Publications
Partners
There is something refreshing about the new year. It's time to start over on a clean slate with hope, excitement and renewed energy. Also, time, experiences and people are some of the biggest teachers who guide or remind us of our worth.
The older we get, the more we realise how precious and short life is and how crucial it is not to waste it on trivial things or people who drain us.
Teboho Mofokeng from Benoni, on the East Rand, says she knows all this well. She tells City Press that she has been happier since she decided to cut ties with certain people.
READ: What a break-up does to your psyche
“For a long time, I have had low self-esteem. I would measure my worth based on ‘fixing’ or helping other people, sometimes at the expense of my own happiness and even finances," she says.
"However, I remember being so depressed when the same people I was there for didn’t even spare me their time or support me when I needed them the most after my mother fell sick last year. It took that and other things to realise some of the company I was keeping, including my ex, were toxic for me.”
READ: Dashiki | Case of the ex: why keep in touch?
In addition to other changes this new year, make sure you delete these people:
The narcissistic ghost rider:
If there’s someone in your life, whether a friend or partner, who only makes time for you when it suits them, it’s time to delete those numbers. According to MedicineNet, a healthcare media publishing company:
It often happens when someone special in your life stops responding to your calls or texts. This, according to the medical journal, happens across all social circumstances. Ghosting can leave someone devastated, wondering what went wrong.
READ: A creative journey, mental health and a toxic relationship
However, it’s a common trend that has trickled into relationships, especially with the popularity of the internet and dating apps, which make it easier for people to be socially accountable.
If you find yourself on the receiving end of an on-and-off relationship, make it easier for the ghost rider by cutting all contact with them.
READ: Are you experiencing gaslighting at work, or is it just your imagination? Here's how to tell
The abusive boyfriend who leeches off you:
Mofokeng shares that it took her three years to realise that her previous relationship was going nowhere.
“Basically, the wheels were not even there. The bus was going nowhere. Although there were red flags in the beginning, my ex and I were in a good space - or so I thought - because I was too invested in not being single. However, things took a strange turn a few months into the relationship when he started borrowing money from me and not returning it.
READ: 'I was abused by almost all of the men I dated' - says survivor
"He always had weird reasons for being broke to a point where it depleted me financially and at some point, messed up my credit score. He also became controlling, entitled and emotionally abusive.
When he started talking about wanting to send his uncles to my family to pay lobola, I was quite depressed because I saw myself being miserable with him. I didn’t see myself as his makoti (wife) at all. I took the brave step of walking away and I couldn’t be happier at this point in my life.”
READ: Umjolo 101 | How your attachment style affects your love life
The jealous friend:
“I actually should write a book about this,” jokes Mofokeng, who also shares her experience of dealing with a jealous friend. "I had a friend from church with whom I would job-hunt. We’d go to career expos and pray together for jobs. She was lucky to get a permanent job first.
"I was very happy for her that finally one of us was making a living. It took me more than a year to finally get a jo and when I did, the reaction I got from her was different from what I expected.
"She stopped talking to me and distanced herself from me. Mind you, she even gossiped about me and revealed personal things I had shared with her.
To this day, I’m her sworn enemy. I don’t know what I did apart from being blessed with a career and being in a better space in life. I saw from her how real jealousy is, the fact that our friendship was cemented by being at my lowest point shocked me. I am glad she quickly revealed her true colours, which made deleting her from my life very easy.”
The toxic family member:
Experts’ guide to let go
Letting go of the people and situations you hold dear in your heart is difficult. It’s also just as hard to let go of the painful experiences inflicted by the people you once trusted. However, it’s one of the ways to heal and move on in your life.
US clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula advises that you can let go and move on with your life by creating physical or psychological distance between you and the person or situation that triggers the negative emotions and memories.
Mofokeng says she has learnt to let go by focusing on the present moment and being grateful for things and people who love her. She adds:
Don’t block negative feelings
Sometimes, people are afraid of feeling sadness, disappointment or even negative thoughts. However, Durvasula advises that it’s important to allow yourself to feel every emotion during the healing process because blocking bad feelings will impede instead of helping you reach your healing journey.
It’s also important to understand that most of the people you are letting go of have internal issues that they are projecting onto you. And if they see nothing wrong with that, it’s unlikely that you will get any apology from them. So move on with that in mind.
Make use of experts
If you are struggling to forgive yourself and move on, seek professional help. Therapists and psychologists are best trained to guide you through every step of your healing journey.
Additional information: healthline.com
