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The Secret Keeper is opening up about the ongoing nightmare that is her eating disorder. Read her first post here.
The irritation that is filling up inside of me is bordering on anger. I am not angry with anyone and no one has done anything to put me in this mood… no one, that is, except myself.
I came across a photo of myself from 7 years back wearing lingerie and the only thing I like about the photo are my ribs and my hip bones sticking out, without me having to stand up straight and suck in all my fat.
I’m frustrated with myself, because I look fantastic in the photo and I know, at the time, I thought I looked terrible and was just too overweight.
I want to live my life without having to worry about my self-image all the time.
I want to live my life without having to worry about my fat rolls being seen by others.
I want to live my life without having to worry if I’ll put on too much fat, to the point where I won’t see my bones.
I want to live!
It’s so hard trying to get into the right mindset of believing that I AM beautiful, that I AM a perfect weight for MY body.
I don’t want to be the type of person who looks back on old photo’s all the time and regrets that I didn’t love me.
I don’t want to be the type of person that is so scared of wearing clothes that are ‘too tight’ or ‘too short’ because I believe that I have fat overflowing everywhere.
I want to be able to look back at photos and know that I was happy. I want to be able to look back and say ‘Hey, I wore that crop top well. I looked hot.’
I don’t want to be the type of person that looks back at photos of myself and thinks ‘You should have worn that crop top. You could have looked hot. You’re too fat now.’ and continue to let my warped fat-logic take over.
The frustration I feel at not being able to love me is a little bit soul crushing today.
I heard my Aunt state that if she realized how good her body was when she was younger, she would've appreciated it a lot more and worn more daring clothes or been comfortable at the beach, but she only realized this now, when she is overweight and mature.
It makes me sad to think, that at the time of this statement, the thought that went through my head was ‘That won’t be me. I’ll live and wear what I want, when I want.’ and now look at me...
One day, I will love me too.
But until that day comes, I just have to keep trusting and listening to the people who love me enough to love all of me.
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The irritation that is filling up inside of me is bordering on anger. I am not angry with anyone and no one has done anything to put me in this mood… no one, that is, except myself.
I came across a photo of myself from 7 years back wearing lingerie and the only thing I like about the photo are my ribs and my hip bones sticking out, without me having to stand up straight and suck in all my fat.
I’m frustrated with myself, because I look fantastic in the photo and I know, at the time, I thought I looked terrible and was just too overweight.
I want to live my life without having to worry about my self-image all the time.
I want to live my life without having to worry about my fat rolls being seen by others.
I want to live my life without having to worry if I’ll put on too much fat, to the point where I won’t see my bones.
I want to live!
It’s so hard trying to get into the right mindset of believing that I AM beautiful, that I AM a perfect weight for MY body.
I don’t want to be the type of person who looks back on old photo’s all the time and regrets that I didn’t love me.
I don’t want to be the type of person that is so scared of wearing clothes that are ‘too tight’ or ‘too short’ because I believe that I have fat overflowing everywhere.
I want to be able to look back at photos and know that I was happy. I want to be able to look back and say ‘Hey, I wore that crop top well. I looked hot.’
I don’t want to be the type of person that looks back at photos of myself and thinks ‘You should have worn that crop top. You could have looked hot. You’re too fat now.’ and continue to let my warped fat-logic take over.
The frustration I feel at not being able to love me is a little bit soul crushing today.
I heard my Aunt state that if she realized how good her body was when she was younger, she would've appreciated it a lot more and worn more daring clothes or been comfortable at the beach, but she only realized this now, when she is overweight and mature.
It makes me sad to think, that at the time of this statement, the thought that went through my head was ‘That won’t be me. I’ll live and wear what I want, when I want.’ and now look at me...
One day, I will love me too.
But until that day comes, I just have to keep trusting and listening to the people who love me enough to love all of me.
Follow Women24 on Twitter and like us on Facebook.
