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I am 41 years old. I have learned many lessons over the years, and count myself among those blessed enough to be able to carry on positively no matter what life throws my way because my strength comes from looking for help from a greater power than me.
From 1981 to sometime in 1986, I was sexually abused by my stepfather. Even after intensive psychological and spiritual therapy most of my teenage years are a complete mystery to me. I have blacked out the majority of my childhood and still face new memories and flashbacks some 24 years later!
In those years I lived two distinct lives – one at my exclusive Catholic School and one at home. The difference between those two worlds was so extreme that I still marvel at my own ability to do this. My earliest victory was putting a stop to my sexual abuse, the emotional and psychological abuse, however, continued well into my adult life.
Stumbling and falling
Aside from the sexual abuse there was a huge amount of emotional and psychological manipulation in our home. One of my brothers no longer lived with us – uncontrollable as he was. He was banished first to a place of safety and then to a reform school. After his schooling, he signed up for 10 years of military service. The effect of this on sibling relationships was devastating - neither my older brother nor I saw him or had any contact with him for more than 10 years.
The fall-out from my childhood abuse included (but is not limited to):
• Relationship problems
• Low Self-Esteem
• Self-Sabotage
• Panic Attacks
• Depression
• An Eating Disorder
• Social Alienation
• Difficulties controlling feelings of anger, fear, shame, guilt, frustration, confusion, powerlessness and loss.
Admitting that I was powerless was the only way to come to terms with this. I realised that you have to admit that you could not control what happened to you. Also, I had to admit that I could not manage the symptoms I experienced. I had to hit rock bottom before I could become willing to take actions and begin a healing journey.
In essence, the difference between an admission of powerlessness and the helplessness of the trauma is one of a willingness to take action. Trauma helplessness is passive. Recovery powerlessness is active. This is a paradox. You have to admit you are powerless so that you can take action.
Having had a good personal relationship with God all my life (I cannot remember a time when I did not believe) some of these experiences were really hard to come to terms with but (blessed as I am) I can truthfully say I never questioned that there was a God, my God. I believe that you do not have to believe in God to start on a healing journey. What you do need is an open mind and a resolve to work through the spiritual damage done to every trauma survivor.
Spiritual recovery comes when you make your peace with a belief in a higher power, even though this awful trauma happened to you.
Stepping on the road to recovery
The first person I told about my situation was a Catholic nun. She was great but I was not very forthcoming and the most she could do was listen and empathise. It was enough, though. Most of my therapy involved coming to terms with myself. My feelings. My worth. My inner strength. Today, looking back I would say two things have got me through all these things. Firstly, a strong belief and faith in my God and secondly an optimistic outlook that I (with my faith in place) can overcome anything.
Over the years I worked with a psychotherapist, various counsellors and programmes. There are two processes that I recommend. The first is a step method (Similar to Alcoholics Anonymous) that goes like this:
1. Understand and accept what has happened.
2. Uncover and validate the truth of your story.
3. Learn the tools to assist your healing.
4. Find forgiveness with yourself, your perpetrator and God.
5. Tell your story.
6. Reach out with love and support to others.
7. Be committed to be there for other survivors.
8. Appreciate and find joy in your life.
9. Inspire and guide other
10. Strive to be the best you that you can be.
Healing is not a linear progression and my healing jumped (and still jumps) from one phase to another. One of the greatest therapies for me has always been helping others.
A painful reminder
After 13 years of marriage, I had to face the fact that I had allowed myself to be pulled into another abusive relationship. Even worse, my children had suffered because of my inability to face that fact, or get out before they, too, were affected by his abuse.
Afterward it was hard to reconcile in my mind that I had allowed myself to be beaten, berated and strangled on three occasions without leaving! It was horrifying how I had slipped back into numbness and denial to the extent that I had been re-traumatised and need therapy - again. More so the guilt and shame at having allowed my poor, innocent children to be treated so badly. It took a long time to forgive myself and I have not forgotten the lessons learned in that experience.
I began to understand the cyclic nature of abuse and the complex relationships between abused and abuser. So began another road to recovery which included the soul destroying and uphill legal battles and general apathy that you have to force your way through to get protection orders and have the gumption to have those protection orders enforced.
It is an eye-opener the way the system is run and you have to face things like sitting in the same room as your abuser waiting to go to court. Policemen who want you to serve your own protection orders and, of course, the way people's attitudes towards you are not what you expected. All these are just more hurdles on the way to recovery.
From survivor to victor
Today, I can say I am no longer a victim of abuse. I am a survivor. But I don't want to survive. I want to overcome - be victorious.
It's all in attitude - you chose to remain a victim; you choose to "survive" or rather "endure", or you choose to triumph – with the knowledge that the scars that you bear are testimony to the person you are today.
In the Bible in John Chapter 10 verse 10 Jesus says, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Now, you may not be a Christian or even believe in any god at all, but I think that having life to the full is what conquering is all about and certainly worth striving for.
I am what I was meant to be. I face each day anew - with joy and hope. I grab each opportunity with a love for life I once thought impossible.
Today, I continue my journey of service (www.optimystic.za.net is the website of the NPO that has been formed to do this). Giving back some of what I have received. I would never wish on anyone the journey I have walked, but the rewards of recovery are a blessing I shall cherish forever.
From 1981 to sometime in 1986, I was sexually abused by my stepfather. Even after intensive psychological and spiritual therapy most of my teenage years are a complete mystery to me. I have blacked out the majority of my childhood and still face new memories and flashbacks some 24 years later!
In those years I lived two distinct lives – one at my exclusive Catholic School and one at home. The difference between those two worlds was so extreme that I still marvel at my own ability to do this. My earliest victory was putting a stop to my sexual abuse, the emotional and psychological abuse, however, continued well into my adult life.
Stumbling and falling
Aside from the sexual abuse there was a huge amount of emotional and psychological manipulation in our home. One of my brothers no longer lived with us – uncontrollable as he was. He was banished first to a place of safety and then to a reform school. After his schooling, he signed up for 10 years of military service. The effect of this on sibling relationships was devastating - neither my older brother nor I saw him or had any contact with him for more than 10 years.
The fall-out from my childhood abuse included (but is not limited to):
• Relationship problems
• Low Self-Esteem
• Self-Sabotage
• Panic Attacks
• Depression
• An Eating Disorder
• Social Alienation
• Difficulties controlling feelings of anger, fear, shame, guilt, frustration, confusion, powerlessness and loss.
Admitting that I was powerless was the only way to come to terms with this. I realised that you have to admit that you could not control what happened to you. Also, I had to admit that I could not manage the symptoms I experienced. I had to hit rock bottom before I could become willing to take actions and begin a healing journey.
In essence, the difference between an admission of powerlessness and the helplessness of the trauma is one of a willingness to take action. Trauma helplessness is passive. Recovery powerlessness is active. This is a paradox. You have to admit you are powerless so that you can take action.
Having had a good personal relationship with God all my life (I cannot remember a time when I did not believe) some of these experiences were really hard to come to terms with but (blessed as I am) I can truthfully say I never questioned that there was a God, my God. I believe that you do not have to believe in God to start on a healing journey. What you do need is an open mind and a resolve to work through the spiritual damage done to every trauma survivor.
Spiritual recovery comes when you make your peace with a belief in a higher power, even though this awful trauma happened to you.
Stepping on the road to recovery
The first person I told about my situation was a Catholic nun. She was great but I was not very forthcoming and the most she could do was listen and empathise. It was enough, though. Most of my therapy involved coming to terms with myself. My feelings. My worth. My inner strength. Today, looking back I would say two things have got me through all these things. Firstly, a strong belief and faith in my God and secondly an optimistic outlook that I (with my faith in place) can overcome anything.
Over the years I worked with a psychotherapist, various counsellors and programmes. There are two processes that I recommend. The first is a step method (Similar to Alcoholics Anonymous) that goes like this:
1. Understand and accept what has happened.
2. Uncover and validate the truth of your story.
3. Learn the tools to assist your healing.
4. Find forgiveness with yourself, your perpetrator and God.
5. Tell your story.
6. Reach out with love and support to others.
7. Be committed to be there for other survivors.
8. Appreciate and find joy in your life.
9. Inspire and guide other
10. Strive to be the best you that you can be.
Healing is not a linear progression and my healing jumped (and still jumps) from one phase to another. One of the greatest therapies for me has always been helping others.
A painful reminder
After 13 years of marriage, I had to face the fact that I had allowed myself to be pulled into another abusive relationship. Even worse, my children had suffered because of my inability to face that fact, or get out before they, too, were affected by his abuse.
Afterward it was hard to reconcile in my mind that I had allowed myself to be beaten, berated and strangled on three occasions without leaving! It was horrifying how I had slipped back into numbness and denial to the extent that I had been re-traumatised and need therapy - again. More so the guilt and shame at having allowed my poor, innocent children to be treated so badly. It took a long time to forgive myself and I have not forgotten the lessons learned in that experience.
I began to understand the cyclic nature of abuse and the complex relationships between abused and abuser. So began another road to recovery which included the soul destroying and uphill legal battles and general apathy that you have to force your way through to get protection orders and have the gumption to have those protection orders enforced.
It is an eye-opener the way the system is run and you have to face things like sitting in the same room as your abuser waiting to go to court. Policemen who want you to serve your own protection orders and, of course, the way people's attitudes towards you are not what you expected. All these are just more hurdles on the way to recovery.
From survivor to victor
Today, I can say I am no longer a victim of abuse. I am a survivor. But I don't want to survive. I want to overcome - be victorious.
It's all in attitude - you chose to remain a victim; you choose to "survive" or rather "endure", or you choose to triumph – with the knowledge that the scars that you bear are testimony to the person you are today.
In the Bible in John Chapter 10 verse 10 Jesus says, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Now, you may not be a Christian or even believe in any god at all, but I think that having life to the full is what conquering is all about and certainly worth striving for.
I am what I was meant to be. I face each day anew - with joy and hope. I grab each opportunity with a love for life I once thought impossible.
Today, I continue my journey of service (www.optimystic.za.net is the website of the NPO that has been formed to do this). Giving back some of what I have received. I would never wish on anyone the journey I have walked, but the rewards of recovery are a blessing I shall cherish forever.
