Question

I have been dating my man for three years and we have a son together. But I have just discovered that he is married.

All this time I was under the impression that he lives with his mother and sister, but that is not the case. I have always asked him to introduce me to his family because he knows mine very well, but he often came up with excuses.

I recently received a WhatsApp message from his wife, warning me to stay away from her husband. I confronted him about this matter, but he denied any knowledge of it. How do I handle this situation?

HOW on earth did he possibly think he could hide such a big part of his life, without it blowing up in his face? It’s unfortunate that you had to go through all that. The emotional damage this must have caused you forces you to focus on your healing, while caring for your child.

Mo and Phindi Grootboom advise:

MATTER OF PRINCIPLE

In such a situation, you should simply walk away, even without knowing the finer details. The fact that he is married is enough reason to leave him as a matter of principle. Whether he’s in an unhappy relationship with his wife is none of anybody’s business. It’s their business.

While it is not your job to ensure he stays true to his wife, you do need to understand you may have to deal with possible physically violent reprisals. By knowingly staying in such a relationship, you put yourself, your child and your property in harm’s way. If you put yourself in her position, would you want your husband to have a lover?

 How would you feel finding out that your husband lied to you, pledged love to someone else the same way he did to you, broke commitments he made to you, and threw away his vows? How would you respond to that situation? If you don’t end the relationship, you stand to lose in a big way. That he’s been with you for three years and hid the fact that he’s, in enough about what you mean to him – and that’s not much at all. Unfortunately, if you’re expecting this relationship to go somewhere, the likelihood is that it won’t.

IT WILL NEVER END WELL

Most people don’t leave their spouses for a fling. However, they are always happy stringing their lover along for as much as possible. If he cares about you and wants a future, he should leave his wife first without you in the picture. Otherwise, you’re just a piece on the side who’ll assume the label of a ‘home-wrecker’.

Never date a married person as it never ends well, and always leaves a carnage of hurt in the end. It isn’t fair to his wife who’s been enduring his deceptive way of life for however long she’s known about this. But you must never even fool yourself into believing that he loves you. You’re nothing more than a side dish in his eyes. It’s time for you to move on and perhaps even get therapy. To find that you’ve spent three valuable years of your life on a lie of a relationship has to be a shock to your system. It’s time for you to focus on your healing. You should talk to someone who can help you as you move on with your life.

 You do not want to build a wall between yourself and other men, as this situation could even cause you to do so. What he did is indicative of his behaviour. Not all men are like this. Know that you did nothing wrong. He was always a liar. He was always someone who was deceptive and manipulative. He has issues, and they have nothing to do with you. Do not beat yourself up and take responsibility for his behaviour and how he treated you. He was never faithful, honest or trustworthy from the start.

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

In the future, there are certain things you have to insist on. Never ignore your instincts and your gut feeling about men. When something is not adding up, or doesn’t make sense, it’s time to interrogate it in order to get answers. Demand the truth. Do not settle and do not dismiss your feelings. They are there to guide you and help you. You gave him many chances and you knew something wasn’t right. Instead of holding on you should have stopped, reassessed the situation, got to the truth and re-evaluated your relationship. Take this as a learning curve. It was valuable to learn and now you know what to do, and what not to do in the next relationship.

Move! reader’s advice

DOLLY MATLHAKO

Dating a married person is like driving a government car. This means you’ll drive that car but you’ll never own it! Decide if you want to drive a government car or you want to have your own car.

PETER MAKUTU

If you have evidence that he is indeed married, then you need to accept that he is a cheat and liar. Trying to make more excuses might hurt you more. It is best that you walk away and rebuild your life. Love will find you at the right time. 

NAZEEM GROOTBOOM

 He seriously played you. Just dump that man because he will never leave his wife for you, no matter what. You were just a side chick. It’s time for you to move on with your life and sue that man for the maintenance of your son.