QUESTION
I’m a 36-year-old woman who has two children aged 10 and five. I’ve been dating their father for 12 years. We love each other a lot and we do almost everything together. My worry is that he never talks about marrying me. This is because I’m growing old and most of our friends are already married. I don’t know how to bring up the subject to him because I don’t want to seem desperate. I sometimes think that he doesn’t want to marry me at all or that I’m not good enough for him. Am I wrong to wonder if he is not just waiting for a better woman to come along before he leaves me? ANONYMOUS, KATLEHONG
READERS ADVISE
DIKELEDI MPHAHLELE
Twelve years is just too long. I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years, and just the other day I was asking him when he is going to pay lobola for me. You mustn’t be afraid of asking him. This is your life. You have to know his intentions, so that you can plan your future. If he is not interested, find yourself a guy who will marry you.
ANELKA LEBOGANG
You won’t seem desperate because you don’t know what he’s thinking. What if he is waiting for you to bring up the subject? Men like to be pushed and, trust me, only you can give him the reasons to marry you. He is your man and you know him.
FLORINA MOLEFE
Twelve years of staying together is too long. You have been wasting your time. But then again, who knows, maybe you are busy preparing a husband for another woman. All the best in complaining about a situation you should have solved a long time ago.
MAUREEN MKHIZE
You have a right to ask him if getting married is what you want. You’ve spent 12 years with him and asking him won’t make you seem desperate. If you don’t know where this relationship is going, it will make you anxious.
EXPERT ADVICE
Thuli Bottman, a counselling social worker, says, “This is not a matter of appearing desperate, it is a conversation you are entitled to have after being with this man for 12 years and bearing two of his children. You do need to know what his thinking is towards marriage. Does he have issues with commitment? Does he ever plan to get married? Or has he just never thought of marriage? You have the right to tell him that you want to be married to him. Speak to him calmly and rationally. Don’t mention the children, friends or age in this discussion as it is about you. He needs to know that you want to marry him because you love him. Unless you tell him how you feel, he will not know.”
