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- Dr Portia Monnapula-Mazabane says the development of a child's needs and personality can affect how they relate to each other.
- A parent needs to play the role of a mediator or coach and intervene if things seem to get out of hand.
- For many siblings, the fighting fades as they become adults.
For some families, sibling rivalry is not as intense as in others. While some might fight about who took whose dress, others can't stand being in the same room with each other because the pain and resentment runs deep.
As the holiday season is upon us, there are siblings who do not wish to see each other or dread being in the same house.
"I hate her" might even be how they express themselves about each other.
Psychologist Dr Portia Monnapula-Mazabane says sibling rivalry is animosity among siblings that can develop, whether blood-related or not. The development of a child's needs and personality can affect how they relate to each other.
However, there are many more reasons for rivalry as there is no linear reason for it.
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One of the reasons may be that "parents openly favour one child over another, comparing your children to one another, setting up your children in competition with one another. Or a parenting style, being a controlling parent versus a mediator or coach between your children, implicates their ability to settle their differences in your absence".
She says it is essential to understand that there is a healthy level of bickering among siblings.
"This often occurs in childhood when a child seeks their own identity, which is normal. For many siblings, the fighting fades as they become adults. As a child develops and come of age, their focus shifts, and they soon realise the importance of a sibling."
Three ways parents can eliminate sibling rivalry, according to Dr Monnapula-Mazabane:
- Focus on your children's individuality and embrace their strengths and weaknesses without comparing them to their siblings or others;
- Avoid labelling your children, such as the "difficult ones'; and
- Provide affection and individual quality time on an equal basis.
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When siblings don't get along, what is the parent's role?
In some families, parents are blamed for it.
Dr Monnapula-Mazabane says parents should be modelling problem-solving and social skills. Modelling how you address any conflict without it escalating will help your children understand it.
"Ignoring fights between siblings, and treating the event as extremely common and ordinary, may come across as a parent not caring and invalidating.
"A parent needs to play the role of a mediator or coach and intervene if things seem to get out of hand. At a younger age, children may need assistance with understanding their emotions and learning healthy ways of expressing them," she adds
Unfortunately, some families are divided and unable to heal from the animosity and tension.
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"The effects of child rivalry can be both immediate and long-term. Sibling rivalries could lead to several mental health challenges, such as anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. An adult who has not resolved a feud with their siblings may often judge other people based on the rivalries they carry from their past. They may not understand how to fix or prevent conflicts throughout their life."
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She adds that, as siblings grow older, there is a possibility that the fights become more intense, and this may lead to the development of mutual hate towards each other rather than a close and supportive relationship.
Parents tend to experience stress seeing their children fight one another each day. If parents do not address sibling rivalry correctly, it can develop into a problematic sibling relationship in adulthood."
