In her book The Sex Starved Marriage – A Couple's Guide To Boosting Their Marriage Libido (Simon & Schuster), marriage therapist Michele Weiner Davis writes: "...there are millions of people, women and men, who just don't feel turned on. It would be a good thing if these lustless men and women were married to each other; they could agree to go off into the sunset, basking in platonic bliss. But as fate would have it, it rarely works that way."
Getting yours
Dr Bob Berkowitz and his wife Susan, authors of He's Just Not Up for It Anymore(Harper Collins), say that apart from the old classic – the illicit affair – there are many other reasons why a man's libido may be less than lustful.
Some causes of this disinterest are sad (loss of libido with ageing being a natural fact of life for some people); frightening (he's too into porn to get turned on by the real thing) and tragic (sexual dysfunction and fear of not satisfying himself or his partner).
It's a truism that good sex doesn't mean you have to go at it like rabbits or chandelier swinging acrobats. Bob and Susan Berkowitz say: "A sexless marriage is only a problem if one (or both) of the people in it think so. Libido, like most things in life, varies from person to person, and there is no 'right' number of times a week, month or year to be sexual with your partner. So, if a couple are happy without sex, that's fine.
But most of us would argue that sex is the cherry on top of a good relationship and when denied, it hurts. It goes beyond needing a physical quick-fix. We're not dealing here with a temporary dry spell where a mènage a moi might do the trick, but rather a long-term drought with no sex all season. Months or years where there are no amorous advances and passion are replaced by at best, platonic palship, or worse, pure resentment.
There are times when being more assertive and taking responsibility for your sexual satisfaction – making more moves – helps. However, when a partner's sex drive is scuppered by the side-effects of prescription medication, insisting on sex is nothing short of selfish, if not downright dangerous.
Dr Lorraine Becker, a Johannesburg physician who also specialises in women's sexual health, says: "The most common drugs that affect sex are the anti-depressants, especially the SSRIs i.e. drugs such as the Prozac/Cipramil/Zoloft group. They cause a decreased sex drive and difficulty reaching orgasm for men and women."
But his may not be a physical problem – some people just don't need as much sex as others. Whilst his may be a lifelong preference, sometimes an apparent loss of libido may not actually mean that he has truly gone off sex for good.
Dr Becker explains that when some men have performance anxiety, their feelings of inadequacy may drive them to avoid sex altogether, often picking arguments at bedtime or overdoing it with the booze, just so they have a valid excuse for their failure to perform. She says:
"Thankfully, there are medications like Levitra, Cialis and Viagra that can help men overcome this performance anxiety."
Keeping up
The tables may sometimes be turned. Testosterone, chief among the sex hormones, is higher in men than women, so all things being equal, the man will likely have a higher sex drive. Just as for men, medication may lead to a lagging libido in women and oral contraceptives and diabetes tablets are among the usual suspects.
Because there are myriad physical as well as socio-cultural factors that combine or collaborate to define each individual's sex drive, sorting out any hang-ups should be with the guidance of reputable or trained therapists.
Don’t give up just yet
In frivolous flings, finding out that you and your main squeeze have mismatched libidos isn't the end of the world – only the relationship. You can walk away. But with a mature or long-term relationship, you owe it to each other to work through things.
On the one hand, there's the problem of having a partner whose sex drive is so low he just can't supply the quality and quantity of sex you need versus the issue of wondering how far one should go to satisfy their randier partner.
Bob and Susan Berkowitz say: "Intimacy may have to be negotiated. We don't believe anyone should do things they don't want to do, but it is usually not too difficult to compromise."
As far as sex goes, compromise is a dirty word for some people. Isn't it a sad day when pillow talk is replaced with a roundtable-style peace treaty?
However, the Berkowitzes say this remains one of the best ways of reaching out. "So, if he wants to have sex every night (which, by the way, would be unusual after the first three years or so of a relationship) and you want to make love once a week, you can probably negotiate a schedule that works for you both. The important thing about a good marriage is that in this, and everything else that is of importance, you both speak about the issues, and listen to one another too."
What is your take on mismatched libidos? Tell us in the comment box below.
