Help! My child is too confident

• Every parent dreams of having a confident child who will be able to navigate life bravely.
• However, while this is intended for good, children can become overly confident and borderline egotistic.
• Here are the signs you should look out for, what to do to break the cycle and teach your child healthy confidence.

Boosting your child's self-esteem is the golden rule of modern-day parenting - and for good reason, they do better at school, have realistic expectations, are generally optimistic and enjoy life more than those with low self-esteem.

They have an easier time handling conflict, dealing with disappointments, making friends, and resisting negative peer-group pressure.

But has well-intentioned, self-esteem boosting crossed over into unrelenting ego-bolstering? Are we raising overconfident kids who are out of sync with the challenges of the real world?

Here, we discuss what every parent needs to know about overconfident children and the changes you need to make to bring your kids back down to earth.

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Overconfidence: the signs

Your child thinks they are pretty good, not a problem. They think they are superior, look out, warn the experts.

"At its extreme, overconfident kids display narcissistic tendencies," says Professor Jean Twenge, author of Generation Me.

Studies show that these kids have an inflated sense of self, lack humility and empathy, are vain and materialistic, and have a puffed-up sense of entitlement.

"In the playground, they are more inclined to display anti-social behaviour such as bullying, being overly aggressive, controlling and dismissive of others," says child psychologist Catherine Boland. "They have a diminished radar on how they come across and how their self-centredness affects others."

The impact

Beyond being the life of the party, overconfidence can be detrimental to your child's wellbeing.

A recent study conducted at the University of Buffalo Graduate School of Education showed a clear connection between overconfident students and low reading comprehension - an essential component of learning.

"Over-confident kids don't assess their strengths and weaknesses accurately," says the study's author, Professor Ming Ming Chiu.

For example, over-confident children will choose to read a difficult book, such as The Lord of the Rings, and stop reading after a few pages.

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In contrast, self-aware students are more likely to choose an easier book, such as Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. They will finish it, continue reading more books and in the process develop their comprehension and learning skills.

Overconfident teens, on the other hand, are more likely to describe themselves as "A" students when, in reality, they're not and are more likely to drop out of school because they think they're already smart enough and don't have to study, says Twenge.

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These teens also don't do well in relationships.

A recent study conducted at the San Diego State University found overconfident college students with narcissistic tendencies were more likely to experience a breakdown of their close relationships, had more short-lived relationships, were lacking in emotional warmth, exhibited game-playing and were dishonest and over-controlling.

And, according to Boland, they don't do well in the workplace, because they lack essential employee skills such as being able to delay gratification, take criticism and empathise with others.

Overconfident kids are setting wildly unrealistic goals for themselves, which often amount to nothing more than delusional thinking and can result in major disappointment.

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Breaking the overconfidence cycle

"Teaching your child to empathise is the cornerstone of reversing overconfidence and raising a grounded and self-assured child," says Boland.

It's important your child knows how to identify and understand the feelings of others and how to tune into the emotional world of someone else.

Children who are comfortable with "It's not all about me" become adults who experience more successful, integrated relationships in the community, at work and in their personal lives.

"Start by encouraging your child to see the world through someone else's eyes," suggests Boland.

It's something you can do daily and it's fun. For example, the next time you're queuing up to buy an ice-cream, ask your kids what the person serving behind the counter might see. Ask what she or he might feel when people are impatient and rude?

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"Another essential component in breaking the overconfidence cycle is to stop telling your kids they're 'really special'," advises Twenge.

Kids are already egocentric enough. And while you're at it, avoid non-specific, exaggerated praise. For example, if your child's mark on a maths exam was mediocre, don't exaggerate and tell them it's incredible.

Your child knows when they have given an average performance, and if you keep praising them they will think mediocrity is worthy of praise and doing "nothing much" deserves a gold star. It creates a distorted sense of entitlement and a child who is out of touch with the rest of the world.

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What is reality-based confidence?

"A confident child has a strong sense of self-efficacy," says Boland. "They feel competent and believe they have the requisite resources to give something a go."

It's a concept they learn from the cradle. For example, as toddlers taking their first steps, they try, fail, try again, fail again and then finally succeed.

Whether they're learning to read or tie their shoelaces, every time your child experiences competency, their confidence increases, and they develop a healthy "can-do" attitude based on a positive experience.

Your child develops confidence, not because you tell her she's special, but because she feels competent about her ability.

BUILDING HEALTHY CONFIDENCE

The dos and don'ts

DO SET LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES FOR YOUR CHILDREN 

Many parents today feel guilty about working long hours, a contentious divorce and/or bitter custody battle and so give into their child's every whim by way of compensation. But ask yourself whether you would rather be liked or raise a responsible child who doesn't expect everything to be handed to her.

DON'T FIGHT YOUR CHILD'S BATTLES 

"Let your child have some failure experiences and focus on helping your child develop skills to cope," suggests Boland.

For example, if your child failed an assignment, avoid disparaging the teacher with something like, "Your teacher is hopeless. I'll speak to the school about it and get your project noticed."

Instead, teach your child a valuable life skill by encouraging him to use failure and feedback as an opportunity to learn.

Ask your child, "What were your teacher's comments? Do you think your teacher's feedback is valid? Are the comments something you can use for your next assignment?"

Your child develops a healthy self-confidence based on his ability to accept feedback without taking it personally, and to solve problems and deal with challenging situations.

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DO DEAL WITH AN OVERCONFIDENT ATTITUDE 

Help your child deal with inflated self-beliefs by listening out for statements indicating your child feels superior, lacks empathy or feels entitled.

They're often vague, wildly unrealistic goals like, 'I'm so incredible. I'm going to be rich. Famous. A rock star." Don't let them go unchallenged. Try, "To be a rich and famous rock star requires a lot of hard work, sacrifice and discipline. Are you cut out for that? Do you have a plan? "

Get your child to be a quiet achiever whose actions speak louder than his/her words.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE PEER EVALUATION 

Your child can use his classmates as a measuring stick to evaluate his strengths and weaknesses.

Encouraging your child to ask simple questions such as, "Am I understanding the book as well as my classmates are?" can help him to self-assess and it enables him to set realistic and achievable goals to ignite a positive cycle of high motivation, healthy confidence and achievement.

DO PRAISE YOUR CHILD BUT MAKE IT SPECIFIC AND HONEST 

Focus on rewarding the process instead of the end result. For example, say "You didn't get 10 out of 10 for your assignment, but I did notice how much effort you put into your project. Well done. I'm proud of you."