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Anyone who argues with this is either:
a) Naturally slim (and shouldn’t have clicked on this article in the first place)
b) Sporty and under 30
c) The type of woman who’ll lie to herself about other things too
It is also true that the hordes of people wanting to lose weight can be divided into 3 categories:
Category 1: The pretenders and the crazies
These are the neurotic women who look great in bikinis and skinny jeans but who still complain incessantly about imaginary rolls. They are utterly annoying but still considered lucky bitches by the rest of us.
Category 2: A larger group of actual mortals
This group consists of women who have actually gained a few kgs, say during winter, and who are now thinking back at all those stews and puddings and bottles of red wine with a bit of nostalgia even while they stand in front of the mirror cursing softly.
To them, I have to say, relax sisters – come spring you’ll be looking just fine again.
Category 3: The “fuller figured” women
We’re often described as “curvy”, “voluptuous”, “plump”, “big” and a whole host of other adjectives. But we know exactly what they mean.
We’re fat, dammit.
So how do you know whether you fall within this much feared and dreaded group? Simply answer the questions below… (Yes, yes, there are all sorts of scientific methods such as fat percentage testing and BMI and so on, but let’s stop kidding ourselves, okay?)
1) When you tell people you want to lose weight they don’t say things like “oh don’t be silly (Cat 1) or “my pants are also a bit tight” (Cat 2). They say things like: “Which diet will you try?” or “Good for you!”
2) Your “fat clothes” have long since become your day to day clothes and you are too scared to go shopping to buy anything new because you don’t want to see what size you fit into now.
3) Your school friends take just a moment too long to recognise you when they meet you on the street.
4) Your mother, in an attempt to console you, tells you that you’ll look just great if you lose 10kgs.
5) You can’t remember the last time you bought underwear that didn’t come in packs of 3 (that’s not counting the horrible slimming pants you bought on the shopping network).
6) You have to look twice to recognise yourself on your holiday pics.
7) You’re not annoyed by your weight anymore, you are now shy about it. When you saw your ex in Checkers you had to hide in the feminine hygiene area for 20 minutes.
8) People have started calling you “jolly,” not “witty”.
9) Your friends and family all look petite suddenly. You cannot comprehend how you used to borrow their clothes.
10) You are a glutton and you hardly exercise.
If, like me, you have answered yes to most of these questions it’s probably time you did something about your weight.
Need help? Try this. And if that doesn’t work, stick with the cheat’s guide to looking slimmer. After you double-check your health here. Or, give this a shot. Oh sod it! Just hang out here for a while.
Please let me know if you come up with any bright ideas…
a) Naturally slim (and shouldn’t have clicked on this article in the first place)
b) Sporty and under 30
c) The type of woman who’ll lie to herself about other things too
It is also true that the hordes of people wanting to lose weight can be divided into 3 categories:
Category 1: The pretenders and the crazies
These are the neurotic women who look great in bikinis and skinny jeans but who still complain incessantly about imaginary rolls. They are utterly annoying but still considered lucky bitches by the rest of us.
Category 2: A larger group of actual mortals
This group consists of women who have actually gained a few kgs, say during winter, and who are now thinking back at all those stews and puddings and bottles of red wine with a bit of nostalgia even while they stand in front of the mirror cursing softly.
To them, I have to say, relax sisters – come spring you’ll be looking just fine again.
Category 3: The “fuller figured” women
We’re often described as “curvy”, “voluptuous”, “plump”, “big” and a whole host of other adjectives. But we know exactly what they mean.
We’re fat, dammit.
So how do you know whether you fall within this much feared and dreaded group? Simply answer the questions below… (Yes, yes, there are all sorts of scientific methods such as fat percentage testing and BMI and so on, but let’s stop kidding ourselves, okay?)
1) When you tell people you want to lose weight they don’t say things like “oh don’t be silly (Cat 1) or “my pants are also a bit tight” (Cat 2). They say things like: “Which diet will you try?” or “Good for you!”
2) Your “fat clothes” have long since become your day to day clothes and you are too scared to go shopping to buy anything new because you don’t want to see what size you fit into now.
3) Your school friends take just a moment too long to recognise you when they meet you on the street.
4) Your mother, in an attempt to console you, tells you that you’ll look just great if you lose 10kgs.
5) You can’t remember the last time you bought underwear that didn’t come in packs of 3 (that’s not counting the horrible slimming pants you bought on the shopping network).
6) You have to look twice to recognise yourself on your holiday pics.
7) You’re not annoyed by your weight anymore, you are now shy about it. When you saw your ex in Checkers you had to hide in the feminine hygiene area for 20 minutes.
8) People have started calling you “jolly,” not “witty”.
9) Your friends and family all look petite suddenly. You cannot comprehend how you used to borrow their clothes.
10) You are a glutton and you hardly exercise.
If, like me, you have answered yes to most of these questions it’s probably time you did something about your weight.
Need help? Try this. And if that doesn’t work, stick with the cheat’s guide to looking slimmer. After you double-check your health here. Or, give this a shot. Oh sod it! Just hang out here for a while.
Please let me know if you come up with any bright ideas…
