You see, I’m not talking about the types of Americanised hoodlum parties that people normally see on DSTV consisting of half naked Beyoncé types shaking their booty.

Oh no bra, I am talking about the ghetto blasting, Papsak suiping, swirlkous yielding, Brenda Fassie listening types of shebang’s so prominent during December.

The thing about the Cape Flats style of partying is that anyone is welcome, provided you bring along a case of Black Label, braai vleis and a stolen licence plate – ha ha, only kidding. (Although, if you do have one lying around it will be a great offering for good tidings).

But, on a serious note, if your name is Lili Radloff, and you’re a white woman with a bountiful rack, you will most probably be mistaken for an undercover cop. (We learn to be suspicious of anyone from a young age).

So, to save yourself the trouble of witnessing a bunch of people scurrying towards their cars in such haste that they spill their beers, rather change your name to aunty Giga, cover up your natural blonde hair with a doekie and pretend you are the albino cousin visiting from Malmesbury.

And, if you think your accent might be a little suspicious, mask it by communicating with a mouth full of food.

Once that one weird uncle who in a drunken state flirts with anything that moves casts you a ‘come hither’ glance – you’re in!

Rule one: Eat on arrival.

Unless you plan on starving yourself, be sure to fill your stomach first. Because, even before the party starts, food is carried away and stored for the mense who could not make it. It doesn’t matter if it’s the braai vleis you contributed, you do NOT get between a coloured girl and a chop. Want meisie, jy sal pak kry.

Rule two: Be able to hold your liquor

Remember that you will not be offered ‘scotch on the rocks’ or a ‘Cosmopolitan’. You will be given whiskey, Namaqua, beers and non-alcoholic an-maak-juice.

Rule three: Behave yourself

Lili, whose clan name is now Giga, peeks thoughtfully at the people who accepted her pale skin for a genetic lack of pigmentation. She throws back Namaqua like a true professional after being trained by a guy named Ballas in the art of suiping. Feeling enlightened and even more intoxicated than she was at her sister’s 40th, she removes her shoes, revealing dirty heels and makes it to the dance floor to dance the Gangnam style with strangers who consider her family.

It’s quite fine to fully enjoy yourself at a yaat party, just remember to swear in general and not at someone in particular. Do not make sexual advances at someone you have decided looks like Shemar Moore because chances are he is probably married and you will get a beat down from the aforementioned Beyoncé type. Rather swirl your hips in tune to Psy and scream “Hos” occasionally onto the crowd.

Rule four: Leave before the police arrive

Yes, you read right, don’t risk getting raided by the police at the stroke of midnight because you are having so much fun. Rather leave gracefully, barefooted and totally hammered. Chances are, a neighbour complained about noise levels and you DO NOT want to stick around for a verbal fight between the authorities and drunkards.

Rule five: don’t drive drunk

Rather call a friend to come get you. Being safe is the most important of all the rules mentioned.

Click here for advice on partying with English speakers, Afrikaners and Indians.

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