- A relationship expert says the first thing you have to come to terms with is the societal backlash.
- She adds that before you proceed, be sure your friend and their ex have had enough time to get over each other.
- Be ready for the fallout. If the guy is supportive, it makes it easier for you.
- If you decide to ago against it, allow yourself to grieve the loss of the potential relationship and 'what could have been'.
According to society’s rules, dating your friend’s ex is seen as something wrong, but life happens, and in the case of *Tshepiso Nkosi, from Soweto, she developed feelings for her friend’s ex way after they had broken up.
“I didn’t have feelings for him while he was dating my friend, or even after the breakup. It was months later when we started talking on WhatsApp that we both started to develop feelings for each other.”
Tshepiso says their relationship is now stronger since they started dating in 2018.
“Currently, we are doing very well, and yes, we have challenges like all couples do, but the love we have for each other keeps us strong.”
Society’s backlash and judgements
Fezy Thwala, a life and relationship coach based in Johannesburg, says relationships can be complicated and so are break-ups.
“If the breakup involved broken hearts, disappointment and betrayal, dating your friend’s ex can be viewed as choosing the ex’s side. Breakups also take time and closure so dating a friend’s recent ex can seriously delay their ability to move on. It can also cause conflict and judgement from your mutual friends.”
Yes, if you are dating your friend’s ex, one of the things that could really affect you is the backlash from society, but for Tshepiso and her partner this kept them stronger as a couple.
“We did anticipate a backlash but we took everything we heard on the grapevine with a pinch of salt and we continued our relationship. No one came forward to express their concerns, so I continued with my life,” Tshepiso says.
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Mixed feelings
For *Nokubonga Mkhize, from Durban, it came as a shock. “As friends, we once spoke about this, and we all agreed that the ‘Girl Code’ was that we wouldn’t date each other’s ex-boyfriends. When it happened, I was stunned and disappointed.”
Nokubonga says she first noticed that something was up when her friend started acting strangely towards her.
“This behaviour continued until I found out that she was dating my ex. I wasn’t angry, because she was pursued by the guy, and I didn’t feel betrayed, but I did wonder if my friend had been jealous of my relationship all along.”
Friendship vs relationship
Thwala says it’s important to understand the values and boundaries of your friendship.
“If trust and respect are shared values, communicate honestly and respect the responses that may come. Your friend may be open to it. Or they may not be comfortable with it, in which case you may have to evaluate which relationship means more to you. If they give you an ultimatum to choose between the two, remember it is their prerogative, and you need to respect it.”
Tshepiso tells TRUELOVE that the friendship is no longer there.
“After this incident, we went our separate ways. Even though on some days I did regret my decision to date my friend’s ex, I chose to focus on my relationship.”
Despite this, Tshepiso says she wouldn’t advise anyone to do it.
“If you are in a situation where you’re dating, or about to date, your friend’s ex, you need to be ready for the fallout. But if the guy is supportive and understanding, it makes it easier for you.”
The truth is, people often have opinions and judgements on what should or shouldn’t be. But these are just that – opinions. They will not affect your relationship unless you allow them to. It is important to set up boundaries about who has a platform to speak into your relationship, and you need to protect it [your relationship].
Before you proceed, be sure your friend and their ex have had ample time to get over each other. The best way to approach this involves an open conversation. This calls for honesty about your feelings from the get-go.
It is important to give your friend space to heal from any hard or unresolved feelings. So, again, treat them with respect, and avoid engaging in gossip and malicious rumours. Do not pry into the details of your friend and their ex’s previous relationship, and avoid comparison; especially if you are planning to be with your friend’s ex.
By virtue of having some information about the previous relationship, one may be tempted to try and out-do the previous partner. Or they may treat their partner with the same relationship patterns, standards and mistakes in mind. This should be avoided to give the relationship a fair chance to succeed. Again, it is crucial to avoid comparisons. Remember, you are not your friend, and this is a new relationship for you and your partner.
And if you don’t go for it? What then?
When you make the decision not to pursue a relationship, you need to acknowledge your feelings in the situation – both for your friend and their ex.
“People tend to disregard or minimise the feelings that have led them to where they are. If you cannot acknowledge how you got here, you will not be able to move on properly,” says Thwala.
The next step is to allow yourself to grieve the loss of the potential relationship so that the pain of “what could have been” will not grow and hold you back.
In this time, it is important to cut all communication with your friend’s ex, so you can get them out of your system. During this process, feelings of regret, shame and guilt may come up. When this happens, you need to remind yourself that you are not defined by your regrets or “mistakes”. Forgive yourself and practise self-compassion. This is a great way to remind yourself of who you really are and how you want to show up in the world.
*Not their real names to protect identities
