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Wikipedia describes assertiveness as the quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive.
I envy those who can list assertiveness as an every-day trait. Some people make it look so simple. They can stand up for themselves and others without breaking into a cold sweat.
They can say no without the mental gymnastics of guilt. But what if “no” isn’t in your vocabulary and you find resentment building as your assertiveness button just cannot be located?
Due to my eager-to-please attitude I have found myself joining things simply because I didn’t realise saying no was an option. I’ve landed up on a committee (given up personal time to fulfil duties I didn’t choose to sign up for).
My husband and I ended up in a supper club which was extremely time-consuming (and for a while impossible to escape from). I’ve taken on projects simply because others couldn’t be bothered and I couldn’t find the words to decline. I’ve accepted invitations to things I couldn’t say no to and then wondered why my weekends vanished before my eyes.
The list goes on and the reward? There isn’t one. There is just frustration, resentment, anger and regret – emotions that are negative and draining.
When I put myself first I often find it is met with surprise from others because they are so used to me just nodding and saying yes.
And that makes me feel bad which begins the whole cycle of making other people happy because I feel guilt is a very draining emotion.
If someone is rude and unpleasant my instinct is to distance myself. I thought that this is acceptable (until I actually did it recently). The incredulous reaction received when I told this person that I have the right to distance myself from anyone who makes me uncomfortable was astounding.
Because years of being non-assertive towards this individual made them think their behaviour was normal (it wasn’t). People are amazed when a person who they expect to ‘go with the flow’ suddenly stands up to them.
They often don’t know how to react and then sometimes blame the person who has suddenly found their voice.
Life is about choices and being assertive is one of the choices I really want to make in the future. But it takes practice.
Do you receive the respect and generosity you are constantly giving? Do you sell yourself short simply because saying no is too much of an effort? I suggest taking small steps and taking it from there.
And expect surprise (I’m putting that mildly) when you first do it. If you’ve been an easy target for saying yes for years, people get used to it and expect it to continue. Don’t be afraid to put yourself first though. You are worth it!
I left the committee eventually and escaped the supper club which was a massive relief. I realised that I wasn’t prepared to sacrifice one Friday evening a month with a couple my husband and I don’t enjoy spending time with.
The reason I felt I couldn’t say no initially was because I didn’t want to “rock the boat”.
Again, I was more worried over someone else’s reaction instead of my choice. I was putting someone else’s feelings before my own.
I found it got easier dealing with a particular person who refused to listen to my polite excuses and hints. When she tried to meet up and interrupt a long awaited getaway I’d planned with my husband I put my foot down.
I made an unashamed excuse and that seemed to work. Unfortunately there are times when being nice just doesn’t get ones point across.
It is my right to choose to spend time with those who treat me well and who give as well as take and this goes for all the people in my life. Respect isn’t a one-way street – that goes for those who are assertive and those of us who are still learning to get there.
Day by day (and one polite “no thank you” at a time).
Tea Addict is W24 reader and regular contributor. Interesting in sharing or having your voice heard on W24? Send an e-mail to Chatback@w24.co.za and your story could be published.
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