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- Dr Portia Monnapula-Mazabane shares that various factors contribute to siblings not having the same family experiences.
- Siblings can consciously decide about their relationship and how they wish to cultivate their bond.
- "Should the siblings wish to start this journey, there are several options, such as forgiveness, not only of others but of self."
Have you ever wondered why siblings can grow up in the same family and turn out differently? Their treatment, either by one or both parents, can be different.
Clinical psychologist Dr Portia Monnapula-Mazabane shares that this is a broad subject and that various factors contribute. These differences can cause a rift between siblings or resentment throughout their adult life.
"Mom loves you more than she loves me" and "You are the favourite child" are words that may be uttered by a sibling that has not had the greatest experience (in relation to what they believe their sibling has had) while growing up.
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Jeanine Vivona, a professor of psychology at the College of New Jersey, told The New York Times, "Competition with siblings is just a fact of life. And we, as people with siblings and people with children, can just try to manage it as best we can."
Jeanine shared that sibling rivalry serves a developmental purpose, and it helps children figure out what is unique and special about themselves, otherwise known as "differentiation."
Children want to be seen as the most special by their parents, so they're "always going to push for preferential treatment" over their siblings.
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These feelings fester and may make it difficult for siblings to get along. Dr Monnapula-Mazabane believes the differences can be acknowledged and used as an opportunity for healing and growth.
"Siblings can make a conscious decision about their relationship and how they wish to cultivate their bond irrespective of their environment. Through fights, laughter, and cries, irreplaceable memories and experiences are built. Irrespective of good or bad memories, the bond is still strong," she says.
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Here are 5 reasons why siblings may grow up in the same family but have opposite experiences:
1. Hereditary or genetic factors: each child is different. This may result from genetic variation (i.e. each child inherits a random sample of DNA from each parent).
2. Each child has a distinct personality, bringing out a different version of their parent(s) by relating differently. One of the siblings may grow up alone for some time, while the other has never been without a sibling.
3. Different phases to parenting: Parent(s) may have adopted different parenting skills as they grew older. As a result of siblings' differences in personality and physicality, they may experience other external pressures and may be treated differently in the household.
4. There may be changes within their psycho-social environment (i.e. neighbourhood, income, or school) and, as a result, impacting their experiences and perception.
5. How siblings subjectively experience abuse, neglect, trauma, and chaos in their childhood can be informed by a complex medley of variables, all contributing to the possibility of having wildly different experiences from one another.
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She says that healing between siblings can begin by consciously deciding to do so through courage and much-needed support. Dr Monnapula-Mazabane says, "Should the siblings wish to start this journey, there are several options, such as forgiveness, not only of others but of self. They acknowledge that the relationship has faced challenges and dare to work through them."
She adds that considering therapy may be one of the options as there are family therapists who specialise in these family dynamics. These therapy sessions are curated to help adults heal resentments and work through wounds and past traumas.
Additional source: The New York Times
