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Naughty bits in fiction. We all love them (it's ok, I'll keep your secret if you're too embarrassed or shy to admit to such a thing).
From the subtle and understated, to the raunchy and downright graphic descriptions commonly seen in the erotic fiction genre, there's nothing that makes one swoon (or blush) more than a well-played out scene of the couple finally getting it on.
I mean, how many of you really read the first few books in Jean Auel's Earth's Children series for the plot back when you were a teen?
I bet you all snuck them under your covers.
Having said that though, over the years, I've come to the realisation that as fun as they are to read, their execution often falls victim to the same old tired clichés.
While there are certainly some beautifully executed romantic trysts in literature, many of them don't offer anything new and only serve to highlight issues that seem to contribute to the delusion of what intimacy should be and what it shouldn't be.
Here are some of the issues that drive me up the wall:
Steamy trysts are not just for the pretty
Contrary to popular belief, ordinary people get plenty of action too. Sometimes more than the bronzed Adonis actually (mostly because they're too busy being so arrogant and egocentric to actually score).
Anyway, my point is that yes, fiction is about escapism, but many authors seem to think that only the buxom blond filly with legs from here to New York, is the one who has heaps of men panting after her like a werewolf in heat.
Similarly, the men are vampirically good-looking with rock-hard abs who own multi-billion dollar corporations - and even though they have dark pasts, are essentially honourable virile men whose length and girth surpasses that of the average man on the street.
Whatever happened to giving the chronically awkward and aesthetically challenged heroine, and the pudgy-looking guy the main spotlight in books? Often they're relegated to being the protagonists’ best friends.
Why not main characters?
There's not enough humour and awkwardness
Sometimes one's first time with a partner is not an instantly spectacular event. Why many authors seem to think this is the case, I'm not quite sure.
Why don't they add a well-placed fart as an embarrassing, but hilarious ice-breaker during the build-up?
And why can't noses bump and teeth smash against each other while the couple try to find their bearing and rhythm?
I'm certainly not saying we should abandon the perfect fantasy, but surely moments like these could inject a little realism into the intimate moment?
Next up: stupid euphemisms
Nothing irks me more than reading about the male character thrusting his shaft of manhood /hot steely rod inside the heroine's tunnel of love/ secret garden / candy shop or whatever the hell you want to call it.
And don't even get me started on "his throbbing member."
I've seen this in the more trashy romance novels (you know, the ones with more sex, less love and a barely discernible plot), but even then it just seems out of place. And it makes me squirm.
Although, I suppose it's marginally better than using the clinical terms. Now there's a buzz kill if you ever needed one.
Purple prose doesn't work for everyone
"He gently touched the moist, honey-dewed centre of her clam shell and watched as she undulated with unbridled titillation"
Ah yes, if you didn't know what purple prose was before this, you certainly do now.
I'm convinced that some authors use this flowery language to convey to the world just how many words are in their vocabulary. I'm not completely against flower-speak per say, but the way to success here, is creating a balance between being subtle and being overly descriptive.
Sometimes less is more and nuance is key.
Steamy scenes at odd times
Some authors think that people like to get down and dirty after being chased by terrorists or surviving a bomb blast. Naughty scenes not only need to be realistic, but they need to be timing appropriate too.
I don't know about you, but the last thing I'd want to do after barely escaping with my life (after being targeted by a serial killer), is to be intimately accosted for some fun times. There are some crime fiction authors that are definitely guilty of doing this.
Granted, it is a work of fiction, but creating realistic ambience for a sex scene is surely possible.
And finally... there's the virgin fantasy
Many authors build up and create this fictional fantasy that all virgin's experience earth-shattering orgasms the first time round (Actually, it's not just the virgins but most female characters).
Not only that, but they make their virginal characters act like the most experienced and seductive sirens on earth, which is not only jarring, but just plain unrealistic.
Last time I checked, not all women experience orgasms instantaneously - or that easily. It takes work. And it should show.
But, enough griping from me. I'd love to hear what's on your list of love scene pet peeves.
Do share. I'm sure I'm not the only one who sometimes has issues with them?
Follow Tammy on Twitter.
Follow Women24 on Twitter and like us on Facebook
This column originally appeared as a newsletter. To sign up for our monthly book club newsletter, where you stand a chance of winning our topp 1o reads, head on over here.
From the subtle and understated, to the raunchy and downright graphic descriptions commonly seen in the erotic fiction genre, there's nothing that makes one swoon (or blush) more than a well-played out scene of the couple finally getting it on.
I mean, how many of you really read the first few books in Jean Auel's Earth's Children series for the plot back when you were a teen?
I bet you all snuck them under your covers.
Having said that though, over the years, I've come to the realisation that as fun as they are to read, their execution often falls victim to the same old tired clichés.
While there are certainly some beautifully executed romantic trysts in literature, many of them don't offer anything new and only serve to highlight issues that seem to contribute to the delusion of what intimacy should be and what it shouldn't be.
Here are some of the issues that drive me up the wall:
Steamy trysts are not just for the pretty
Contrary to popular belief, ordinary people get plenty of action too. Sometimes more than the bronzed Adonis actually (mostly because they're too busy being so arrogant and egocentric to actually score).
Anyway, my point is that yes, fiction is about escapism, but many authors seem to think that only the buxom blond filly with legs from here to New York, is the one who has heaps of men panting after her like a werewolf in heat.
Similarly, the men are vampirically good-looking with rock-hard abs who own multi-billion dollar corporations - and even though they have dark pasts, are essentially honourable virile men whose length and girth surpasses that of the average man on the street.
Whatever happened to giving the chronically awkward and aesthetically challenged heroine, and the pudgy-looking guy the main spotlight in books? Often they're relegated to being the protagonists’ best friends.
Why not main characters?
There's not enough humour and awkwardness
Sometimes one's first time with a partner is not an instantly spectacular event. Why many authors seem to think this is the case, I'm not quite sure.
Why don't they add a well-placed fart as an embarrassing, but hilarious ice-breaker during the build-up?
And why can't noses bump and teeth smash against each other while the couple try to find their bearing and rhythm?
I'm certainly not saying we should abandon the perfect fantasy, but surely moments like these could inject a little realism into the intimate moment?
Next up: stupid euphemisms
Nothing irks me more than reading about the male character thrusting his shaft of manhood /hot steely rod inside the heroine's tunnel of love/ secret garden / candy shop or whatever the hell you want to call it.
And don't even get me started on "his throbbing member."
I've seen this in the more trashy romance novels (you know, the ones with more sex, less love and a barely discernible plot), but even then it just seems out of place. And it makes me squirm.
Although, I suppose it's marginally better than using the clinical terms. Now there's a buzz kill if you ever needed one.
Purple prose doesn't work for everyone
"He gently touched the moist, honey-dewed centre of her clam shell and watched as she undulated with unbridled titillation"
Ah yes, if you didn't know what purple prose was before this, you certainly do now.
I'm convinced that some authors use this flowery language to convey to the world just how many words are in their vocabulary. I'm not completely against flower-speak per say, but the way to success here, is creating a balance between being subtle and being overly descriptive.
Sometimes less is more and nuance is key.
Steamy scenes at odd times
Some authors think that people like to get down and dirty after being chased by terrorists or surviving a bomb blast. Naughty scenes not only need to be realistic, but they need to be timing appropriate too.
I don't know about you, but the last thing I'd want to do after barely escaping with my life (after being targeted by a serial killer), is to be intimately accosted for some fun times. There are some crime fiction authors that are definitely guilty of doing this.
Granted, it is a work of fiction, but creating realistic ambience for a sex scene is surely possible.
And finally... there's the virgin fantasy
Many authors build up and create this fictional fantasy that all virgin's experience earth-shattering orgasms the first time round (Actually, it's not just the virgins but most female characters).
Not only that, but they make their virginal characters act like the most experienced and seductive sirens on earth, which is not only jarring, but just plain unrealistic.
Last time I checked, not all women experience orgasms instantaneously - or that easily. It takes work. And it should show.
But, enough griping from me. I'd love to hear what's on your list of love scene pet peeves.
Do share. I'm sure I'm not the only one who sometimes has issues with them?
Follow Tammy on Twitter.
Follow Women24 on Twitter and like us on Facebook
This column originally appeared as a newsletter. To sign up for our monthly book club newsletter, where you stand a chance of winning our topp 1o reads, head on over here.
