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Remember the time before you’d had sex (or maybe some of you haven’t had sex yet at all) and your fantasies of sex were completely based on sex scenes in movies and on TV?
Yeah, so do I, but they were all big fat lies.
Sex is so not like it is in the movies and you were probably a little (if not a lot) disappointed the first time you did the deed and realised it wasn’t everything you had built up in your mind.
Here’s how our favourites have lied to us:
There’s always a perfect moment
And it’s been built up for ages with stolen glances and whispered confessions of seduction. Meanwhile in real life you’re making out in their bedroom trying not to make too much noise cause you don’t wanna wake their roommate. Or you got drunk after work and now you’re shagging in their car, and while it’s hot it’s certainly not romantic.
Undressing is always seamless
Ha! This is a funny one 'cause who hasn’t got a hoodie stuck on their head, or the buttons on their shirt sleeves stuck over their hands or your bra just won’t unhook no matter how they’re trying to wiggle it. Or your skinny jeans get stuck, they try to pull it off and end up falling off the bed.
You’re not always prepared
Sometimes you haven’t shaved your legs (if you do shave that is) or your bits and pits, or you’re wearing your ugliest underwear or your hair isn’t perfect. Sex doesn’t always happen when you’re ready for it. Sometimes it just happens and you need to roll with it.
You will not be laid on the bed gently
In fact, most of it probably won’t be gentle at all. There will be limbs going in strange places, you might get poked in the eye or stomach. You could end up in a very strange position.
The awkward condom moment
We never get to see the bit where they stop mid kiss, with clothes halfway off and lipstick smeared to ask “Do you have a condom?” and then watch as the very unsexy process of reaching for your handbag and digging in it for that precious piece of plastic. And heaven forbid if he starts losing his erection as you look for the condom. That’s so annoying. *eye roll*
The awkwardness of trying to get it in
Again this is when there are penises involved. Our vayjayjay loving sisters don’t have to worry about this one. But there’s often that awkward moment when he can’t see or feel where the hole is and there’s a lot of grunting and frustration, or he keeps slipping out.
Finding your rhythm
It can be a bit difficult at first to get used to each other and the way you like to bang. You might want to go slow and they want to go faster or vice versa.
Switching positions
How do they just switch from top to bottom or doggie style without even saying a word and it’s all so effortless? Usually during sex you have to be very careful cause there are sensitive areas involved and you might get hurt.
Sex does not last for hours
Well, if it has for you, I applaud you and I want lessons. Usually it’s about 10 minutes of up and down, in and out, maybe switching positions once or twice and if you’re lucky you’ll come.
Speaking of which…
Orgasms are not guaranteed
You might both be enjoying yourself and things are going well, but then they come before you do and then you’re left lying there like a slap chip, feeling frustrated. Also it’s very unlikely that you’ll both come at the same time. It’s a lovely feeling when you do, but it happens very rarely.
The after care
Now you’re done having sexy times, but you need to pee (and it’s recommended that you do after sex to avoid UTIs) and wipe down there after everything that’s just happened. You don’t necessarily get to bask in the glow of the great sex you just had when you’re running to the loo quickly trying to dodge their flatmates.
And then there’s...
The post coital glow
If you look amazing after sex, power to you. But most of us have smudged eyeliner, smeared lipstick and messed up hair after we’ve shagged and it isn’t always movie star pretty. Trust me.
