the end of the healing process. This might take the form of burning objects related to the incident, for example. It celebrates moving on.
You can't equate closure with forgetting, but it's a tangible way of saying I'm back in control.
Have you managed to overcome past trauma or baggage? Share your experiences in the comment box below.
