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It was the time in my life where I cried myself to sleep every single night. I was lonely, desperately seeking to fit in, but no matter how hard I tried, I could never fit in. I was in my late twenties when I finally decided to accept myself for who I was and transition to become the woman I am today.
I’ve been on this journey for more than three years. There have been many ups and downs, but with my support structures I’ve manage to forge ahead despite my struggles. The last few years were also the time when I finally learned what is feels like to be happy.
When Gender Dysphoria disappears and you are happy with yourself and the person you see in the mirror, your life changes significantly and you look at the world from a different perspective. You are positive. You want to live and enjoy life to the fullest.
Because identity is important.
It describes who you are. I have finally found myself, my true identity. In reality, however, my new found contentment and identity provided me with new complications. The person I have become doesn’t look like the person I was and suddenly my old identity, as reflected in my green ID document, doesn’t reflect who I am anymore. This provided a new source of Gender Dysphoria, but it was something I had to deal with since I wasn’t allowed change my gender in my ID document.
Every single time I had to use my ID, for whatever purpose, I was forced to “out” myself. This not only caused anxiety, but was also extremely embarrassing. Driving through a roadblock suddenly becomes traumatic because you don’t know how the officer will react when he sees a different person on your driver’s licence. Even doing something simple like using your bank cards was a source of anxiety because often people would reject my payments because my bank cards said “Mr.” and they saw a woman standing in front of them. I battled with my bank at the time for months to simply take away my title on my cards, and eventually I had to close down all my accounts after they refused to provide any assistance.
On 4 March 2015 I received the most wonderful news. My medical transition was complete. This was fantastic because this meant I could finally apply to Home Affairs to have my ID altered and bring some normality to my life. The law said that any person whose sexual characteristics has changed because of medical or surgical gender reassignment, may apply to have their ID altered.
Unfortunately the medical team at Steve Biko Academic Hospital in Pretoria had other ideas. They simply refused to issue the reports I needed because of the problems other Trans Women had to obtain their legally changed ID’s . I was informed that it was their policy to expect all patients to have surgery first before they will issue any reports. They said this was the only way that Home Affairs will not question my gender.
I was enraged at their refusal to help me. I would have waited for an operation if I had any guarantee it would happen. I don’t know how many patients are waiting for operations, but with them doing between one and two a year, I know I will have to wait a long time. I also don’t know if I will be fit to go through such a major operation. The law was written in this way to assist Trans people who cannot afford surgery or who have medical reasons not to have surgery, to be legally recognised.
The last couple of weeks I have questioned the ethics of the medical team that treat me at Steve Biko Hospital. They don’t know the hurt and turmoil Trans People go through. Maybe if they knew that torment and took it seriously they would be more compassionate rather than being just another complication in the way. I would have expected them to stand and fight Home Affairs with me since they have been there with me through the process. They know me. Little did I know my own doctors would become an obstruction to keep me from my identity.
I want to change my ID, not only to reflect who I have become, but also because it will free me from a lot of pain an anxiety I still have to face every day. My medical aid committed them to support me if/when my ID is changed. Although they won’t pay for any surgeries, they will assist me with my medication and treatments which means I wouldn’t be a burden on the hospital and taxpayer anymore. My identity is important to me because it will be the stamp of approval on my existence and I will be recognised and accepted for who I am by law.
Steve Biko Hospital’s refusal to help me has left me in the wilderness. They are forcing me to wait for an operation that might never happen. While they don’t have to face the identity battles I face every day, I have to prepare myself to face these battles for an undermined length of time. Transitioning is a long and difficult process, but you motivate yourself to go forward by achieving small goals. My last goals were to complete my medical transition and then obtain my ID.
Suddenly I stare into the darkness, my future unclear. I don’t know if I will ever have the freedom to be who I am legally. My future has become unknown. Maybe if Steve Biko Hospital knew how painful it is to be stuck in the confinements they have placed on me, maybe then they would not have added to my turmoil.
Next time you use your ID book or drivers licence, think about how privileged you are to use it without explanation or embarrassment. Every time I use it I have to “prove” I am who I say I am.
Being transgender is not something we can do in the privacy of our homes: it affects every aspect of our lives, from our drivers licence and ID, to our work histories, from our birth certificates to our school records and every single relationship represented by those paper trails. - Jamison Green
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