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Live by Design is a weekly News24 column by Dr Helena Dolny and Mapi Mhlangu on mortality and the conversations around it.
I recently attended a funeral where mourners spoke in hush tones about the deceased’s end-of-life choices. The older sister commented that this was the first time in the family's history that someone would be cremated, listing the entire generational lineage. Her displeasure wasn’t hard to miss as she delivered her brother’s eulogy.
Noting the sister’s overall tone, mourners began whispering about what might be at play. It turned out that the deceased, in his late 50s, only shared these end-of-life wishes with his wife of 18 months and did not have a conversation with his mother and siblings, leading to not-so-behind-the-scenes tensions. What followed were murmurings about the poor widow dealing with the wrath of a family kept in the dark by their beloved son.
The widow had difficulty fulfilling her husband’s end-of-life wishes due to the lack of meaningful conversations between him and his family. It’s concerning to think what would have happened if he had died from a mysterious illness or hijacking.
What conversations do you need with your loved ones about what is important to you and your end-of-life choices? Have you nominated a guardian for your young children, or are you leaving it to the state to decide for you?
Knowing what we know about our mortality, is there a right time to have such conversations? What if everyone who needs to know about your wishes does not wake up tomorrow or make it to your Easter destination?
Easter is a Christian holiday, marking the resurrection of Jesus Christ three days after his crucifixion. However, this is generally a special spiritual time for many religious followers of various faiths. This week those of Jewish faith celebrated Pesach recalling their liberation from slavery. Ramadan is underway- a month of spiritual rejuvenation. The world over families are travelling to gather on holy feast days and many personal conversations will unfold alongside the rituals.
It’s a time when people are eager to know about your personal growth in all aspects of life. At the same time, parents, uncles, and aunts express concern about your marital status, and some ask about your children or lack thereof. Often the conversation is empowering, personal, intimate, and sometimes uncomfortable. But what happens when conversations about living meet questions about dying.
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As Easter approaches, we can encourage our friends and family to turn conversations about living into discussions about end-of-life wishes. It may seem daunting, but this can be a valuable opportunity to touch on complex, often avoided topics. By having these conversations, we can ensure that everyone’s needs and preferences are considered, and it can be a gift of love and peace to our loved ones.
It is critical to approach these conversations with sensitivity and compassion as they can often bring up strong emotions in everyone involved. The deceased gentleman’s family would undoubtedly raise questions about his decision, but they would have been in a better position even if they disagreed with him.
Starting a conversation about end-of-life wishes can be challenging, but one way to begin is by asking family members if they have thought about their end-of-life wishes and if they would be willing to share them with the rest of the family. This can be a great way to open a conversation and ensure everyone feels comfortable sharing his or her thoughts and feelings.
It’s critical to make your choices known in an empowering manner, and one way to do this is by sharing stories that your loved ones are familiar with. If you are young and healthy, you can cite recent events such as car accidents or the Covid-19 pandemic to remind everyone that people of all ages and health conditions can pass away unexpectedly.
It’s essential to avoid being judgmental when discussing end-of-life wishes with family members. It’s important to understand that everyone has a unique perspective on this topic, and there is no right or wrong way to approach these conversations.
It’s important to respect everyone’s wishes and preferences when discussing end-of-life decisions with family members, as these can vary widely from person to person. If this is your first conversation with your family about this subject, it’s essential to know that some people prefer to speak of their wishes in general terms. Avoid pushing for details at this stage, as there will be more opportunities for conversation in the future.
The ultimate goal of conversing about end-of-life wishes with family members is to ensure everyone’s wishes are known and respected. It’s crucial to ensure that their final days are spent in a way that aligns with their values and beliefs. By having these end-of-life conversations, we can ensure that our loved ones are cared for in a way that reflects their wishes and preferences and that their needs are met with dignity and respect.
According to The Conversation Project, a US-based public engagement initiative, 92% of Americans believe discussing their end-of-life issues is critical, but only 32% have had such a conversation. On this long weekend, I encourage you to have life-affirming conversations with your loved ones about your end-of-life choices.
Before Forever After: When Conversations about Living meet Questions about Dying by Helena Dolny.
Disclaimer: News24 encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24.
