Hilarious Horrorscopes: Aries
Ariens would be our planet’s evil overlords if they weren’t so drunk the whole time.
March 21 - April 19
Ariens are friendly, social creatures with amazing people skills, a magnetic smile, and a dungeon behind a false wall in their home in which they torture small animals and drink blood out of the skulls of their enemies. Of course I’m speaking metaphorically here. Mostly.
Megalomaniacal at the best of times, every Arien’s first regret is that they were not the obstetrician at their own birth.
Totally convinced that they are, and deserve to be, the leader of everyone in everything they do, Ariens would be our planet’s evil overlords if they weren’t so goddamn drunk the whole time.
You know that person at the house party who forces everyone to wear a silly hat and form a Conga line? And then takes pictures of you looking like a dork and posts it on Facebook? That’s your typical Arien friend.
In friendship, Ariens are typically attracted to weak-willed, emotional retards they can twist around their little fingers, then discard like a cat swiping away a mouse’s corpse when they get bored. Not that they’ll necessarily do this, of course. An Arien will be a fantastic friend – possibly the best friend you’ll ever have, until you try to tell them what to do. Then it’s mouse corpse time.
Try not to rely too heavily on your Arien friend. They’ll make plans with you, then cancel at the last minute. And if they don’t, they’ll show up two hours late. Ariens are late for everything, because deep down they don’t believe you even exist until they arrive and “see” you back into reality. Well, the only reality that counts, anyway.
There’s an old saying that goes, “Never stand between an asshole and their goal”. Well, that saying only exists because someone misspelled Arien.
Where most people work for money, love of the job or just something to do, Ariens work for one reason and one reason only: to crush the rest of us under their steel-capped boots. Not in a sly, premeditated, backstabbing way, though. Ariens are compulsive, lightning fast face-stabbers. So you’ll see them coming, but by then it’ll already be too late.
Your best bet in this situation is to hope that your Arien overlord’s attention deficit disorder kicks in and they get bored of crushing your puny soul. This shouldn’t take long. They only started ruining your career on an impulsive whim, anyway.
Your Arien colleague doesn’t want to be your boss: they just want you and everyone else to know that they’re the best. Once that’s established, it’s time for lots and lots of drinks.
If you’re looking for a relationship that’s peaceful, gentle and predictable, and find yourself shacked up with an Arien, the best advice anyone can offer you is RUN. Because before you know it you’ll be tied to the bedposts wearing a batman mask, covered in candle wax and wondering how what seemed like a normal Sunday afternoon turned out this way.
There’s no polite way to say this: Ariens love to fuck. And they do it with the seedy passion most of us only reserve for drunken one night stands. On the positive side, you probably won’t have to go to the gym as often because you’ll be getting all the cardiovascular workout you need in bed (and on the dining room table, the bathroom floor and the roof of your car).
But there will be times you can’t walk without limping. Consider yourself warned.
Ariens are easily bored, and live for flattery and excitement. But don’t worry: your relationship is safe, so long as you can maintain the energy of a clown at a children’s party until one of you (mercifully) dies.
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