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YOU could love each other to the ends of the earth, trust each other and be totally committed to the relationship. But there’s no doubt about it – if one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t, it’s a potential dealbreaker.
Just ask Sofía Vergara. The actress recently revealed that the real reason behind her split from Joe Manganiello after seven years of marriage was that he wanted to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet and she didn’t.
“My marriage broke up because my husband was younger; he wanted to have kids and I didn’t want to be an old mom,” Sofía (51) said in a recent interview with Spanish newspaper El País.
The actress had a baby at 19 and her now-adult son, Manolo Gonzalez Vergara, is 32. Joe (47), who proposed to Sofía after a six-month whirlwind romance, has no children of his own.
The smitten couple, who married in 2015, looked blissfully happy, but in July last year they announced that their marriage was over.
Joe filed for divorce two days after the announcement, citing irreconcilable differences. Now Sofía has opened up about the fact that he wanted kids and she didn’t. You don’t get more irreconcilable than that.
“I feel it’s not fair to the baby,” she said in the interview. “I respect whoever does it, but that’s not for me anymore.
“I’m ready to be a grandmother, not a mother. I’m almost in menopause; it’s the natural way of things.”
Sofía and Joe aren’t the only celeb couple to have split recently over this issue.
In December, Mariah Carey (54) and backup dancer Bryan Tanaka (40) announced they’d ended their seven-year relationship.
“He wants to have a family; that’s not where she’s at,” a source revealed. The Obsessed singer has twins Moroccan and Monroe (12) with ex-husband Nick Cannon (43).
So what do a couple do when they find themselves at odds over this pivotal question? We asked relationship experts for advice.
Navigating this touchy terrain
The choice to become a parent is deeply personal and can bring up all sorts of emotions you will need to explore.
It’s important to understand the reasons on both sides and this requires open and honest conversation. Experts offer these guidelines:
Mutual respect is key
Approach the conversation with empathy and a genuine desire to understand your partner’s reasons, says therapist Liezl Camphor of Meraki Counselling. Listen actively and avoid accusatory language.
“You can’t tell your partner they’re wrong for the stance they take on this topic,” says relationship and communication coach Leah Sefor.
“There are a lot of valid reasons to not have a child, as much as there are reasons for it.” You need to understand where you’re both coming from in your thinking, she says.
Explore the ‘why’
Delve deeper than simply wanting or not wanting children. Discuss the fears, aspirations and values behind each stance, Camphor says.
It could be that your partner is concerned about finances or about how having a child will change your relationship or your lifestyle. They might be concerned that they won’t bond with the child or that they won’t make a good parent. Talking about it can help you understand each other’s viewpoints better and see if there’s any possibility of a compromise.
Acknowledge the complexity
There is no one-size-fits-all solution. Whether to have kids or not is a significant life decision and the impact it will have on your relationship needs careful consideration.
Seek support
If you find you’re struggling to talk about it, consider couples therapy so a professional can help you navigate the conversation. A therapist can also help uncover any lingering fears or issues about having children and the responsibilities that come with it.
When one of you has changed your mind
You may have had a shared dream about starting a family and then found yourselves at odds because one of you has had a change of heart.
People are allowed to change their minds, says relationship expert Paula Quinsee. As we grow and learn more about ourselves and what we want out of life, our views on things like having children may change.
“There could be very real reasons why your partner has changed their mind,” Quinsee says. “It could be medical reasons, personal beliefs or their career trajectory. Context always helps provide clarity and understanding.”
Registered counsellor Sondré Adams says when there’s been a change of heart it’s important for couples to discuss it.
“People grow and priorities change, so be compassionate and open to reevaluating your mutual goals.”
READ MORE| The art of gentle parenting – working with your child's emotions versus tough love
Dos & Don’ts
It’s a heavy conversation, so it needs to be handled carefully.
Relationship and communication coach Leah Sefor offers these tips:
Do plan when and where
Choose a time and place where there won’t be any interruptions. A private space is best, so don’t do it in a restaurant or coffee shop.
Don’t ambush them. Tell your partner there’s something that’s been on your mind in terms of your relationship and your future together, and that you’d like to talk about it.
Don’t use closed statements
Don’t say things such as “I’ve made a decision” or “I’m doing this with or without you”.
Rather invite a conversation by saying, “I just wanted to bring up how I’ve been feeling so we can start sharing our thoughts and feelings about it.”
Do give your partner time to process
Don’t ask for an immediate response. They may feel overwhelmed and need a bit of time to process things. Or they may be ready and want to talk about it immediately. Let them take the lead.
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Finding a way forward
There is no simple way forward, Camphor says. When both partners feel strongly about it, finding a compromise can be challenging.
One option could be accepting that your partner does not want to have children.
“Or you could compromise on the number of children you want to have,” says therapist Liezl Camphor. If you don’t agree on this issue, you’ll need to make the difficult decision to separate, she says. If you’re reluctant to have kids, but agree to have a child in an effort to keep the relationship going, this can be fertile ground for resentment and anger.
Sometimes the partner who wants a child promises to take full responsibility for the childcare. Although this can work, it’s also quite likely that the partner who takes on the lion’s share of the childcare ends up feeling alone and resentful. The best decision depends on each couple’s specific circumstances, the depth of their commitment to each other and their willingness to compromise.
