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The modern world is a marvel in many ways. It’s easier than ever to stay in touch with friends and family and see what they get up to over weekends – there’s social media for that. Keeping up to date with world events is quite simple too – there’s a new app for that.
And checking your inbox for work emails at all hours? There’s a smartphone for that. But all this being in-touchness and the keeping-upness has a downside too: it stresses us out and often makes us unhappy. And stress and unhappiness get in the way of us fulfilling our potential in life. This is according to Shawn Achor, an American “happiness” researcher who’s made the advocacy of positive psychology his life’s work.
In this extract from his new book, Big Potential, Achor describes three key strategies for defending, disarming and overcoming the forces that threaten our energy, creativity, passion – and potential.
Strategy 1: Build a moat
We live in a society where technology allows us to be more interconnected than at any time in human history and yet, as our mediums for connection have multiplied, our happiness has decreased.
That’s because we now have an unlimited, continually replenishing supply of negativity available instantly at our fingertips. We’ve figured out a way for someone else to totally wreck our mood, concentration and optimism with a finger stroke on a smartphone.
When your mood is toxic, your potential suffers. How? For one thing, research suggests that a negative mood impacts your business outcomes – when faced with problem - solving tasks, negative people tire sooner, give up faster and come up with fewer correct answers.
A barrage of negative news also shows us a picture of the world that’s frightening and in which our behaviour doesn’t matter. Social media is like an always-on news channel, and the content doesn’t even have to be negative for it to depress or upset us.
It could be the pictures of your friends on their fabulous holidays while you’re at work. It could be a post on Twitter that a friend just got married while you’re still searching for love. A LinkedIn update letting you know a colleague just got a big promotion that you would’ve loved to have.
We want to be happy for our friends and when we’re in a good mindset we generally are. But when our mental resources are low, we’re more vulnerable to toxic emotions such as envy, bitterness and resentment.
These threats are all around us. So we need a way to defend our castle. One super simple strategy is to build a moat in your daily routine.
Here’s mine and I highly recommend it: no media before breakfast or morning coffee and no media after lying in bed. By “media” I mean news, email and social media feeds – not on your computer, your phone, your television or anywhere else.
What’s great about the moat defence is you can build it in seconds. You literally have to do nothing other than resist temptation. Of course, building a moat doesn’t make negative influences disappear – it just keeps them temporarily at bay, giving you time to build your defences against them.
So in addition to building a media-free moat around your day, try these simple strategies for defending yourself against the constant flow of negative news:
Turn off alerts: Make your consumption of news an active choice by turning off your alerts for one week. Shut off push notifications to your phone or email. Even when the news isn’t negative, these alerts pull our attention away from the present moment and distract us from our work, time with family and friends or the few stolen minutes of quiet contemplation we need in order to refocus or recharge.
Cancel the noise: In the same way you might cancel the noise on a plane using headphones, you can cancel out all the negative chatter in your brain by practising meditation. Or, if you drive or listen to the radio or podcasts on the way to work, try decreasing the noise in your life by turning them off just for the first five minutes of your commute.
Strategy 2: Build a mental stronghold
A mental stronghold is a practice that creates a stockpile of mental reserves you can always fall back on in challenging circumstances. A daily practice of gratitude is one example of a mental stronghold. Here are a few others you can create to defend yourself against stress, adversity or sadness.
Prime for optimism: When I’m having a terrible day I try to think of three good things that have happened over the past 24 hours. This not only primes my brain to begin processing the positive again, it provides much needed mental reinforcements to deal with whatever the world is dishing out. Pick a day – such as “Thankful Thursday” – and make a ritual of thinking about three positive things that happened over the past week.
Create a power lead: Try not to start your phone calls with “I’m so swamped” or “What a week. Is it Friday yet?” Instead, start with a breath and say, “It’s great to talk to you,” or “I’m so excited about our work together.” This simple technique will give you the power to change the tenor of the conversation to positive before the person even has a chance to reach for default conversational topics such as stress, fatigue or how they’re counting the minutes until five o’clock.
Invest in mindfulness: Mindfulness is a credit card for resilience – the more you spend, the more rewards you get at the end of the month. If the thought of meditating is intimidating or just “not your thing”, try spending two minutes a day simply concentrating on your breath going in and out and being present in your surroundings.
Strategy 3: Learn the art of mental aikido
Stressing about stress has become a national pastime. It’s easy to see why we do this, but by making stress into the enemy we’re actually arming it. Aikido is a form of fighting in which instead of trying to block an attack you use its energy to redirect its momentum. You can transfer that martial art into a mental one.
The key is to let go of trying to block or deny stress and instead redirect it more positively. We stress about things only when we care about them. So if you notice yourself beginning to feel stressed about something, ask yourself, “Why does this matter?” Think about why you care. Write it down if you need to and stick that piece of paper to your computer monitor or fridge as a constant reminder.
Mental Aikido is all about redirecting that energy toward the things that give you meaning. Once you reconnect with the meaning in your stress, whether it’s your kids’ happiness, your reputation as a strong leader or your commitment to a team, you not only put your priorities front and centre but you can now channel that energy productively.
Reframe challenges as enhancing experiences
How can you begin to see stressors not as reasons to quit but as the fuel of teamwork and motivation? First, if you find yourself in a stressful situation, ask yourself, “Who’s here in the trenches with me?” You can always find someone, whether they’re co-workers, fellow classmates or people you’ve met through your network. Once you’ve reminded yourself your burden isn’t yours to carry alone, challenge yourself to do anything you can to help these people, rather than simply commiserate with them.
This reframes the threat as an opportunity to strengthen your empathy muscle, as well as the bonds of your support system. Second, pay attention to the way you talk about stressful things. When you get home, instead of describing your work responsibilities as annoying, frustrating or overwhelming, talk about the opportunities they provide to build new relationships, learn new things and raise your potential. The language you use will begin to slowly have an impact on your attitude and perceptions and those of the people around you.
