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4 of the dumbest products for women

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As you might have noticed, I have a considerable issue with consumer culture. The amount of money we spend on items we don’t need is near criminal – especially if you think about all the other things that money could be used for.

Never mind the fact that most products available are either completely unnecessary, horribly non-durable, or manufactured by immoral companies that pollute the air and don’t pay taxes and employ small children who work in awful conditions. And then all of those products simply end up lying in landfills and spilling into our oceans…

To add insult to injury, most of these products – and I’m talking everything from anti-wrinkle cream to cellphone chargers, don’t even WORK properly. Or at all.

We know this, and yet we keep on buying the stuff. Why? Well mostly because marketing is so damn evil and works so damn well. We are constantly told how lacking we are, and how the right car or shoes or freaking casserole dish will make the emptiness inside us go away.

Can I get a LOL?

As women we are so used to this barrage of YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH that we often miss just how ludicrous it is.

I’m not saying men don’t have a bad time of it too – they do – but women, no matter where we turn, are constantly chastised, shamed, bullied, mocked and told over and over that our natural state of being, of looking, of ageing, of thinking, of simply existing, is faintly pathetic and frankly, repulsive.  

I know we can’t just stop buying into all of this crap completely. I acknowledge the fact that I need certain products (shampoo, tampons*, an iPod, a fridge) and that I love others (insanely effective mascara, those soft, fluffy blankets from Woolies) but where do we draw the line?

Right here. With the products below. This is were we draw the line.

•    Vaginal deodorant, labia dye, lightening cream, flavoured lubes and scented wipes.

A healthy vagina is not supposed to look like Barbie's nor is it supposed to smell like Island Breeze and taste like fresh mint. When washed (with warm water, mind) it should look and taste and smell exactly the way it does. Stop messing with it. Dorothy Black wrote an important new column about the way we think and talk about our genitals. Read it. You won’t regret it.

•    Pink tablets, tools, pens etc.

Eurostar brought out their ePad Femme, conveniently loaded with apps for women. No, not helpful apps like Shazam or something to track your period by. No, the types that help you do grocery shopping and lose weight. Yes friends. Shopping and weight loss apps. Because ja, that’s exactly what we need…

And don't forget that Bic hilariously brought out pink pens especially shaped for our dainty fingers, and which are, get this – lighter than normal pens. Yes. Someone actually thought that it would make our lives easier since we have such trouble holding average weight pens. I think Ellen summed up all our feelings about that.

•    Chicken fillets for women

A company brought out his and hers chicken fillets. “Huh?” you say? Well, his is spicy and hers is mild. Of course it is. Thanks guys. Thanks a lot.

    Most "facial training" products from Japan

Seriously. Here you can get anything from a Happy Smile Trainer  (a piece of plastic that you wedge in your pie-hole to artificially mould your face into a smile), to a nose tightening clip - you know, like Anne of Green Gables and Jo from Little Women used to wear. You can even get a mask that supposedly prevents chin-sag. Unfortunately this will also make you look positively Hannibal Lecterish. 

So what do you think? While it's understandably hard to navigate the sea of false advertising and the dearth of nonsensical products thrown at us, can we at least agree to boycott the above?

Until then I'll be eating mild chicken in my face bra.


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