QUESTION
I recently discovered that I'm six weeks pregnant. When I broke the happy news to my boyfriend, he was less excited and has subsequently dumped me. We’d been dating for two years.
He has moved out of the flat we shared for a year and doesn’t answer my calls or respond to my WhatsApp messages. I'm struggling to cope with all of this and am requesting your advice on what makes a man run away after they discover you're pregnant.
I’ve been nothing but good to him, and ensured I satisfied him on all levels. What makes a man I trusted wholeheartedly suddenly stand up and leave when I need him the most? – FRUSTRATED
ANSWER
A man who runs away at the news that his girlfriend is pregnant is not only disgraceful to his own family, but is a boy who simply can’t be referred to as a man.
There may be several reasons why he ran away, but the child itself can never form part of those reasons. Essentially, it’s an act of pure selfishness.
Children deserve fathers who want to be fathers rather than sperm donors. They deserve men who are fully committed to their lives and, as a matter of principle, their mothers as well.
Unfortunately, no one can make a man “want” to be this way. But even if he doesn’t want to be a father, the responsibility doesn't go away. If he won’t voluntarily be a father to his child, the law will force it either way.
HE'S NOT WORTHY
Having said that, one of the questions we’ve consistently failed to wrap our heads around over the period of working with relationships and marriages is, why would a woman want to be with such a man?
If you’ve been calling and texting him but have received no respect or decency in return, what makes you still want to be with him?
There are millions of single mothers. It may not be an ideal situation, but that baby can feel loved without him. He's the one who will have to answer for that one day, but you will have done your part.
The baby deserves a fair chance at life with the love of at least its mother and extended family. It deserves an adult for a mother who’s willing to do what she needs to do to create a conducive environment for that child to thrive.
Just because the father isn’t there, it doesn’t mean your life is over – you have a child.
NO CONCEPT OF FATHERHOOD
Now let’s explore some of the possibilities of him being a runaway father, though still unjustifiable. Almost half the children in our country come from fatherless backgrounds. Many of these children grow up with no appreciation of the importance of being raised with both parents present in their lives.
It may well be that your boyfriend is perpetuating the cycle of fatherlessness because that’s his background.
TALKING ABOUT CHILDREN
For some reason, many partners continue in long-term relationships without ever seriously and intently engaging on what their attitudes towards having children are.
Others, even though they both want children, don’t get around to the details of timing.
NOT WIFE MATERIAL
This may be a hard one to swallow, but we’ll give it to you straight anyway. There are women who according to their boyfriends are only good as girlfriends, but just don’t cut it as mothers of their children.
They’re the kind of women that these men think are good enough to play with, but not the ones they want as a wife or as their baby mama.
Your boyfriend may well have had no plans to be with you permanently, and being the mother of his child means you’d be a permanent feature in his life.
CHANGE OF FINANCIAL GOALS AND PRIORITIES
Men often panic at the news of an unplanned pregnancy. For many of them it spells doom to their financial plans.
He may have wanted to have done certain things before having children. He may view raising a child as a massive inconvenience for him that he’s not willing to take on.
There are several other possibilities like fear that he would have disappointed his family, feeling like you’ve trapped or tricked him into being in his life permanently, or just the mere shock that comes with hearing the last thing you want to hear.
ENJOY YOUR PREGNANCY
The child, even when unplanned, must take centre stage in spite of your feelings towards each other. And if you’re going to enjoy your pregnancy, it’s important that you’re present in the moment.
Think about involving your family in a practical plan to prepare for the arrival of your baby, instead of worrying about what you used to have with someone who ran away. His actions show he never loved or cared about you in the first place.
