Question
I have seen my friend’s man cheating on her several times but decided not to interfere in their relationship. My friend’s man knows that I am aware and is acting funny towards me especially when I visit their home, which they share with their child.
The last straw was when I saw him at a shopping mall kissing this woman with no shame and pretending not to know me. I feel that this has gone on for too long. I want to tell my friend that her man is a womaniser but I am scared that it might affect our friendship.
Should I tell my friend that her man is cheating on her and if so, how do you I go about it? Should I confront the man or do I just walk away as it is none of my business? I am in a difficult position and don’t know what to do. Help me solve this dilemma. - CONFUSED FRIEND
Expert advice
Power couple and co-authors, Mo and Phindi, advise:
This is undoubtedly one of the most awkward positions to be in as a friend because you are caught between doing the right thing and not hurting your friend. Unfortunately, there is no straightforward answer for your questions.
A SCAPEGOAT FOR ANY OUTCOME
Whatever you do, it’s likely to have consequences and you could be made a scapegoat for any outcome in the aftermath of the fallout. That’s true even if you say nothing. Suppose your friend finds out about the infidelity and then realises that you knew all along? Then what?
On the other hand, should you opt to tell her, she could be in denial, especially if you don’t have your facts straight. Co-operating with her cheating boyfriend, you could end up being a villain whose intentions were always to break them up because you never liked them together anyway.
CRAZY AND JEALOUS FRIEND
Firstly, we advise that you be sure that he’s cheating on her. If you were to be asked to produce concrete evidence, other than, “I saw them kissing”, would you be able to do so?
Most cheaters will lie and defend themselves unless you catch them red-handed. Even then, they usually only admit to what they think you already know. If you confront him before you have any evidence, there’s a good chance that you will look like the crazy and jealous friend. Furthermore, he’s likely to continue with his cheating ways and hide the affairs.
HURTING YOUR FRIEND
Secondly, you need to ask yourself how you think you would feel in your friend’s situation. Would you want to know? Telling her may seem like the “right” thing to do, but is it the “good” thing to do?
One of the reasons this is such a hard decision to make is that it depends on your overall moral outlook. How important is your value system compared to the possibility of being rejected as a friend? Although your values shouldn’t be changed based on the circumstances, it may also be worth considering how close your friend is to you. Would she appreciate these news coming from you? On the other hand, how hurt would she be that you kept quiet if you usually share everything with one another? Even if you saw them kissing, is it possible that they have an open type of a relationship, or a “don’t ask – don’t tell” kind of a set-up? What if your friend has a suspicion of his cheating but is in denial, and doesn’t want to confront it for whatever reason?
TALK TO THE CHEATER
Thirdly, avoid telling other mutual friends about the situation. One of the hardest things about discovering an affair can be the humiliation your friend may feel when she finds out she’s the only one that doesn’t know.
With this said, you must also think of your own mental wellbeing. This is likely to cause you stress and anxiety. It might therefore, be worth finding somebody safe to offload to. Just make sure it’s a person who doesn’t know your friend, and be careful not to reveal any names.
Fourthly, armed with the evidence and depending on how well you are acquainted with each other, talk to the cheater. Don’t threaten or emotionally blackmail him. But instead, point out that you have your friend’s best interests at heart and have some concerns about what you have discovered. How you then deal with it afterwards will depend on his response.
