Landisa | Why I started running ultra marathons when my father died by suicide

At first, I was running away from the pain: the suffocating rage. But eventually, running became a coping mechanism which to this day has become my sacred space where I get to heal, clear my head, but most of all - where I get to conquer, writes Zanele Hlatshwayo. 

There are a number of valuable lessons that I have learned through running: it will be tough to run even when it hurt and when your body is aching.

And discipline: the training, mental readiness and the testing of your entire being becomes part of every training session and every race, but the glory of crossing the finish line surpasses all of that.

Going through all those challenges propels you to be a better human because pain doesn't scare you anymore, you embrace it with each step you take.

These lessons were not easy lessons to learn during the trials I had to face in my life. One such moment was when I had to deal with the tragic passing of my father. My father, my hero, was a man who was there for me every step of the way: he never missed a parents meeting, prize giving or any graduation ceremony. He taught me that I can be whoever I want to be and all my goals are possible. 

He never missed an opportunity to encourage me, taught me how to drive, and he even use to take me to the salon to get my hair done. Do you understand why I say he was my hero? He was always there until that one fateful morning, the morning that changed my life forever: the day my dad took his life.

I didn’t understand why he had to leave me. I was angry, broken and ashamed that the strongest man I've ever known took his life. I asked myself what was he thinking?

Did he think about his family? Me? Did he think about my younger siblings? I asked myself who will be there for me when I graduate the following year, he won’t be there to advise me on my first car, or my first home. He was gone and I would never be able to see him again.

The pain of losing a part of me was too unbearable and when I look back I still wonder how I survived it all. I had to find a way of dealing with the pain and that's when I started running.

At first, I was running away from the pain: the suffocating rage. But eventually, running became a coping mechanism which to this day has become my sacred space where I get to heal, clear my head, but most of all where I get to conquer.

In South Africa, 23 people die by suicide daily - mostly men.

And teen suicide is on the rise. It is for these reasons that I have decided to rise in raising funds and awareness about depression and suicide: silent killers that are scourging our beautiful country.

I want to drive a message of hope, to inform those who are going through similar situations that there is hope: they are not alone and they too can rise. 

Let's rise in helping the suppressed who feel alone, let's rise by demystifying depression and suicide, let us rise by lending a helping hand to those who need it.

“When you stay in your purpose and refuse to be discouraged by fear, you align with the infinite self, in which all possibilities exist.” - Dr Wayne Dyer

- This essay was published in partnership with the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG).