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- A viral TikTok video has coined yet another new dating term – "penny dating".
- This is when someone showers you with attention at the start of a new relationship but gradually and deliberately reduces their efforts over time.
- For more lifestyle news, go to the News24 Life front page.
A viral TikTok video has coined yet another new dating term – "penny dating", a rather toxic and manipulative move where "over time, a person strategically reduces how much they invest in you and the relationship to the point that they need only to offer only 'pennies' to maintain your interest".
The term went viral around the same time that South African YouTuber Mihlali Ndamase told her followers that she had broken up with her controversial boyfriend, Leeroy Sidambe.
She also tagged a friend of his, demanding that this friend ask Sidambe to pay her back the money she spent on him during a 2023 birthday trip to Mexico.
This turn of events raised questions about the financial dynamic of their relationship, as many had assumed that the presumably wealthy businessman was doing the financial heavy lifting in the relationship.
The influencer's followers were also confused because she had spent their relationship hailing his romantic efforts towards her.
Recruitment budget vs operational costs ?? https://t.co/tU1RKYxYzt
— I K A (@Ikagengmo) December 28, 2023
TikTok creator Erika Tham described penny dating as showering someone with attention at the start of a new relationship and then gradually and deliberately reducing your efforts over time.
Tham, who learnt about this from an unnamed male friend, said this usually creates a situation in which someone is prepared to settle for less without realising it.
She illustrated her point using a piggy bank as a metaphor, inspiring the name "penny dating".
"Imagine a girl is a piggy bank. In order to get her interested, obviously, at first you have to be feeding her hundred-dollar bills. But putting in hundred-dollar bills is a lot of work, and you don't always want to be doing that. So, eventually, you reduce it to $90. Now, she's going to feel the decrease in effort but it's only 10%, so if she tries to bring it up she's going to sound crazy at this point," begins Tham.
READ MORE | You need to know these 6 new dating terms and the manipulative tactics they expose
"And here's where it gets sick. The next thing you do is move it back up to $95. Now, instead of feeling like she lost $5 ... suddenly she feels like she's gained $5. But you are still putting in 5% less effort. Basically, you just keep repeating this cycle and weaning her off your effort until you get to the point where you're giving her pennies and suddenly she's excited to receive a nickel."
@erikatham you learn something new everyday ?????? #lovebombing #dating #boymath ? original sound - erikatham
By early January, the video had more than 7 million views and 1.2 million likes, with over 9 000 comments of people sharing their thoughts, mostly agreeing with what Tham said.
"I'm a victim of the penny method, but it was a girl that did it," one user commented.
"My honourable sisters, this is narcissism," said another.
Countless others said they believed the term was just a new word for pre-existing concepts such as love-bombing.
According to psychologist Dr Nicole LePera, love-bombing is a common form of emotional abuse that goes unrecognised.
- The relationship feels like it's moving too quickly;
- Their love comes with conditions;
- They demand excessive attention;
- They are highly critical; and
- They don't understand or respect boundaries.
However, not all of Tham's followers agreed with her, with many highlighting how effort is not quantifiable and that the amount of effort put in by either party naturally varies over time.
