My man means the world to me and we are madly in love. But one thing is unsettling about our relationship, he has female friends who sometimes cannot draw the line and they won’t respect the boundaries.
They call anytime and they just drop in at his place unannounced. They feel entitled to him. When they have a flat tyre, they call my man instead of getting help from either road assist or their boyfriends. My man sees nothing wrong with this and I can see that these women are throwing themselves at him. How can I cope? CONCERNED LOVER
Power couple and co-authors, Mo and Phindi, advise a woman who is worried about her man’s female friends.
The issue to us is not so much that he has female friends he seems to prioritise more than you. But it’s the fact that he’s willing to risk the relationship he has with you by disregarding your feelings on the matter.
We feel there’s more to read into that than the tips we can give you to cope with the situation.
HOW HE VALUES THE RELATIONSHIP
It’s important to engage him on what value he attaches on you and your relationship, if at all. He needs to come clean and not only tell, but show you how much you and the relationship mean to him.
And you need to be okay with whatever answer he gives you, even if you don’t like it. It could be that you haven’t yet clearly articulated how his behaviour affects you or that he just doesn’t get it even if you did.
It could also be that he’s a passer-by, and sees no need to sacrifice important relationships in his life for you. When a man hasn’t yet found a woman he’s willing to put it all on the line for, he won’t easily sacrifice stuff and people that mean something in his life. It may be that he’s buying time, waiting for the woman he’ll do all that for.
NO CLEAR BOUNDARIES
A reasonable man who’s ‘madly in love’ with you would do everything in his power to protect you and the relationship he shares with you. He would never allow it to be disrespected by anyone else, and could never bring himself to defend a clear act of disrespect towards the relationship. He’ll be loyal to you as his first priority. But clearly, in his mind there’s more benefit he derives from his female friends than what your relationship offers.
Where there are no clear boundaries drawn where a boyfriend has female friends, the health of a relationship goes out of the window. Think about some of the following as possible boundaries for your relationship:
¦ Don’t allow anyone to interfere with your relationship – If someone is posing a threat to your relationship or is actively trying to come between you, they’re crossing a boundary. Both you and your partner have to put a stop to that immediately.
¦ Her stuff shouldn’t be in his apartment – This is where your boyfriend tells you that he’s storing her things at his place because she ran out of storage space at her apartment. He may be just helping a friend out, but, beware if he’s helping ‘store’ her pink toothbrush in his bathroom.
¦ He shouldn’t always be available – When the friend’s car breaks down or has plumbing needs fixed, he shouldn’t always be available. Your boyfriend can’t be her go-to-guy every time she needs help with her ‘honey-do’ list. If your man is Johnny-on-the-spot with her requests, while your own toilet keeps on dripping, refer her to your local plumber and see if she takes the hint.
¦ He shouldn’t always take her calls – It’s even worse when he feels he has to walk away from you so that he can talk with her in private. If he doesn’t want you to listen in on their conversation, this is a serious danger sign that she’s more than ‘just a friend’.
¦ Treat each other with love, kindness and respect – When someone shouts at you, insults you, hurts you, or intentionally ignores you, they’re crossing a line that shouldn’t be crossed.
¦ Maintain your independence – The ‘urge to merge’ is a serious danger to a relationship, primarily because it promotes co-dependency, and that is dangerous. It promotes soul ties and emotional baggage you won’t easily extricate yourself from. It’ll also cause you to tolerate some of the worst behaviour by your partner. And that will make it nearly impossible to move on with your life when the relationship ends for whatever reason.
CONNIE VAN
No matter how we talk, women will always be seen as nagging and insecure. So my take is, if he’s not matured enough to respect me and put his friends in line, then he’s not matured enough to be in a relationship with me.
NOLWAZI MAGULA
Your man needs to call them to order. If he entertains them, there’s nothing you can do. He needs to set boundaries and show them that you are his priority and that they need to respect you. Otherwise, this relationship won’t work.
MARTHA MAKGAE
Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do if your man doesn’t put a stop to it. He should know where to draw the line or else you’ll be hurt as long as you are with him. He needs to ensure that his female friends respect you and know their place. You should be his priority.
