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I lost 0,8 this week - even with my Saturday and it being a short week.
That’s 7,4 in total. 7,4 kg is a lot of weight. For many people it is all they have to lose to get to goal weight. It’s a lot of person; a whole dress size.
Now that I have lost that much people who know I am doing this but do not see me often ask if I am feeling/looking thinner; if my clothes are looser; if my face is thinner.
And I have to very honestly say I don’t know.
I have such a poor image of myself that I project onto the image of me I see in the mirror, that I have no idea what I actually look like. I look in the mirror and I see fat people. When I am fat I see fat people. When I am thin (and I have been – very) I see fat people
“But your clothes? Surely they are looser!”
I wish they were. But I hide inside floppy, baggy badly fitting clothes anyway. For too many years I have punished me for being large by not having clothes that looked good on me. So now everything is too big for me – but has always been. So again, I don’t know.
But I am trying very hard to change this opinion I have of me. I need to really start seeing me, with all my flaws and blessings, so that I can love the real me instead of hiding her under 30kg of fat.
***
If a person drank to fill a hole in their being
If a person went to a casino and gambled away their life savings because they were lonely
If a person shouted at their staff because it gave them a needed sense of power
If a person cut their skin and made themselves bleed and scar to deal with life’s challenges
If a person was dangerously promiscuous to feel valued
If a person did these things, that person would be seen as a having some kind of disorder, some kind of failing copying mechanism. And the person would be entitled to get help, in fact encourages to.
But when a person eats to fill the gap, eats to make themselves feel like they matter, eats because they are lonely or filled with self disgust, that person is seen as lazy and a pig. They are looked askance at when they load their plates, looked down upon by fellow shoppers when their trolley is filled with ‘feel good’ foods, and are blamed for their self destructive behaviour.
‘Eat properly.’ ‘Pick salad instead of pies.’ ‘Just don’t do it.’ ‘Lose weight.’ “Be active.’ These are the gems of advice over eaters get. Not the sympathy or understanding others with disorders seem entitled too.
I have an eating disorder. I have spent 30 years eating the wrong foods for the wrong reasons. Getting 30kg overweight is no mean feat – its takes some serious dedication and time.
I will always have an eating disorder – just like alcoholics will always be alcoholics. But just like dry alcoholics, who control their disorder, so I have to learn to control mine.
I do this with the strict rules of Weighless. I use words like ‘allowed’, ‘legal’ and ‘rules’ when thinking about my eating regime. I cannot just have one chocolate and stop, just like an alcoholic cannot have just one drink. My eating disorder can only be kept under control by the application of very stringent rules and regulations.
And I am okay with that. It will always be an issue for me, but not always one that controls my life.
Fat people do not want to be fat; it’s not fun. Some may think they deserve to be fat, but no one would pick to be fat.
A little compassion and understanding from others about why I over eat, why I harm myself in this way, goes a long way to helping me deal with and hopefully remove the issues I have previously dealt with my sticking my head in the fridge.
I cannot believe I am alone in feeling like this.
Kim blogged about, her amazing weight loss journey. Read her blog here or watch this space for next week's instalment.
That’s 7,4 in total. 7,4 kg is a lot of weight. For many people it is all they have to lose to get to goal weight. It’s a lot of person; a whole dress size.
Now that I have lost that much people who know I am doing this but do not see me often ask if I am feeling/looking thinner; if my clothes are looser; if my face is thinner.
And I have to very honestly say I don’t know.
I have such a poor image of myself that I project onto the image of me I see in the mirror, that I have no idea what I actually look like. I look in the mirror and I see fat people. When I am fat I see fat people. When I am thin (and I have been – very) I see fat people
“But your clothes? Surely they are looser!”
I wish they were. But I hide inside floppy, baggy badly fitting clothes anyway. For too many years I have punished me for being large by not having clothes that looked good on me. So now everything is too big for me – but has always been. So again, I don’t know.
But I am trying very hard to change this opinion I have of me. I need to really start seeing me, with all my flaws and blessings, so that I can love the real me instead of hiding her under 30kg of fat.
***
If a person drank to fill a hole in their being
If a person went to a casino and gambled away their life savings because they were lonely
If a person shouted at their staff because it gave them a needed sense of power
If a person cut their skin and made themselves bleed and scar to deal with life’s challenges
If a person was dangerously promiscuous to feel valued
If a person did these things, that person would be seen as a having some kind of disorder, some kind of failing copying mechanism. And the person would be entitled to get help, in fact encourages to.
But when a person eats to fill the gap, eats to make themselves feel like they matter, eats because they are lonely or filled with self disgust, that person is seen as lazy and a pig. They are looked askance at when they load their plates, looked down upon by fellow shoppers when their trolley is filled with ‘feel good’ foods, and are blamed for their self destructive behaviour.
‘Eat properly.’ ‘Pick salad instead of pies.’ ‘Just don’t do it.’ ‘Lose weight.’ “Be active.’ These are the gems of advice over eaters get. Not the sympathy or understanding others with disorders seem entitled too.
I have an eating disorder. I have spent 30 years eating the wrong foods for the wrong reasons. Getting 30kg overweight is no mean feat – its takes some serious dedication and time.
I will always have an eating disorder – just like alcoholics will always be alcoholics. But just like dry alcoholics, who control their disorder, so I have to learn to control mine.
I do this with the strict rules of Weighless. I use words like ‘allowed’, ‘legal’ and ‘rules’ when thinking about my eating regime. I cannot just have one chocolate and stop, just like an alcoholic cannot have just one drink. My eating disorder can only be kept under control by the application of very stringent rules and regulations.
And I am okay with that. It will always be an issue for me, but not always one that controls my life.
Fat people do not want to be fat; it’s not fun. Some may think they deserve to be fat, but no one would pick to be fat.
A little compassion and understanding from others about why I over eat, why I harm myself in this way, goes a long way to helping me deal with and hopefully remove the issues I have previously dealt with my sticking my head in the fridge.
I cannot believe I am alone in feeling like this.
Kim blogged about, her amazing weight loss journey. Read her blog here or watch this space for next week's instalment.
