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It took so much strength and a lot of courage to finally pen this down. I guess I still struggle to even think of it.
My name is Vinolia Tlaka and I will be 27-years-old this year, right at the peak of my adulthood but had already had my share of pain. To tell the truth I sometimes wonder if this is what my fate will be - having to fight for just that little bit of happiness.
Here is my story, and I hope it will help one young or old mother like myself who has experienced the pain of loss and the aftermath of trying to just catch a breath again.
I had my son at the tender age of 19, my first year in college. It was the most difficult time because I knew I was going to do it on my own, but the adrenalin rush of first pregnancy was just amazing.
I surely enjoyed my pregnancy and my son was named 6 moths into the pregnancy.
I had my son on the10th December 2007 at exactly 19:40. It was the best day of my life. The love of my life was born, Lethabo that was/is his name, which means Joy for those who don't understand Sotho. What a great intelligent kid I had.
January 16, 2013 started as any other day until I had a call that there was an accident. Until I was told that my only child, my heart beat, was knocked down by a car and killed instantly.
How could love hurt so badly? How could living be so meaningless? These questions have run in my mind since that day.
I had to learn to live again, learn to love and trust again. I had to teach myself to be strong yet again.vAn angel that came into my life was removed out of it without any warning, the person I lived for was no longer alive.vMy life has since been empty and that of a loner, for not only did I lose a son, I lost a huge part of myself.
As a Christian I am taught to forgive and that God is my saviour. I learnt to forgive the driver, I had even tried to meet up with him so I can tell him in person that I forgave him, but he is scared to meet me, somehow he believes I am harmful.
It has been 2 years 5 months since I lost my love, my angel and I miss him more every day. Every achievement I get, I wish he was here to benefit from it. But I know I have gained an angel in heaven.
To the mothers who think it will never get better: it sure takes time but in time we learn to get through a day without breaking down and crying. We learn to look at other people's kids whom are our angel’s age, and smile a genuine smile at them without having a need to wish it was yours.
To my angel Lethabo:
You came into my life and made me a better young lady. You taught me what love is and what living is. You made me the strong woman that I am today, because not only did I have to work hard for you when you were alive, I had to learn to be a working mother at a young age.
When you left I was shattered. To tell you the truth I am still. Not a day passes by without me thinking of you my angel. You are truly an angel that I was blessed to mother and nurture.
I love you a lot and I will love you forever my angel.
I cried when I buried you, I cried not because I will not get to see you anymore, but because I knew you were giving me another challenge of learning – to feel your presence without seeing your body on earth.
I cried because I knew I had to be much stronger so I will be able to keep up with your over energetic soul that will require me to live for both of us.
I cried because not only will I have to preserve your memory but because I was scared of ever falling pregnant again, to have that little sister you always wanted. It scares me that I have to be a mother again one day and I don't know if I can do it.
I miss you so much my angel and may you forever watch over me.
I love you my Lethabo.
