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Partners
The day they met is seared into her memory forever. 8 January 1974. Emma* was in matric and Dirk* was working in the farmer’s co-op in a small Free State town.
“My [now] late brother-in-law introduced us to each other. That same evening Dirk asked me if I’d go out with him,” Emma recalls. “He was handsome, friendly, and had good manners and a gentle demeanour.
“We liked each other instantly. He respected the fact that I was still at school. He had a good sense of humour and was respectful towards my parents and family. It felt as if I’d met my dream man.”
Later in life she’d always think of him whenever she passed through town. “I wondered whether he was happily married. If he had kids? Maybe grandchildren? Was he a strict dad? Was he a grandfather who liked to spoil his grandkids?
“Sometimes I wondered if he remembered me and how we used to go dancing together.”
At the beginning of last year Emma found Dirk on Facebook and on 31 January he accepted her friend request. He sent her his phone number and she called him.
She was married at the time but unhappily so.
Dirk told Emma he was working in Lesotho, that he divorced his wife in 1981 and that Emma should send him an email telling him everything about her life since the last time they saw each other.
“I told him if he was ever in the area he should come for coffee so that we could talk about the past 43 years and what the other had done in that time.”
She sent him an email in which she told him about the difficulty she was experiencing in her second marriage. They started contacting each other every evening between 6pm and 11pm. The contact she had with Dirk was like oxygen to her, Emma says.
One Sunday after church she told her pastor she wanted to leave her husband.
“That afternoon my [now] ex-husband threatened to beat me. In my head I was praying, ‘Jesus, please come and take me or deliver me from this.’
“From my bedroom I went back to the living room and switched on the ‘oxygen tank’ – my BlackBerry phone. I put in my earphones and listened to music while playing games on my tablet to pass the time.
“I used to always sit like that with my earphones in the evenings because my ex-husband watched his programmes [on TV]. At 7.30pm that evening I got the email that changed my life. It said, ‘My girl, hold on – I’m coming to get you.’
“I went onto Facebook where I got the same message. I could see he was online, so I asked him what he meant. His answer was that he knew I was crying – which was true – and that I don’t deserve to be hurt like that.
“We chatted until just before 11pm that night. I said goodnight and went to bed. For two months we chatted like that every night and for me it was something to look forward to.”
Emma says the whole time they were chatting Dirk maintained that he was divorced. “At one stage he told me they live in the same home, but in separate rooms. I was suspicious the whole time and sometimes I’d call his landline but didn’t speak.
“He’d answer the phone. Then after a few minutes he’d SMS to say his ex-wife had told him I’d phoned and when her boyfriend answered I’d put the phone down.”
Dirk had been trying to pretend he was his wife’s boyfriend when he answered the landline.
“I denied calling because it hurt to know that he was lying to me. I used to tell him he must believe what he wants to.”
In August 2017 they saw each other again for the first time in 43 years. They met at a guesthouse in Bloemfontein.
“That moment was so special,” Emma says. “I walked from the guesthouse to the street corner. He was walking towards me, then stopped, phone in hand.
“All I could say was, ‘Yes, you.’ He looked at me, stepped towards me and said, ‘My girl, I love you.’
“I took his face in my hands and kissed him hello. He wrapped me in a bear hug, kissed me twice more, and then we walked back to the guesthouse. While we walked we talked about my fears and he kept reassuring me he was divorced, that he loved me and that he worked in Lesotho.
“It was a special time. When he had to leave we were both in tears. It’s a day I’ll never forget – it was just so good to have him to myself for two hours.
“We kept emailing, SMSing and calling each other. In many of his emails he said he wanted to grow old with me, that I was part of his plans for the future, he didn’t want to lose me, he loved me and I was his one and only. [He told me] we’d be together, I just needed to be patient.”
Emma and her husband got divorced in February this year. In March Dirk sent Emma a message to say that he thought they should just be friends while he sorted out his stuff – but he didn’t explain what he meant by that.
“When I asked questions he became a little impatient. I was sad because I couldn’t understand why he didn’t trust me – I’d opened my heart to him completely.”
In April she sent him a WhatsApp the day before his birthday saying she’d call him the next day. He told her not to call and said he’d rather call her because he was working on a farm somewhere in the Eastern Cape.
Early the next morning she got a call from a private number. She thought it was a long-lost friend of hers. But it was Dirk’s wife, who screamed at her to leave her husband alone. She threatened to call the police and have Emma arrested for harassment.
“I sent him an SMS and just said I’d leave him alone [and that] it wasn’t necessary to threaten me with the police.”
Dirk’s wife phoned again and yelled at her. The next call was from Dirk himself, telling her to leave him alone. “It hurt me so much,” Emma says.
She says it’s hard to describe how she feels about Dirk. “I love him so much, but I’m angry at him for all the lies.”
She can’t understand why he started a relationship with her while he’s married.
“I loved him for many years because he was my first great love. He’ll always have a place in my heart. But I’ll never trust him again, whatever happens in the future.”
Emma says the experience has taught her not to be so quick to trust. She wants to warn women to be careful before entering into a relationship. “Make sure the man is single. Before I get involved with someone again I’ll ask to see a divorce letter or death certificate.
“There’s already too much pain in life and all anyone wants is love and happiness.”
* Not their real names
