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Twenty-one-year-old adoptee Maleteka (Teka) Haakonsen was in preschool when she started asking questions about her identity.
In her immediate circle, she and her younger sister, Lineo, were the only black children with white parents that they knew, and other kids were starting to ask questions that Teka did not have the answers to.
"That's when I first started speaking with my mom about my life story and asking her questions about my adoption," she tells News24.
Born in Lesotho in 2001, Teka was one of thousands of babies who was presumed orphaned or abandoned at the height of the HIV/AIDS epidemic in Southern Africa.
Little chance of survival
Though she was reportedly born at home, Teka spent her first seven months fighting for her life at the old Queen Elizabeth II Hospital in Maseru.
Teka's mother had died shortly after giving birth and, about a month later, her father, a nurse, also passed away. Both parents had worked at Queen Elizabeth II and both had died of HIV-related illnesses.
Born premature at just 1.2kg, Teka was so ill that she'd been given little chance of survival.
But she fought back and, once strong enough to be discharged, she was taken in by Ray and Sue Haakonsen as the first of seven babies housed by the then newly founded Beautiful Gate Lesotho, a home for abandoned and vulnerable children, most of whom are affected by HIV/AIDS.
Teka lived at Beautiful Gate for three years before the Haakonsens formally adopted her and Lineo, who is two years younger than Teka.
'There is no need to point out that your child is adopted'
Up until last year, this was all Maleteka knew about her start to life. And, when faced with prying questions from curious classmates about the colour of her skin (and why it differed from the rest of her family), Teka was told to tell her friends that she and her sister were their parents' "adopted little girls".
However – though she was four, five, or six years old at the time – does Maleteka think she could have been armed with a better response? In short, yes.
While very forgiving of her adoptive parents – who did the best they could with the information that was available to them at the time – Teka admits that being constantly referred to by a parent or another relative as an "adopted child" is hurtful for any adoptee.
Teka and Lineo have three older siblings – Ray and Sue's biological children – and Teka says being referred to as the couple's "adopted" children made her feel like she was not a part of their family.
"There is no need to point out the obvious that your child is adopted. Whether it's a cross-cultural adoption or a same-race adoption, that's your child. You have chosen to be their parent, so there's no need to refer to them as your 'adopted' child.
Just say 'this is my daughter' or 'this is my son'," she explains. Teka adds that being included and a part of something bigger was important to her.
However, constantly being referred to as her parents' 'adopted' child felt exclusionary and was, ultimately, damaging and traumatic for her.
'I heard my story through them telling it to other people'
The young adult tells News24 that – much to her parents' regret – her adoption story was never part of the family's narrative when she was young.
"I would hear my story through them telling it to other people. At the time, they didn't realise that they should've sat down with me personally."
Two decades ago, Ray and Sue hadn't received the psychosocial education now available to adoptive parents and hadn't yet learnt about life story work, or the importance of including their child's adoption story into the family narrative.
"Growing up I had a lot of questions, and it was only when I asked those questions that my parents began to answer them, thought they didn't have all the information I needed."
'For ten years my mom sat on that information'
When Teka began questioning her identity, Ray and Sue knew little more than the fact that her biological parents had passed away from an HIV/AIDS-related illness.
However, just before the Haakonsens left Lesotho for Cape Town in 2011, Sue had reportedly received word from the social worker at Beautiful Gate to say that members from Maleteka's biological family had reached out to the home, hoping to get in touch with her.
"For ten years my mom sat on that information, but she didn't know how to address the situation at all. It was only after my 20th birthday that she told me about my half siblings. I was shocked, of course. And I had more questions that she didn't have the answers to," she says.
The discussion between Teka and her mother was mediated by a senior social worker from family-focused non-profit Arise, who has also assisted the Haakonsens with additional counselling.
Meanwhile, Teka's biological family had also run short of answers. With the high abandonment rate in Lesotho, most of their questions about what happened to their relative were left unanswered by a social development department inundated with countless similar cases.
"It's something that I never thought would actually happen, but my family had been looking for me for 20 years. They knew I was adopted and that I had been at Beautiful Gate. They also knew that I had left Lesotho, but they didn't quite know where I was or where to start looking," she says.
Also read: Adoption as a solution to infertility is 'viewed with suspicion' in some families
'She is my mom and nothing or nobody will change that'
Two decades after her parents' passing, Maleteka found her biological family. In June 2021, she journeyed with her mom, Sue, to meet them.
"It was a beautiful and wonderful experience," she testifies.
"I have a biological sister who is three years older than me, and a whole family who we didn't know about, including family elders, my mother's youngest brother and lots and lots of cousins," she laughs.
Prior to the meeting, the young adult had struggled with her identity and questioned her place in the world.
"Getting to know my family has filled a hole. I feel extremely happy, and like a know who I am now," says Teka.
In terms of how the meeting impacted the adoptee's relationship with adoptive parents Ray and Sue, Teka says her dad was "very happy for her" but admits that the situation was challenging for her mom.
"As much as she was supportive and happy for me, she was also scared. What if this family takes me away from her? Or what if, somehow, we're not as connected anymore? It was very hard for her," she says.
But when Sue expressed these fears to Teka, her daughter reassured her that she did not need to worry. "She is my mom and nothing or nobody will change that."
A full-circle moment
Maleteka has since been back to Lesotho to meet the rest of her family. She has also spent the last six months volunteering at Beautiful Gate Lesotho, coming full circle to where her adoption journey first began.
The young adult tells News24 that she had been wanting to give back in her own way and, on the day that we first chatted with her, she received her acceptance letter from the home.
Teka is now six months into her year of paying it forward and, while she admits that the job has been tough and overwhelming at times, she says it feels great to be back home and to be back at Beautiful Gate, this time as a volunteer.
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