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Whenever I have conversations with other women, one of the topics that always pops up is the subject of hypothetical weddings and marriage.
The biggest question that usually stems from this debate is whether or not we’d quit our jobs if our husbands asked us to.
Despite always responding with an unsure, “No, I wouldn’t,” I’ve found myself feeling a lot more convinced after a conversation in which my flatmate revealed that she wouldn’t work when she got married as her boyfriend and potential future husband would prefer that she didn’t.
Patriarchy shouldn’t dictate the roles we choose
I have realised that many discussions about marriage revolve mainly around gender roles, about the man as a provider and the woman as a homemaker. The concept of a woman quitting her job because her husband told her to or asked her to is a prime example of this.
Because of this, I believe people tend to be so caught up and centered on archaic gender roles that they fail to see their partner’s character and personality.
I believe that a man who would dare to suggest that I quit my job would be one that fails to see me beyond the roles that the patriarchy has defined.
Not only would he fail to see my brilliant mind and big heart, but he’d also be denying me the opportunity to use my intellect to grow in terms of my career.
Most of all, he’d fail to see that just as he has desires and dreams that he would like to fulfill and bring to life, so too do I. And just as his job can help him attain those dreams and desires, so too can mine.
Read more: 5 things you experience when trying to find love as a career woman
Why should I sacrifice my dreams for his ideals?
There are many viewpoints about what marriage is, but one popular thought is that it is considered to be merging the lives of two people together in order to create one life.
To be honest I don’t think that quitting my job for my husband while he continues to work is a symbol of how my life and my husband’s lives are merging.
Rather I see it as one in which I’m dying so that he can live his life without him making any concessions of his own.
But why should this be the case? I know that there is this expectation for women to give up so much of themselves when they are in a marriage in order for the marriage to succeed, but is it so impossible to believe I can still have my job and a prosperous marriage?
Is it impossible for him to support me in my job, just as I support him?
I worked hard to get where I am
As a current honours student, the thought of studying this far only for me to end up not working and becoming a stay-at-home wife just doesn’t sit well with me. I have invested so much time and effort into my education.
I have endured so much for my academic advancement and have spent hours trying to come up with amazing and thought-provoking ideas for assignments.
Not only that, but I have experienced and overcome so much anxiety regarding my studies and have often found myself crying in the bathroom because of my academic results.
As a black girl from a township, I was blessed enough to have parents who saw the importance of obtaining and investing in a good education.
My parents cared so much about me and my siblings’ education that they sacrificed many of their desires to provide us with the best education in terms of the schools and universities they sent us to.
For any man to dismiss my brutal yet triumphant academic experiences and for any man to ignore all that my parents have done and continue to do for my education, is blatantly disrespecting both me and my parents.
A man like this is one who chooses to disregard me and my parent’s life stories all in a quest for him to have a wife he can rule over.
Some of my friends have said that if their hypothetical husband makes enough money for them to not work, they would agree to quit their jobs. As for me, I am set on my decision to never quit my job for any man, no matter the reason.
